The Aftermath

Jan 21 – 28. Day one = yesterday night.

I expect to be attacked with self injury urges even greater.

I started a 7 day mission last night with the goal to go through next Tuesday. Praying for a specific 5 friends every day with the prayer requests they’ve given me and a verse to go along. In return, prayer for being attacked with my addiction (as I know spiritual warfare will come and grip me easily in this form) and a call or text from each to keep me accountable. “Have you prayed today?”

Last night I felt safe. I was taking this seriously. I physically called every person and told them my plan. I’ve touched base with everyone today after starting last night. Taking the focus off my own life and issues was the goal of this, however, going through the process will still allow me to grow in ways that I so desperately need. It’s also the desire of wanting to be supportive of others in my world and give back in prayer … interceding for them.

I had some simple life things happen today (perfect timing) that shook me. One thing is having to purchase a new battery along with my oil change. I had a little extra money this month due to some sub shifts, so I covered it and am thankful for that. At least I won’t get stranded in the cold due to a dead battery. 2nd – I received a phone call while sitting at church preparing to get a little creative and have some chill art therapy while pondering over my list of people and their prayer requests. I stared at my phone when it rang …

My mother. I haven’t spoken to her for various reasons in the last couple years, maybe more. She is a sick woman and I don’t really have very much resentment, but it just is what it is. I haven’t reached out because of my fragile mental health at the time. It’s gotten better, but I still haven’t been ready to have a relationship with her. I answered the phone and choked. I couldn’t hang up. We talked for a least an hour … she was informing me about her end of life plans. She would like to be cremated and she is an organ donor. There is to be no service, no funeral. Information about the life insurance policy is in a ziploc baggy in her closet in the hallway of her apartment. I am a beneficiary. Whatever little money might be left would go to me – to be split with my brother. Mother’s ring would be in the ziplock baggy as well … which I am to inherit. Most leftover money might go to unpaid medical bills.

I listened to her process this for an hour. I wrote everything on a post it. An hour … the same predictable words. At some point after this, she asked me … how my brother and how daddy were doing. How was I doing? I don’t remember saying much except for mmhmm and an occassional question here and there. She rambles … it would have been hard to really say anything even if I had wanted to. I could have quite possibly said, “I’m just going to sit here and cut myself while listening to you.”

There were a lot of tears on my part. She could tell I tried to hide them but I was honest when she asked. She said that when she feels tears well up, she pushes them back. She said she easily did it during our conversation. That’s okay … I get it. If she had started crying, I don’t think I’d be comfortable at all anyway. I had to go … hung up the phone … the goodbye process typically takes at least 15 minutes with her. I was emotionally exhausted.

The timing was not awesome, but not surprising. Of course, I would be attacked in a way I hadn’t expected. Ironically, today is a day I haven’t wanted to cut at all. That phone call killed it. I cried. A few minutes later, I sat in O’s office, got held, cried a bit more. Thank God I was in there because anywhere else – full blown mania. I had to push it back and will it away. Eventually, I calmed down … that is the safest place I could have had it escalate. Mania dissipated. Any creative juice I may have had was gone … my sharpie was left uncapped as I wandered off talking on the phone. It very nearly made me flip out when I tested it – completely dried out. O sat with me a while longer … while I calmed down. Since then, I’ve come home, taken a bath, ate crap food, burned some CDs for a church ministry, and vegged out on TV. I still have no desire to cut. It is very strange … not feeling to an extent where cutting isn’t even a desirable option. What would it release me from? I already went through a wide range of emotions in less than 2 hours.

Now I sit here typing this. I have to accomplish day 2 yet of my quiet time. It will be a challenge not feeling, but I don’t want to cry anymore. I want to do it because it is a goal I set for myself … but tonight will be what it is to be, whether or not I feel anything at all.

I could choose to look at the phone call as an attack or maybe see it as something supernatural in progress. Maybe God is working behind the scenes. Maybe I’m not praying for myself, but at the same time, through my obedience … He is still preparing me through this experience for bigger things …

Does that make sense?

