Hi.

• Sunday was nice. I had a good morning at work and a fun afternoon at church.
• Sunday evening the crash hit me … reluctancy to go to sleep … after midnight I went to bed.
• I woke up Monday morning … I wasn’t hungry, I wanted nothing to do with daylight, and I didn’t want to be bothered.
• The crash was a little extreme. This bothered me. I had no ambition, no desire to care for myself, and a darkness over me. I wanted my entire basement like a tomb. I didn’t get dressed. I layed on the living room floor … staring. I eventually went back to bed … laid in bed until 530 pm.
• I had a crazy dream that I can’t recall any details now.
• Did you know that if you sleep all day your problems go away?
• Did you know that if you sleep all day your thoughts and impulses are absent?
• By 530 though, I was so physically uncomfortable I had to move. I had multiple text and voice messages to answer and at the time, wanted to ignore.
• I answered a few, took a shower … wanted to take a nap in the shower … got out, got dressed. By this time, I really hadn’t eaten for at least 24 hours … I wasn’t hungry.
• Sleeping makes your appetite go away … bonus.
• Despite my crash, I did something that I had put off multiple times … I went out with some women from Monday Night Bible Study. I barely know any of them. It is a challenge I’ve been facing for a few months.
• Walking into the restaraunt was like being splashed with acid. Truthfully, I only went cause one of my core people were there and she will be leaving in a couple days for to a far, far away place … till the middle of August.
• I went for her. I did alright, but don’t feel connected to anyone. I didn’t really feel connected at all to myself though either all day so I guess it makes sense.
• Today is …. Tuesday. I had a spontaneous lunch with a new friend. It was her first time eating sushi. I am happy I got to be the one to help cross it off her bucket list. We enjoyed ourselves.
• I had my counseling session afterward … it was productive … it was good. I have to get back on track with my homework though … I felt more comfortable this time than I normally do during the session. I really didn’t want it to end.
• I stayed after for 2 hours and worked on a new art piece I’ve been doing … mixture of sharpie and colored pencil. I continue to work on it mainly because I don’t like leaving those types of projects undone. It’s not satisfying … or distracting so much though … I don’t particularly enjoy the piece I’m working on. That is frustrating. I think it’s because I started it, intending for it to be something completely different. It is what it is. The temptation to scratch out the entire page with red sharpie is highly difficult to resist though.
• I had a touchy situation when I got home working in the garage with dad. It’s okay now. His frustration was just boiling over and he couldn’t comprehend what I was telling him. But it’s okay now … for real.
• I am sitting here now wishing I had taken melatonin or something to knock me out at a decent hour. I get to work in the morning. It is possible I will be at church some of the day tomorrow working on the art project that I have to finish … because I must torture myself finishing something that I don’t care to. I will also try to attend service tomorrow night … again.
• I also don’t want to be afraid to feel joy, simply because I’m more scared of the sudden crash that comes after. Pray for balancing of my moods. I yearn for the control again and every unhealthy way to get that back has been all too appealing.
• End.

Tension, Froggies, and a Brisk Walk Where I Almost Died.

Disclaimer: The title includes, but is not limited to, all the events that have happened today. The following entry may also have triggering content. I have not decided yet. Also, the following entry may not include anything I mentioned in the title, because I may forget. You may proceed.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

🙂

I reluctantly let the day begin once I rolled out of bed after 9 am. I tried to push yesterday out of my memory, hoping that the reset of my thoughts would be complete and I wouldn’t struggle with triggers today. That dream was smashed rather quickly, for reasons that honestly don’t really matter now, because what’s done is done and the situation resolved itself.

I had my counseling appointment today and I did the homework from my book, “Learning to Tell Myself the Truth.” I have a Gandolph stuck to my lap, so I can’t get up and grab it, but basically the first two assignments I did were about taking a stressful situation and analyzing my every move, and the other was about internal dialog and paying extra close attention to all the things that float into your head in a 2 minute or so time span. It was a little enlightening …

The appointment ended really well. I did cry, but I asked her to pray at the end. Normally we don’t because I get myself so amped up at the end that I feel like I might lash out if I am prayed over. We talked about the homework I did during the session, which I’m glad I completed because, I’m not the greatest at doing the assignments she gives me. I talked about my fears of relapsing. The cravings have been near constant the past few days. Before I started typing this, I become acutely aware of how well I could see the blood vessels in my arm. I sat here and stretched the skin, wondering if I stuck myself with a needle, if I would get blood on the first poke. It’s a natural curiousity because I do this on cats and dogs that squirm. Would I squirm? I noticed the scars that run across the top. They weren’t deep enough to break open the vein.

