Just me

View original post

March 1st, Self Injury Awareness

Tomorrow is self injury awareness day. Will you wear orange to show your support? If you own nothing orange, you can also draw an orange butterfly or orange heart on your wrist … or write the words “keep fighting.” If people ask, tell them why. This is something that doesn’t just affect teenage girls. It’s an addiction that grabs hold of you in a time of desperation and doesn’t let go. I recently responded to a group post of a 50 year woman that has struggled with this for the last 20 years. SI is not a fad. It is not for attention. It is an addiction and a harsh method of coping, and it comes at a price. Please help show your support tomorrow for myself and the millions of others who continue to hide in silence and suffering.

Conquer?

That is a word foreign in my daily life … sure, I have small victories here and there but I don’t think of myself as a conqueror … charging ahead with determination. That’s not me … I feel defeated very quickly … I don’t have a lot of self confidence to try again when something goes wrong … it’s something I need to work on a little bit at a time …

My day started out very groggy … I was in and out of sleep all last night … every noise felt too loud. The dryer was spinning, the water heater kept going on and on for some reason, random loud step from upstairs … my bladder yelling at me every 20 minutes cause I decided to drink tea an hour before bed. All this aside, I’m a very light sleeper anyway. I was highly depressed for the better part of the day yesterday. The longer I was awake last night the more I entertained the thought of calling in to work this morning and making up some lie about why I couldn’t be there. I didn’t have very high hopes for today … in fact, I had just accepted the fact that it would suck and I would be pissed off and ready to slice my anger away by the time I got home.

Strangely, this didn’t happen the way I expected. I went to work this morning crabby … cooped up shelter animals don’t like when you’re in a sour mood. They sense the anxiety and test your patience. I was automatically irritated that I had to work with a certain person that tests my nerves. I got to work and checked the schedule. I was assigned Dog Holding, Dog Isolation, Cat Isolation and Intake. There were two dogs in holding. One of the dogs had no water … no water dish. Someone didn’t give her water the day before … I wanted to yell. This is basic care. If I had done that in school animal care, my ass would get chewed out. How do you go in to the kennel, let the dog out to potty, and not notice there isn’t water? I wrote a note to my boss … gave Zena water and let it go. I cannot control … I remedied the situation and let it go. Shortly after this, a new kennel hand I hadn’t met yet arrived … she was to come help us today but I didn’t know because she wasn’t on the schedule. This was promising …. my mood lifted slightly. I also learned that she also goes to my school and is a bit earlier in the program than I am. She is eager and willing to work … two traits you absolutely must have to work in a kennel environment and as a vet tech in training besides. I finished DH. Dog Iso was empty. Intake is easy because typically there are no animals there and it’s the place people enter when surrendering an animal. I decided to also clean exam for the coworker who irritates me. This way I’d know it was cleaned properly … control. (It’s highly important though that you just don’t rush through with it … germs spread quickly in a shelter.) (Still, it was a control thing though in the long run. Surprise. Plus, it was still super early.) I had cat iso next … sick kitty room. It was almost full and so my new coworker pitched in with me. After other miscellaneous tasks were finished for the morning, I got out of work about 10:30. This is an hour earlier than usual for me … bonus. I would be able to drive out early and actually study for the test I had today.

I went to school and took my test … reproduction in horses and neonatal diseases. I think I did pretty well … some of the t/f questions threw me but I felt good after. We also had to present our case study today to the class. I did a powerpoint presentation on equine colic. I chose to go second so I wouldn’t be too worked up by the end. I also chose a gnarly youtube video to go along with my presentation … horse colic surgery. I like gross things … especially when I get to show others against their will … and after lunch. If anyone wants to see it, I’ll be more than happy to show you. Class ended with lecture as usual and I headed back to church to study and eat before service.