I’m spent.

 

Random thoughts I can’t fully elaborate on.

I am perplexed by the belief of having two different minds.

I was scared and comforted last night. I asked her to squeeze my wrist at the tail end of service.

I am struggling with obsessions today trying to reconnect with an old friend, and because of this … I will be brokenhearted if nothing comes from my efforts. I won’t understand. I have tried so hard … has she wondered about me in the last 10 years?

A guy is interested in me. I feel not much of anything … is this a genuine lack of interest or is it a defense mech I like to call fear? It’s too overwhelming to respond to the emails he sends.

Counting down to retreat. Debating whether or not I want to drive alone. I am excited this year … mildly. I think it will be easier …

Now that I’ve been at church more, studying and such … I am feeling more self conscious, due to the way I portray myself on facebook … I feel triggered. I don’t want to come off phony. Everything I feel is real in that moment …

I don’t know what else I can say.

I love you all. Sending and receiving hugs. ❤ Please pray for the friend situation.

 

 

My Day

• I worked 8-1.
• I had lunch with a new friend. I hope she had a nice time … and I’m glad I got to visit with her. It made my day.
• I did homework from 2:30ish till 5:30ish at church.
• I hung around and waited for Raiders of the Lost Arts. (It’s a knitting/crocheting group that I’ve to in the past, simply because many of my people go.)
• I visited for an hour.  (Well … kinda. I was there at least.)
• I drove home with a sense of lacking. This isn’t uncommon.
• On the way home, I listened to this song on the radio. It happened to be on, and I really like Linkin Park. I just do.

• As I was driving through downtown, I started wondering to myself … If I did decide to just do my cutting thing, my burning thing, my unsafety pin thing … etc. I wonder how long I could go without admitting it to somebody. I wonder how long I could live with the guilt. I wonder if I could somehow make myself learn to do it without feeling guilty. Do I really want to go 5 months hiding cuts and burns in various stages of healing? Do I need to spring that on someone later? And why 5 months, is that some sort of sick goal I’m holding out for myself just to see if I could last? How would my relationships change? Would they really know me well enough to know when I’m hiding? Would they say anything? It’s not worth the stress, but I want to.
• I took a shower after I got home.
• Gandolph is currently being abnoxious on my computer desk.
• And now in my lap.
• I am going to watch Grey’s Anatomy online.
• And I will take melatonin soon!! Yay. ^_^
• I’m counting down till I have to go back to Blue Sky … less than 3 days. I have alot of hours to make up …
• I guess I’m really only writing this to keep myself busy …
• Because I’m not sure how to really feel right now.
• ❤ End.

Reflecting on the Basics: Family, Work, and School.

C

 

R

 

A

 

S

 

H

 

 

The last couple of days have been a bit different. I didn’t have school last Monday because of Labor Day. Later in the day, I went to my Aunt’s house. Family time. Familiar and lots of strangers. I don’t relate very well. I found myself sitting alone much of the time … or wandering. Or chatting up my pre-teen 2nd cousin … cause she’s pretty cool. All the drinking was a little uncomfortable, yet I found myself daydreaming about slamming a few. Slamming? That’s probably not the correct term … it takes me forever to drink anything. I did need something to relax. I have a doodle app on my phone that I played with for a good half hour. Dad and I drove seperately and he left before me. That’s when I started plotting my own escape. The anxiety and unease was beginning to be unbearable and I knew I would soon snap mentally. I’m glad I’ve learned to recognize those limits in the last 6 months or so. Before I left, I met up with my Aunt in the house … perfect timing actually. She called me into her bedroom and the plan was to let me play with doodling supplies. You see … my aunt is a pretty freaking amazing artist herself … words, singing, but her abstract flavored Sharpie-art is my favorite. It’s one of the few things I feel like I have in common with her. I am not close with any of my family really but I feel like I could be with her. Someday soon, we will plan a doodle date and just create stuff. And talk. Before I left, she dug out a piece she started creating and gave it to me. She wants me to finish it. I am hoping it will inspire me … lately anything I try to do art wise frustrates me. And I don’t want to wreck what she’s done … I kind of just want to hold it and let it give me comfort. But it will need to be finished … cause that’s just how it is. Anyway, it would be nice to have one person in my family I feel like I can grow close to. Not that I don’t love them all … it’s just hard to get close.