I’ve now just forgotten what I was going to talk about …

I wonder how many of you actually read these random entries the entire way through. If you do, that’s amazing to me. I’m having a really difficult time paying attention to what I’m typing! I hope it makes sense.

I also did some yard work today. We have huge mature oak trees all around the house and the fall of leaves every year is overwhelming. Our backyard is also sloped so this makes it alot more exhausting to exert yourself at all. I was raking a pile of wet leaves, grass, bark, remnants of a tree that was cut down … etc. There was no easy way to do this except just to dive in and start bagging it up. As I was raking leaves into the bag, I was startled by a frog that somehow appeared on the rim of the garbage can I was tilting. I didn’t see where he came from, but I can only assume that I had inadvertantly raked him into the pail, and he decided he wasn’t having that. He sat on the rim long enough for me to analyze my discovery and take a photo. As I’m writing this, I am thinking about how nasty gross that bug infested, wet rotting leaf pile is. Yet, it sustains life. I’m sure I destroyed a nice little froggy hideaway. It reminds me though that no matter how crappy, how dirty, how ashamed, how ugly I feel … I am alive underneath. I am alive and I need to fight – not just for life, but the ability to thrive. The fact that I can sit here and realize that, proves that I haven’t given up on myself … there is beauty in the mess. There is beauty where you least expect it. That frog said “Hell no, I’m leaving.” He quite literally took a leap of faith and teetered on the edge of that pail, daring to jump because he knew on the other side was freedom. I sure as hell aren’t always that brave. This little toad has my respect. It’s a lesson I need to take to heart.

I also decided today I would take a walk … this was about an hour and a half ago now. It was peaceful, but I wasn’t sure what emotion was appropriate to feel. I was maybe listening to music that I shouldn’t have, but I felt closer to God at the same time. It was weird. I did decide to make it more interesting and attempt jogging. Oh my gosh. You would think I was a smoker. I thought I was going to pass out a block from home in the road. While I was jogging though, I was so focused on my inability to breathe, that I didn’t think about cutting. New hobby?

I am tired … another day done, and definitely not a day taken for granted.

I want to be right.

Ugh.

Temptations … I want to give in, but I know I can’t. I want it to be okay but I know it’s not.

I’m not okay … I just want to sleep and isolate. But that isn’t realistic.

I had counseling today. I almost skipped out. But I guess the hour was productive …

I have 3 homework assignments …

1. I have to talk to at least 2 women in my network about something … something that I don’t want to be honest about because I don’t want to think of myself in this way … makes me feel icky inside. Yea, that’s vague, but I haven’t decided who I’m going to talk to yet …

2. I have to put all my notes, letters, verses etc into a binder … so I have them all in one place and accessible …

3. Read the book of Philippians.

This is dumb. Not the assignments … just life in general. Choices –> consequences –> heartache –> endless cycle of shit.

Why does it have to be an endless cycle though? Why does a stupid blade or ritual have to be creeping under every wave of brain activity? Will it ever not be a coping reflex? I haven’t cut in a while. Yea, that’s vague too … I’m not counting. I won’t even venture a guess to how many days … weeks … or whatever. I remember the last place I cut. I remember how it felt before, after, and during. I know how I feel about it now … but that doesn’t take away the craving.

I worked last Sunday cleaning kennels. This particular young cat is very scared so you have to be very aware of her body language and go slow and keep calm. When I was putting her back in her kennel, I thought I was in the all clear … but she got me at the last minute. 2 nasty gouges in my palm and 3 in my forearm. It happened quickly and stung and bled. Once I got over the initial shock and cursing … I was pleased how it made me feel. I got to feel the sting of a cut … or two … or three and see the blood … and I didn’t have to feel guilty about making a choice. I guess it was a mental relapse – relief without the guilt …

I am tired of having to continuously consciously make a choice to not cut. I need to start provoking more cats.

Pfft.

Day 5 …Thought processes

My brain is on so many different wave lengths … so I’ll try not to confuse anybody.

I kept myself busy today … cleaned kennels this morning, picked up my meds, visited my best friend while she’s in town … checked on a coworkers foster kitty twice and checked on a house from another close friend who is out of town. The whole day feels like a blur … I’m glad I was busy. Keeping busy helps with temptations … until you get home and you realize the thought of cutting is creeping in the corners of your mind waiting to attack. I suppose this isn’t surprising … I’m only on day 5. Considering the few years I was free of it, it did cross my mind as a fleeting thought at least a couple hundred times … as quick as they came it went away. Perhaps, I’ll find some freedom to the point it won’t even cross my mind at all … but that’s far in the future and I’m not going to worry about it right now.