As I was sitting in the lobby at a corner table … I was aware Orleen was around but I guess I was being kind of avoidant and awkward … especially because yesterday I was struggling with feelings of wanting to isolate. I didn’t really want to do that today but I am still not comfortable with just going up to a friend and saying hello all the time. I scream at myself inwardly to do it, but my legs don’t normally go anywhere and my head drops, seemingly extra distracted with what I’m doing. It’s silly really … but knowing that doesn’t make it any less hard. When she approached and sat down for a little bit, I felt better … I had been found … now I really couldn’t hide. She got up to go, I asked for a hug in case I didn’t go to service later. I breathed. I asked what the sermon was about … for a while now, wednesday night service has been about the different names to describe Jesus. Tonight was about Him being the chief cornerstone. She let me in on a little secret that during the service she would be using the lifesize jenga game to signify what a cornerstone does … this made my spirit tingle. I thought about it off and on before service started and while I did homework during worship as I debated whether or not I would stay and go in to the service late or go home. I opted to pack my things up and head in to the sanctuary about 15 minutes late. I sat down and waited … waited for the last song to get done as I tried to will the anxiety away, waited as she talked about upcoming events and classes from the bulletin, waited through the sermon and waited for the one right verse that I knew would come right before she would ask for a volunteer or two to play jenga on stage. I knew it … I sensed it coming. She asked for two volunteers … I had been waiting … I knew I had to go up in front of God and everyone and play with blocks to illustrate a point about when Christ is not first … not the basis of your life … that basically everything in your life is unstable … and you can’t build your hope on something with a crumbling foundation. It will come crashing down … just like when I pulled the block from the bottom and I had to shield my head. It’s such truth … I am living proof of that … and I got to remind myself of it and demonstrate it to others.

I went up on the stage … I decided I would … I made the choice. It was a relatively unexpectedly good day … and I made it better. After I pretty much bolted from the stage after that, I sat in my chair … tried to contain myself and tried to breathe … my breath was short and my heart felt tight but I survived. After service was done, I asked O if she was as shocked as I was. I guess I was hoping to hear a different answer other than “no, you start to become like the people you hang around.” She’s such a matter of fact lady … but it was still a big deal for me. It would have been 200% easier for me to give in to the isolation and not go into service at all. Just because she didn’t say that she’s proud of me … doesn’t mean she isn’t. I know she is … the words don’t need to be said I suppose. I want to be proud of myself to. I don’t recognize the person I was tonight … but maybe she’ll become more familiar as time goes on …

Small victories add up I guess …

JJ Heller – “Control”

A serious struggle in my world … such a good song … give it a listen. It’s beautiful.

crash

it’s not surprising that i seem to be plummeting mood wise … i had a small victory over the weekend … it’s not surprising that i will feel spiritually attacked …

i feel myself slipping into isolation … i don’t want to. i want to be close with my friends … i want to love them and be loved and be with them …

i am trying to make a plan for thursday before i slip too far … class in the morning …

i need to be with someone.

friday i will have completely free to, cause dad was scheduled to have his surgery  for his arm … which they cancelled … again. So, now I have a day off with nothing to do …

i need to stay busy. thoughts of cutting already coming back … i don’t want it …

i didn’t have counseling today either which probably has affected my mood a bit … i did however get my MMPI test scheduled for next tuesday at 2 … directly after my counseling appointment i’ll have. i’ve done the test years ago but i’m sure my results will be different … it takes approximately 2 hours to complete. i’m not really excited or nervous for it … all i have to do is be honest and consistent with my answers … i’ll learn more about myself i guess but i’m not sure i want to in that way …

i’ve been thinking about mom alot these days. i wonder how much longer i should wait to call her … or to see if she’ll contact me. i wonder how my grandma is doing in the nursing home that i drive past everyday. we’ve never had a relationship however … she is my mom’s mom … and neither are healthy. grandma helen probably wouldn’t even know who i was … i think if i visited her, it would affect me negatively … still i wonder …

otherwise, today was alright … went by fast … i went to bible study this morning. we are reading in hebrews. i have a difficult time staying in the present and find myself slipping. i offered to read the verses today … i was proud of myself for doing that … i’m glad i got through them. i found myself zoning out as i was reading … but i did good i was told. i felt shaky and short of breath when i was done but i’m glad i got through them.

i also finished a colored pencil piece i’ve been working on off and on for months … i’m glad it’s finally done. one step closer to selecting artwork for a display … displayed … that kinda wigs me out, but i feel honored at the same time.

i wish i could keep thinking of things to write about … makes me feel less lonely … like as if i were sitting with someone face to face and saying all these things … i think my vocal cords would go into shock if i spoke this much out loud in a sitting …

the end .. for now.

Women’s retreat + expanding comfort zone bucket list.

I went to MAG Women’s retreat this year. It was my first time … my friends have been trying to get me to go for approx. the last 3 years before this one. I didn’t go out of fear, finances, etc … but this year I made the choice I would and I absolutely needed to be there …

I sent an email to my ladies explaining how the weekend was for me … I won’t write all of that here, but I will take a most meaningful experience from there and share it here.