I will finish this … I want it to be just right.

 

Sidebar: At this moment, I am tasting blood in my mouth. I can’t get it out. 5 minutes. Highly triggering. I think I coughed before that. Gross …

I will try to ignore and continue writing. I picked up an extra shift this morning at Northwoods. We have a few seriously sick kitties in our ISO room. One of them this morning looked exactly like Khloe in her last day of life. Labored, open mouth breathing and dilated eyes. Hers was a heart condition in the end … kitties in ISO have a respiratory thing (or at least that’s what it appears to be … ). Sigh. Sometimes it’s just too heart-breaking. Of course, I left worrying about them. I don’t know how Oliver is doing now … I hope he was brought to the vet but I’m not sure and I don’t wanna bug my boss again. I will be there tomorrow morning … I guess I will find out then.

I had another externship interview today. I did really well. I was prepared, left them with a very professional binder with references and work examples, and I answered their questions reasonably well. I even got to ask a few questions of my own, including some regarding my own performance in the interview itself … I didn’t hear anything negative. That made my heart happy to hear their praise. It is hard to get excited because there are two more applicants to be interviewed and I won’t know where I stand for at least a few days. She did say that if they really have trouble choosing, they may do a working interview. I could probably get through that if I had to … but I don’t want to think about it.

Hey the blood taste briefly went away …

I feel okay now … I have this inability to be excited. I should be happy I did well and less anxious because that part is over. But I kinda just feel itchy … and wanting to do anything to make myself feel better. I just envisioned myself with ball and chain over my ankles … always walking toward something and hoping while dragging the weight of my insecurities.

I am a little flustered right now. I’m watching the time tick away but I’m not attending church service tonight. The message is so relevant. I don’t want to go anywhere else though … I don’t want to go because it’s like a chore … and I don’t like going to church in that state of mind … makes me resentful. 😦 I’m just tired from today … all the mental and physical prep. I want to celebrate … I don’t know how! When I graduate school, dad wants to throw me a party. My friend Jenni wants to plan something to. “What would the ideal celebration look like?” (Deer in the headlights, thanks.) Me graduating is worth celebrating … but I don’t know what that looks like. I’m just trying to get through today …

Random end: I am really starting to be super aware of when I use the phrase, “I feel …” I’m starting to really not like that.

There’s something in the water.

So for those I don’t talk to on a regular basis, but still see my blog …

I’ve been tired, therefore a lack of updating. But life still goes on.

School is going well thus far … I attended open lab today, which of course, I was the only one there so I got all the tasks to myself. Nail clipping, F-leuk testing, making blood smears and CBC, venipuncture (annoying tiny femoral veins and wiggly cats) … but it’s good. Practice is good … alsdjfalkfjaljf. It’s good.

Two counseling appointments ago, I called mom …. listening to her answering machine message and then hung up. A day later she called me back … so apparently she has caller id and knew it was me. She left a message … very to the point and business-like sounding … I decided I’m not calling her back unless I’m in a safe place. It’s way too triggering and upsetting. And I shouldn’t keep testing that theory either.

I worked last Sunday at the shelter … after I came home from a very long and annoying morning, I so just wanted to sleep the rest of the day away, hide, and be left alone. I came home to be completely surprised as my dad told me he had gone to church that morning … a number of Charles Stanley sermons on tv finally pestered his heart enough to go. He went alone. He went early and sat on one of the back benches, listening to the tail end of the first sermon. He tithed a very difficult amount to give. He’s been trying hard these past few days. I went to church with him tonight … originally, I said I didn’t want to. About a half hour before service, I went out to the garage and found him sitting and reading. I asked if he still wanted to go … he was getting tired and kinda wasn’t in the mood anymore. Not really wanting to go myself, but already pretty much making up my mind to do it anyway, I asked if he was sure. He wasn’t sure. He let me decide. I didn’t know. This indecisiveness was passed back and forth for all of 2 minutes. Eventually, I said “Well, clearly we both need to go. This is stupid.” That ended it.