This afternoon I went to check on things at a friend’s house while she’s gone … water the tree, check the thermostat, get the mail … etc. Really, they are things that aren’t dire … but she allowed me an “out” in case things get too stressful at home … to give me a safe place to be. I truly appreciate my safe places. So I got there and walked in … the atmosphere gives you a sense of peace. It’s a busy household, well loved, with encouraging notes everywhere … pictures from the kids and photos of the family … the chair where she knits out of love for her friends and family … a daily to-do list for her kids … I smiled pretty big when I noticed it. I will admit, I wandered around for a little bit admiring … just the love that’s poured into the environment. I don’t get that at my home … it’s dark and depressing and filled with a lot of resentment and temptations to cope with it by self harming. I didn’t want to cut in her house today (not that I would, but I think ya all know what I mean.) … I don’t even know if I thought about it. For a good long while before I had to head to church, I sat in the middle of her living room floor … trying to be still … and be thankful … and try to put a dent in and weaken my mental walls. I listened to “You are for me” (see video on previous post) more than once … I sang it out loud. I couldn’t cry … but I wanted to. I wanted to pour my heart out and I wanted God to break me again. I could picture myself sitting there, everyday, feeling like I could become close to Him again. I think I’ve started surrendering every day … I’m trying not to believe the lies … the lies that I’ve actually distinguished as lies … every day is a struggle though … sometimes it’s the same lie over and over again and I forget that it’s wrong …

I took my time meandering my way to the door to leave. If I had the love growing up that I see there … I wouldn’t be “me” … who would I be? The experiences I had were not healthy and downright abusive, but I’ve learned to appreciate and really truly value my time with others now … more than I ever have. He sets the lonely in families …

I attended the Christmas Eve candlelight service at church … it was kinda weird … being back in the sanctuary … I really desperately need to get back. I need to start making Wednesday night service a priority, since I can’t get there on Sundays. Anyway, so I got to sit between two good friends … made it more difficult to escape. It felt good and safe to be between the both of them … especially during worship time … it’s hard for me to sing anymore in that setting, but I’m sure I’ll reach that point to where it will be okay again … where my arms won’t be twisted behind my back in rebellion … where I’ll be able to breathe … where my body won’t tense than all of a sudden want to bolt and hide … where my mind will not think of completely inappropriate things … the whole experience can be quite painful actually. Tonight, it wasn’t so severe … I’m glad …

I remember at some point of the service, there was talk of darkness and light … and darkness cannot overwhelm the light. This was very triggering and frustrating for me. I kept thinking … what if you were me? Feeling like two seperate entities … split down the middle. Darkness. Light. I can’t have both … but I am both. I can’t understand. There are times that I’ve cut myself while singing along to worship music … I haven’t done this recently … this was years ago. How can an ordinary person do something like that? I’m just different … not right. There’s darkness. There’s light. There’s me trying to fight them both off yet embrace them … I don’t understand it … I want them to just get along and quit fighting…

After service, I got the hug I denied myself yesterday … I saw O before the service and chatted with her, but now that I think about it … I remember holding my coat in such a way that maybe I was guarding myself. It was weird being there for a service with people everywhere … hugging and being joyful in the season, so I must have gotten a little too uncomfortable for that. I did see her after the service though … and I mentioned that I didn’t think we had properly hugged yet … I’m glad I said something, so then I ended up with two in a row. 🙂 … I love being hugged when I allow it. Have I mentioned that? Heh …

I drove home … thinking about all the different changes that have happened in the past couple months … stopping classes, therapy, medications, ‘my anger phase’, etc. I’ve been trying to be more conscious of how I treat others … specifically my father and brother … because of my own resentments toward them (which I need to work through) I end up being really a not very nice person … mostly in passive aggressive terms. I’ve become cold and insensitive to the two of them. I play a part in this household to … and I can’t blame them for feeling the way I do …

I entered the house, praying for no conflicts … it was good … dad was busy putting ads together for the local paper that we deliver to try and make ends meet. I saw my mail laying on the top of my stairs … 1 doctor visit bill, 1 statement from health insurance, and a thick envelope containing my class schedule and loan info from school … ironic that all of it came at once … I have to make it all fit in my life again. Classes and homework … both work schedules … therapy … bible study … I have to make it all work together … cause I can’t live without any of it … if I quit one thing, another will suffer … I need to especially make my support system a priority. If I don’t have them, I can’t do any of this other stuff … I’m finally starting to make a little progress … I need them now more than ever … no exceptions.

I had more stuff … but I suppose I’ve rambled on long enough … and I’m not gonna bother checking for errors … because I’m so just done and I’m already lacking sleep!

5 days free.