i ripped out all the pages in my book, had the blades in my hand … i had to do something … kristi came up with me to the altar and i left them at the altar because i didn’t want my only memories of retreat to be bad … i wanted to let them go but they wouldn’t let go of me. the altar call was intense … i was exhausted … i remember being so tense that i couldn’t move or breathe. there are moments i couldn’t make out what kristi was saying to me … i couldn’t make my body obey what she wanted me to do … i was out of control. i was bound … like something was sitting on my chest and throat. i couldn’t make words come out of my mouth. i couldn’t unclench my fists … i couldn’t stop thinking about cutting … and how the blades were surrendered once again and the feelings of regret and fear that came with it. i needed to hold on to the stage with one hand so i couldn’t hurt myself. i needed to pound my fists and i think at one point i remember kicking the stage … no control. i was pinned down and trying to break away and fighting for my life and sanity … if kristi wasn’t there, i would have passed out cause i don’t remember breathing … my heart hurt. she eventually was able to get me to sit up, but i couldn’t keep my head up anymore …. i was shutting down … i remember slipping away from myself and being brought back …

This experience took place on Saturday night. It was something that I won’t ever forget … the presence of God was there and I was fighting it but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t relax. The pages I talked about leaving at the altar were journal entries I had been writing since I got there on Friday afternoon. It was all negative … suicidal sounding … it was dark and hopeless … and I decided I didn’t want to keep those as my only memory of the weekend. I wanted to let them go … so I ripped them out and laid them on the altar with the two remaining blades I’ve been holding on to for a while. I am bladeless again … I imagine it’s probably been just over a week since I last cut …

The weekend centered alot around being transparent … I’ve been thinking about this and I want to work more on letting my humaness show. It’s scary showing imperfections and being honest about what you struggle with …

Since last night after getting home, I’ve had this short little list in my head about things I want to do that will help me with this …

• I’ve gone to a group called Raiders of the Lost Arts. It’s our church knitting/crocheting ministry … and the couple times I’ve gone I’ve brought my drawing books and pencils and worked on my own thing. Well, even though I don’t think I’ll like it very much … I want to learn … or at least try it once. Maybe I am convincing myself I won’t like it because I don’t have very much confidence in trying to do new things. However, at this moment I would be open in being taught one on one …. the more I think about it, the more important it becomes to me.
• At retreat, I shared my lodge room with my friend Joan. She knows in detail about how I struggle with s.i. Very very few people have ever seen the extent of my scarring … it’s not something you show. However, hiding the scars keeps you isolated and ashamed. I wore a tank top around bedtime in our room. Even when I was by myself, I felt so very exposed when I wore it. For me to be wearing it when she was around, even though it wasn’t a very long period of time, was a huge step for me. I don’t know if she saw my arms at any point, but I felt safe in that room … and I feel a little bit less isolated now that I’ve taken that step. When it starts getting warmer outside, my desire for myself is to be able to be comfortable around those I am increasingly growing closer to … and to feel like I can wear clothes like other people wear and not be afraid of judgement. Again, cuts wouldn’t be fresh … just scars … and only around people that know me.
• Also at retreat, we had a game night … there was so much going on and I felt very over-stimulated so I mostly avoided being in there … Jenni wanted me to do the bungee run with her … I just now saw a photo of her doing it with another lady from church … I should have been running next to her, but because I wouldn’t … I became the keeper of her hat while she got harnessed in and ran. Looking at the photo makes me sad … it makes me realize how much fun I missed out on because I wouldn’t allow it for myself. I know how much fun it would have been because I’ve done it before and have had whiplash from it. Good times. So, because I missed out on this, I want to do something else completely silly with my friend Jenni … so we both can laugh … whether or not the two of us are alone or in a group. I might be open to a dance party of two in her living room. I don’t dance … I never dance …. I don’t even like dancing by myself. But I need to do it.
• I need to start using my stilts. I love watching youtube vids of people doing tricks and listening to awesome music. I think the only reason why I haven’t used them is because no one else around here has them. I am scared to use them in public and try anything for fear of failing. This spring when it gets warmer, I want to be gutsy enough to bring them to church and play in the parking lot. It will be a great outlet for me … mentally, physically, emotionally … all of the above. Self esteem wise, it could be awesome knowing that I have these crazy leg extensions that not many people I know are even willing to try. It feels good knowing I can do something that others aren’t willing to do … but that doesn’t mean I don’t want them to try! It would be nice to teach someone the skill … and feel useful.
• I am still wanting to take O up on displaying my art at church … this would help people get inside my head … without the fear and intimidation of me introducing myself face to face. My humaness would be on display … my struggles and victories … and my pictures could portray what can’t be put into words … testimony. I do okay one on one meeting people – usually if someone I already know and trust introduces me … than I feel like I can begin a friendship. Maybe my art can be a gateway to meeting new people … maybe even a ministry like Raiders can become of it someday …

I will think of more things … but I think the above list is a good start. Baby steps … I am glad I can take these steps now with the support I so desperately needed and lacked for so long. Now, I just need to try … one at a time … with one person … and allow them to help me bring my guard down and let others in.