Goodnight and Merry Christmas. ❤

Things I need to work on… and other randomities.

Counseling reminder thingies:

1. Making Forgiveness Disc 1 and 2

2. Look into MMPI test

3. Do the next chapter in the workbook … which I don’t remember the title of or where I put it.

4. Bring two oranges … no, I don’t know why. But I like oranges so it’s all good … I hope.

Neh. Notes to myself help keep me motivated somewhat … maybe I’ll feel more accomplished if I can cross them off the list.

Today I made a challenge to someone .. I think it was a fair challenge. I let her give me a challenge back in return. My challenge is not to watch any videos remotely related to self injury from now through Saturday. So honestly, because I knew I couldn’t do this today … it naturally makes the real thing more tempting. But I’ve not done it. I thought about it … but I have so many that are still healing … I just don’t want to do this forever. The urge is very strong though and I am fighting it.

I’m still not sure about the medicine I’ve started taking … currently I’m at 75 mg of Lamictal … will up that to 100 mg on Sunday. I’m having a hard time with it … my doctors bill is astronomical. I have no funds to pay it … none. I think it was more stress than it was worth. The only way I could pay is if I dropped my medical insurance which is $71.50 a month … and use that money to make payments on the $600 plus bill I’ll have. Ironic huh. I feel stupid that I ever got myself into all these messes … and as much as I want to take it all back, I can’t.

I start school again In January .. I’m slightly excited to be going again, but I will definitely have to build up my confidence again … which took the whole 3 years I went to begin with. I feel like I’m starting all over. I’m very close to being done yet it feels so far away. Everything feels so far …

As far as what I’m feeling this moment – well, today wasn’t horrible, but I don’t know if I feel okay. There are times I’ve watched the videos about self injury to make me cry if I watched them long enough … than at least I knew what I was feeling. I do know that I need a good long hug though …… I really truly do.

Women’s retreat for my church is in February … that is something to look forward to. I am not necessarily looking forward so much to the spiritual aspect of it … right now, my reason for going is to escape my comfort zone … and that’s all anyone right now can ask of me. However, it is far enough in the future that maybe I’ll feel different … more whole … and … hungry. I’m just glad right now I’ll be able to spend the time with women that love the crap outta me and each other.

I’m still switching alot. My mind is still like a tv remote constantly flipping through channels – memories, flashbacks, temptations, depression, friendships, recovery…etc … the list goes on. Constant thoughts.

I don’t know what I feel right now, but I don’t think it’s negative … and I suppose that’s good.

Until next time …

I felt …

I’ve been struggling to figure out what I need to put here … I have had a lot of fleeting thoughts the past few days … but I think I know now what needs to be said.

First thing, if you don’t want to read, you don’t have to be here. No one is forcing you.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

That being said I’ll start.

I had an interesting evening yesterday … I got into a conversation where I felt I had no control. I was asked to reveal in detail my ritual of cutting. My head was screaming. This is something you don’t talk about. This is private. Yes, there are people that know my struggle now … but do I go around parading fresh cuts and blood for all the world to see? No. Nobody wants to see that … and I don’t blame them.

I figured after much hesitation that maybe there was a reason she asked me. I’m struggling to figure out her real motivation for asking me. After I answered her little bits at a time … she kept asking for more. What do you do to prepare? At one point do you decide to cut? How do you hold the blade? What do you do when you see the blood? How do you clean up? Do you clean up? Do you take care of your injuries? …

I felt like it went on and on. Then she asked me where I liked to cut. Again, very uncomfortably, I answered. Naturally, I’m going to have scars everywhere. That’s what 8 years of being full on addicted to it does to you. However, there are very few scars on my forearms compared to the rest of my body. And I work hard to hide the cuts – even if it means cutting over old rough scar tissue over and over again, which is a lot harder than it seems. Yes, I admit there is something very appealing about untainted flesh … the desire to marr it is very hard to ignore. But I typically don’t because it is hard to hide … even when the cuts heal and form scar tissue, you still want to hide them. So I’ve mostly done it on parts of my body that I imagine won’t ever be seen anyway.

Am I supposed to remain in hiding? Do I cover up my genuine struggle and pretend like all is well, just to make others satisfied? No. But it’s sure what I feel like doing now. I felt lured into a trap that I couldn’t escape … like she was leading me to answer a question with an answer that she wanted to hear… “But, it is for attention…” I’ve only heard that once before and it utterly destroyed me … for years. I hid, I isolated, and I was so addicted at this point … and couldn’t ask for help, because it was all for attention.

Forget the fact that my mother was gone and my dad was a drunk. Forget the fact that I was in an abusive foster home and there are parts of my past that I’ve blocked out. Forget the fact that I couldn’t feel anything. Forget the fact that I had to do it … because feelings were forbidden and if I didn’t do it, I would have killed myself.

The one and only other time that someone told me it was for attention completely shattered what little trust I had in the people that managed to get close to me. And the person who told me that didn’t want to deal with it and left. I trusted her. I trusted that she wouldn’t leave in my time of need. I managed to trust her when I had done something so brutal to myself and was so terrified that I couldn’t even remember what brought me to that breaking point. I couldn’t tell my family. I had no one. I was absolutely terrified … you can’t even imagine how intense it felt.

I didn’t know what self injury was when I first did it. It wasn’t until later that I found out what it was and I thought it was absolutely insane. So last night brought all that old trauma back to me. If what I did/do is solely for attention … why would I pick it back up after 4 years clean unless I was completely desperate? I was proud of those 4 years, I felt free and thoughts were only fleeting. Why is it for attention when so much work is done to hide it? Clothing is inconvenient. I have to wear certain kinds of clothes now to not shock anybody … God forbid I be honest. Do you think I look in the mirror everyday and like what I see? No. I feel like I have to be hidden away. It zaps me of all the strength I have to just be real with people and become close to them. I wouldn’t go through all of that if I didn’t want recovery at least a little bit.

I know I will want it wholeheartedly some day … but for my whole life I wasn’t allowed to express anything remotely negative so it festered inside. I didn’t get to be angry about my mom leaving – I had to accept it and grow up early. I became the mom figure in the home at seven years old. I need to be able to feel what I need to feel now. And maybe a small fraction of why I do it is because of lack of attention growing up … I would be the first to admit that because we all do things at some point to fill a void.

I’m like the title of that book, “I hate you, Don’t leave me.” I am pulled in both directions … twisted and clashing with myself. When I feel like deliverance is being pushed on me, I feel like I’m not allowed to feel again … that it’s shameful and wrong. I am real about my struggle now because I know where I’ve been and I know what can be if I want it. I am real because I know there are other people that are hiding their struggle with self injury as well. I am real because secrets make you sick. I am real because it is what it is – I shouldn’t have to hide. But I know I can’t dwell on crap forever – I am where I am for a reason right now. I have yet to hit rock bottom but I know it will come. I am learning and it’s a process, but just let me feel. That’s all I want – is to feel validated and heard and not shut out from society because I choose to deal with my issues in such a way that is different from the norm of drinking and/or drugs. It’s all harmful. It’s all destructive. I do not endorse self injury in any way, shape or form. I don’t want this to be my identity for the rest of my life. If I could stop anyone from doing it, I would in a heartbeat … I don’t care if I absolutely hated the person. I wouldn’t want them to hurt themselves.

I have to fight to seperate truth from lies every single moment of the day … it is a constant battle. They get so entwined with eachother that I can’t concentrate and go blank and shut down. If I hid from people and dealt with this in isolation again, it would kill me … because the lies would surely win – no contest. At least, I have some days where truth wins … and I’m glad I have those people in my life that help me figure it out. Today I am cut free – because I didn’t want to be angry today. Today I am cut free because I made the effort to resist it. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but at least I had today.

The Rest of Today

So in continuation of my last blog posting earlier today …

I left work, still feelin’ alright. This is a good thing cause usually my mind just hits the floor and I crash hard. But I had some idea of what I’d be doing after work, so it was nice to have a plan.

As much as I have been trying to control my intake of food, I was hungry so I stopped at my favorite bagel place … got my better cheddar bagel with heavy green olive cream cheese. Yes, I do believe there is crack in the cream cheese … you would be hard pressed to convince me otherwise. It is sooo divine.

After the bagel place, I ended up at church again … surprise right? I started doing a little bit of nothing when I got there, saw some comforting all too familiar friends, and challenged myself with hugging. I did quite well and I liked it … it’s just hard for me to ask for them. Joan and I went for a walk, probably about four times around the church this time … she and I have a good time. The more time I spend with her, the more natural it feels. We are alike in a lot of ways. And I know her real birthday … which makes me feel special. 🙂 I’ve been sworn to secrecy. Teehee. Love you Joan!!

After we got back in, Joan, my other friend Jenni who is amazing, and Pastor Robin all hung out in her office. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever hung out and felt really comfortable in her office. On Tuesday nights, I have my counseling sessions in there and there is always a certain level of anxiety, but today it felt less threatening, more casual, and I was surrounded by people that care a great deal about me … and vice versa. I’ve decided that next Tuesday, I want to steal the two person couch thingy … but not quite long enough to be a couch thingy … but just the right size to curl up in and be comfy. I tried it out today and I felt like a walrus as I rolled off of it eventually. I want to curl up in it my next counseling appointment on Tuesday night and my counselor can have the chair. Haha! Sorry Kristi. Mine mine. But for real though, I think it would be easier for me … we shall see.