I feel inspired …

anxiety

it blows. it surely does.

i want it but i can’t grasp … whatever it is i want.

i feel too exposed …

the end.

Tidbits of today …

I had a pretty eventful day … lots of physical activity, thought processes, stupid ideas and silly interactions. Now I’ve taken my melatonin so I can hopefully sleep through the night … that never happens however, but I hope every night regardless.

This morning I got to clean kennels … despite the fact there is still snow on the ground, I’m fully aware spring is coming and with the first heatwave, we’ll have batches of kittens and moms surrendered and dropped off as strays left and right. I love my job and I love interacting with animals, but I’m pretty tired and a bit resentful most days … the animals pick up on that … it’s a stressful environment enough as it is. I’m worried about what my schedule will be come April, because I can’t afford to work only on Sunday. I wish I didn’t have to think that far ahead but I have to in order to make all my conflicting schedules play nice. This is a ramble … valid concern but a ramble. The end.

After work, I had class. Instead of typical classroom though, we had the opportunity to go to a horse boarding stables. Classmates and I partnered up and we caught our horse out in the pasture, put on a halter and lead rope and led them in the barn. This was only the start! First, we started with a physical exam (including rectal temperature). We also had to clean hooves with a pick, get blood from the jugular vein, administer dewormer, wrap the leg and tail, put on a nose chain, tie the horse using the correct knot, measure the horse’s height and weight … am I forgetting anything? Yea, pretty sure I am. It was a fun experience … and I passed all my competencies … I think I am most satisfied about nailing that jugular vein, even though Zanna (that was my horse’s name) was being naughty and impatient … they had to stand around while we picked on them for nearly 2 hours … it was a good time.

I rolled back into church tonight sometime around 5:30 … I was going to stay for service but I was just exhausted. I did get to present a spontaneous gift to a dear friend while I stuck around though … she’s working on so many projects and so I was glad I got to give her a silliness reminder. And I drew her a random picture. Yay art!

On my way home, thoughts of cutting surfaced again … right now, it’s just the freaking addiction withdrawls … physical cravings and chasing the high … though I don’t know for sure that if I did cave in if I really would get that temporary high … not sure what I’d feel. While driving, I decided if I was going to stay away from cutting, then I get to drink … cause I don’t have a problem with that … heh. I pulled into the liquor store lot, contemplated what I would get, and sat there for a good couple of minutes. It wasn’t long before I got frustrated with my justifying of why I could get away with drinking rather than cutting … and drove away empty handed.

So … I’m home now, and the melatonin has kicked in … I remain cut free … I’m guessing it’s been a few weeks now … (not counting damnit) … and I don’t know. It’s all good. I’m going to bed!

I want to be right.

Ugh.

Temptations … I want to give in, but I know I can’t. I want it to be okay but I know it’s not.

I’m not okay … I just want to sleep and isolate. But that isn’t realistic.

I had counseling today. I almost skipped out. But I guess the hour was productive …

I have 3 homework assignments …

1. I have to talk to at least 2 women in my network about something … something that I don’t want to be honest about because I don’t want to think of myself in this way … makes me feel icky inside. Yea, that’s vague, but I haven’t decided who I’m going to talk to yet …

2. I have to put all my notes, letters, verses etc into a binder … so I have them all in one place and accessible …

3. Read the book of Philippians.

This is dumb. Not the assignments … just life in general. Choices –> consequences –> heartache –> endless cycle of shit.

Why does it have to be an endless cycle though? Why does a stupid blade or ritual have to be creeping under every wave of brain activity? Will it ever not be a coping reflex? I haven’t cut in a while. Yea, that’s vague too … I’m not counting. I won’t even venture a guess to how many days … weeks … or whatever. I remember the last place I cut. I remember how it felt before, after, and during. I know how I feel about it now … but that doesn’t take away the craving.

I worked last Sunday cleaning kennels. This particular young cat is very scared so you have to be very aware of her body language and go slow and keep calm. When I was putting her back in her kennel, I thought I was in the all clear … but she got me at the last minute. 2 nasty gouges in my palm and 3 in my forearm. It happened quickly and stung and bled. Once I got over the initial shock and cursing … I was pleased how it made me feel. I got to feel the sting of a cut … or two … or three and see the blood … and I didn’t have to feel guilty about making a choice. I guess it was a mental relapse – relief without the guilt …

I am tired of having to continuously consciously make a choice to not cut. I need to start provoking more cats.

Pfft.

Staind – “Crawl”

Music … is good.