So we all just sat around chatting and it’s pretty much set in stone that I will be going to the women’s retreat in February. Of course, this both excites me (slightly) and provokes the anxiety and fear as well. But I know I won’t regret going. I’ve had a scholarship in my name for approximately the last 3 to 4 years if I want to go. And it’s official now. I’ve already taken the time off of work and I just have to fill out the registration forms in January. I’ll get to share a room with Joan … (You better be coming for sure Joan! Don’t leave me with all these crazy women!) Let the rebellion begin! 😛 I hope I can make the most of it though when I’m there … and in this moment (because I think one moment at a time), I hope I can break some of the strongholds I have when I’m there … maybe I’ll be doing really good then … who knows? I am … happy that I’m going though. If nothing else, it will be nice to get out of the house and be with people I love.

Sooo … after I left church, I drove up to my school, got my schedule for next quarter from the desk, coffee in hand … and I felt comfortable after many deep sighs every few minutes. I got to visit with my instructors, Angie in particular and sat and talked with her at length. It was good to see her and get new homework sheets and get multiple hugs … cause she gives epic hugs. I’m just saying. For the short hour or so that I was there, it felt comfortable and I felt a sense of normalcy come over me again … that very soon I will be back and that it’s not the end of my journey … I will go back and I will try hard.

On the way home, I felt impressed to call Pastor O. I wanted her to know that I’ve felt awkward around her … I believe it’s just me being silly, but I think she has kind of shyed away because I know she cares for me a whole lot … she knows much of my story and my upbringing, and she has seen how I am when I really press into my relationship with God. I know she misses that side of me … I just wanted her to know that there’s still hope for me and to ask her to pray that God helps me change my “want to’s” … I’ve been looking at the post its she gave me alot the past couple days … it hasn’t always kept me from cutting, but each time I read them, it reminds me that I’m loved. “When you cut I feel like you have stepped back into old decaying history that threatens to suffocate you and you think you are powerful enough to control it. And you are not. I am afraid it will steal your heart, your tenderness, and harden you not to care or feel life. Every cut pushes your heart further out of reach. When you cut I feel like you are carving a little piece of Tiffany off that you won’t get back.” It makes my heart ache to read it and every word is absolute truth. I know it is very difficult for some people to handle this kind of stuff … and I understand the walls that we need to put up to keep ourselves sane and healthy some times, personal boundaries if you will … so I can understand the distance and I’m okay with it. I know deep down she still loves me regardless.

I’m not ready to quit cutting, but I have been trying to ask God to change my “want to’s” … I do know that I don’t want to cut tonight and I won’t. That’s what matters right now. I’m glad that I’m cut free for today. And I’m glad that one day it won’t run my life anymore …

Sometime, before next Tuesday I have to listen to these two cds that Kristi gave me … “Making Forgiveness” part 1 and 2. I am scared to listen to them because I’m not sure I’ll take them seriously … but I at least have to make the effort, and whether I realize it right away or not, I’m sure I’ll get something useful from them.

But today was a good day, no nauseating mood swingin’ and I got lots of hugs. Oh! And Greys Anatomy is on in twenty minutes. Bonus. But most importantly, I chose happiness over cutting today … and that feels good. I will deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

So far today …

I’m feelin’ alright today … so far! It’s a nice feeling. Work has been peaceful this morning … no drama …

Of course, now that I just said that … ha!

I’ve been keeping an eye on the borderline laceration on my arm. I managed to get two bandaid to fit over it without the adhesive sticking so much to the wound itself. It’s starting to peel off a bit but I really don’t want it to. I don’t want to see the damage underneath, but I can see the blood through the bandage … I will have to change it at least by tonight. It will leave a nice scar … one in which I won’t forget the circumstances surrounding it. Just another part of my story … my testimony when I get to that point again …

Life is interesting in how we consistently keep doing the same thing over and over … and expect a different result. Maybe I won’t feel guilty this time. Maybe it won’t bleed so it won’t be as bad. Maybe I can make the cut deep as I want and will it not to scar over, erasing all evidence. Maybe …

The list goes on and on. At this moment in time, I am feeling hopeful for my future. I think I will go visit my school today that I withdrew from early this quarter. I’m hoping to visit with my instructor that has helped me through alot of these issues before I started counseling and such. I need a hug from her. She gives awesome hugs. I do start two classes the first week in January … Production Animals & Equine. Technically, I should be taking those after I’ve taken my surgery and anesthesia classes, but I’ve made the decision not to dive back into those right away … I am hoping it will be less stressful next time around and that my head is in a better place come April. Also, for this upcoming quarter I didn’t get to pre-register so I didn’t have such a good chance at getting the classes I needed. At first, I needed to go to a new campus after having my first class registered for Thursday morning at my home campus … having to go somewhere brand new would have tested my limits. But, good news! They opened another section of that same class at my home campus on a different day and it still works with all the changes I had to make with my two work schedules … so I am thankful for that. I think because of this, I will also be able to do open lab and practice with blood draws and such to prepare me for when I take my two tough classes again. Everything will be fine … just have to keep pushing through and striving to make myself healthy again … it will be a long road.

I just have alot of junk to process through, and maybe one day soon cutting won’t be a way of burying it all deep inside. Exposure … is good. And I will have to understand that all this crap is going to get a lot harder before it gets easier. And though I’ve come close to being admitted to the hospital once, I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that … but if it does, so be it … just another part of my story. We all got one of those!

Take care everyone, be safe, and resist your temptations all you can … reach out. It works wonders.

Until later when I probably post again … 🙂

Plumb – “Cut”

I don’t really feel like talking too much right now … my thoughts are a bit hushed in my head but confusing at the same time. Just feeling the music right now. Therapy tomorrow. Feeling a bit shaky and I think I’m starting to feel some side effects from my meds … like falling over when I stand … I hope it’s just cause I’m tired … but I dealt with it before the last time I was on Lamictal. I’m only on 50 mg right now and I have to make it up to 100. Maybe I’ll have to take it at night before I go to sleep instead.

Boo.

Heal?

The last couple days have felt like a whirlwind of emotion. I have to keep reminding myself what day it is. It is Wednesday. I have to work in the morning. That is my present reality. I should be in bed now … I think I might regret this.

Monday night. Reaching Recovery group. Lots of triggering topics hitting close to home. I had to do it. I had to leave. I escaped as quickly as I could after group and drove to Walmart. While cruising through the parking lot, I noticed my dad’s car. Shit, couldn’t go there. Bee-lined it to Target. They didn’t have X-acto knives and I wanted the original X-acto. Disappointed and determined, I found myself speeding to Menards. They had all kinds of different ones but no X-acto. I bought a cheap knock off knife thinking, oh, it will be just as good. After I felt liberated by this purchase, I headed to Applebees to have dinner with the people from group. I was feeling a bit high strung. I wanted a nice, bloody rare steak. And I got it. It was delicious. I got to use the steak knife and that was soothing. I told no one about the cheapo knife in my purse … I swore it would be my little secret. It would be mine. No one could tell me no if I didn’t tell them about it. Secrets make you sick … I left that night knowing that I had lied to my friends, my support system … and a person I probably respect more than most people there. She saw through me. She knew I was hiding something. But I left, but not before she snagged me in for a hug. It was hard to sleep Monday night. The next day I would try my new knife, hoping for the results that I had been craving for weeks … months even.

Tuesday. What did I do yesterday? During the day, I really don’t remember anything. That bothers me actually. I left for counseling I think at about 6 pm yesterday night. I don’t remember anything else … the hell?

I met with a friend before my appointment. She has really been kind of tucking me under her wing lately. It’s helped me to start trusting and be open to kindness again for the time being. I see in her the mom I never got to have … it is highly comforting. And addictive. I hope I don’t push her away …

My counseling appointment began about 5-10 minutes late, but I wasn’t too thrilled about going in. My stomach was churning, and just thinking about it now kind of makes me want to vomit…

During the appointment, I started getting fidgety … I couldn’t stop moving. She had these little stress squeeze koosh ball thingies … of which I was playing with and couldn’t stop dropping. At least, it was better than scratching on my arms and yanking my hair … good to keep the hands busy in stressful moments. I don’t know what triggered the anxiety so bad. Near the end of the appointment is when it got bad. I hate ‘the end’. I hate goodbyes. Maybe a part of me felt like I was being abandoned again. I made the appointment run later than it should have … but I felt glued to my chair. I felt frozen and bound up. Pulled in a million different directions…

Yesterday night was the first time Kristi (counselor) prayed out loud with me. I was vocally anxious. I didn’t want to ‘provoke’. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to leave. I was frightened. I had to leave. I had to run out. I couldn’t leave the building … I felt exposed and vulnerable to all the weapons in my purse. Yes, I had more than just the glass by now. I still had the two pieces of glass from the candle I broke, the knife that sucked (seriously, the glass would do a better job), and 5 tiny blades from a disposable razor. I don’t remember what day I dislodged those but it was crazy simple and I didn’t have to break the damn thing with a scissors. I wish I hadn’t noticed how easy they were to get out…

I used one of those tiny blades. The knife was useless, the glass only slightly better … but if I pressed hard enough with the tiny blades I could get a nice blood line. And that’s what I did. I was scared. It was a way to stop the thoughts … all the conflicting loud thoughts in my head I couldn’t control. Isolated against the wall in a corner of the lobby, I swiped that blade smoothly over my skin. Just a small sting but blood oozing out quicker than I would have expected. I wanted more. I didn’t care that it was all over my white hoodie sleeve. I just didn’t care … even though I hid it from people and pretended like I was doing my homework from a book I’m trying to work through. At some point before or after the cuts, I called my friend back … asked her if she would come to church. I actually called and someone came. 20 minutes later. She had turned around after being almost home and came back. I didn’t tell her any of what I was feeling … I didn’t know what I was feeling except for terror and it couldn’t be put into words. Evidence of that was the blood splotches on my sleeve caused by a fit of desperation to make it all stop.

My friend arrived and I let her in … by then the church doors were locked and the lights were turned off. We sat in the dark at the table. My arm was sticky underneath my sleeves with clotting blood. I felt like a dumbass, a fool … totally ashamed and angry that someone I care a great deal about came back for me because I needed them, yet I couldn’t wait until she got there. I will never forget it. I don’t want to hurt my loved ones like that … I don’t want them to feel bad …

We sat and talked for a while, but I had few words. I just wanted to be held. About 10 minutes or so later, Kristy came out of her last appointment and sat with the two of us in the dark that I found so comforting. At some point, I think I said something to the effect that I didn’t feel safe … I had laid my tools on the table: The brand new knife that failed me, yet I didn’t want to give it up because of the trouble I went through to finally get it, the two pieces of glass wrapped in toilet paper, and 5 tiny blades no bigger than toothpicks, tucked away in a small heart-shaped box. Now that I knew the little blades worked decently, I couldn’t let them go, however, I reluctantly surrendered the glass and knife. The tiny blades in my possession made me feel safe, because I knew they would be there if I needed them … unlike people who leave. I didn’t want to take the risk of giving up all the things that made me feel safe …

I was asked questions that I couldn’t find words to answer. I truly couldn’t. The long pauses were concerning I guess. I felt numb by that point. I didn’t feel anything. I couldn’t make my words come. My brain was like a white wall … that’s all I could see when I tried to think of words to say to ease their concerns.

Anger. I started feeling combative, fueled by the emotional drain and exhaustion I started feeling. I wanted to leave. I started feeling short tempered. A few times, I started to pick up my things and prepare to bolt. I knew one of them would block me. Before I could leave, I had to put in writing that “I am not fucking suicidal.” Yes, I dropped the f-bomb. I was angry. I got paranoid when she asked me to sign my name. What the hell was that about? I wanted to know what was going to happen with that piece of paper. I didn’t feel that I needed to convince anyone that I wasn’t suicidal. Kristy made me sign my last name. I felt like I could pick up the table and throw it at that point. But I practiced a great deal of restraint and signed. I looked it over and felt hyper … I wrote the word ‘fuck’ in church. The giggles started … I wanted to write it all over the paper, but it was taken away before I could. It was to go into my file. But, I was free to leave. I got out quickly. I was done talking … soooooooo done. And I sped off, completely zoned out while on the road and exhausted.

Today.Today was good I will admit. I was lacking sleep and felt a bit crabby this morning. I helped my dad stuff newspapers for delivery. Then I got to meet the same friend from the night before at church … we went for a nice walk which I think lasted about 45 minutes. It made me feel good to be around her … she makes it easy to want to let people in. Honestly, it really makes me smile just to think about it. We drove back to church and I hung out in her office while she went back to work. I like her office. It’s peaceful and warm and smells nice. It’s a safe place. I colored more on an abstract piece I’ve been working on for weeks … eventually, I will finish. Later, she came back and I tagged along while we went back to her house to pick up her son … pretty cool kid from what I know about him. Again, drove back to church … I had the heart-shaped box with the blades in my purse. I decided I could give up three of them. I had two more – one for backup. I remade a promise to myself – to only cut if I couldn’t otherwise calm down. I don’t want to cut just for the sake of cutting, just because I’m stubborn and no one can tell me ‘no.’ It’s a small step … but I’m taking small doses of this recovery stuff. It’s overwhelming.

I have no good reasons to cut today. Tomorrow morning, I will go to work for four hours, leave and head back up to church … and take a walk with my friend … and talk. And just plain allow myself to be loved damnit.

That is all. ❤