I’m glad we went … I’m glad he is feeling happier, but we all know it’s going to be hard. He is so afraid of failing. I’m afraid of it all. God needs to be at the center of my family and dad is hungry for it and I know we need it … but it’s unfamiliar and provides me with a level of discomfort I don’t feel I’m emotionally equipped to deal with right now. Then I feel selfish … like my safe place is going to no longer be a refuge for me to hide when things get bad. I’m struggling not to resign to the “things will get bad again so why get your hopes up” kind of mentality.

I feel like maybe sometime soon it could be safe enough to reveal all of what I’ve been holding back … but I have to be careful. I’m afraid of losing control if I do. I’m afraid of all of my thoughts being in the wide open. Words spoken most frequently make me uncomfortable … “I don’t worry about you so much because you have all of your women at church, but your brother has no one … he’s the one I worry about.” It makes me shy away and question my motives for saying anything at all … so for now, I’ll stay silent. He is also having surgery on the 9th again … the less stress and worry to him the better …

Also, I’ve stepped lightly back into the dating scene of christian mingle. God help me. I am so uncomfortable and suddenly not sure what I want or if I’m worthy. That area of my life seems impossible, closed off, and non-existant for my future. I am attempting to trust in God for whatever He wants to do with that.

Vivid thoughts of cutting continue. A relapse last Tuesday with a safety pin bracelet. The scratches are healed over now. I shouldn’t have called mom … it’s the final straw of what I think threw me into a manic state and I needed the tension release. And I was disappointed I wasn’t caught. Sad but true.

This post was not meant to be quite so heavy … I guess my brain is less vacant than I thought.

I am also feeling a great, great love for my church family … my heart is swollen.

Hi.

• Sunday was nice. I had a good morning at work and a fun afternoon at church.
• Sunday evening the crash hit me … reluctancy to go to sleep … after midnight I went to bed.
• I woke up Monday morning … I wasn’t hungry, I wanted nothing to do with daylight, and I didn’t want to be bothered.
• The crash was a little extreme. This bothered me. I had no ambition, no desire to care for myself, and a darkness over me. I wanted my entire basement like a tomb. I didn’t get dressed. I layed on the living room floor … staring. I eventually went back to bed … laid in bed until 530 pm.
• I had a crazy dream that I can’t recall any details now.
• Did you know that if you sleep all day your problems go away?
• Did you know that if you sleep all day your thoughts and impulses are absent?
• By 530 though, I was so physically uncomfortable I had to move. I had multiple text and voice messages to answer and at the time, wanted to ignore.
• I answered a few, took a shower … wanted to take a nap in the shower … got out, got dressed. By this time, I really hadn’t eaten for at least 24 hours … I wasn’t hungry.
• Sleeping makes your appetite go away … bonus.
• Despite my crash, I did something that I had put off multiple times … I went out with some women from Monday Night Bible Study. I barely know any of them. It is a challenge I’ve been facing for a few months.
• Walking into the restaraunt was like being splashed with acid. Truthfully, I only went cause one of my core people were there and she will be leaving in a couple days for to a far, far away place … till the middle of August.
• I went for her. I did alright, but don’t feel connected to anyone. I didn’t really feel connected at all to myself though either all day so I guess it makes sense.
• Today is …. Tuesday. I had a spontaneous lunch with a new friend. It was her first time eating sushi. I am happy I got to be the one to help cross it off her bucket list. We enjoyed ourselves.
• I had my counseling session afterward … it was productive … it was good. I have to get back on track with my homework though … I felt more comfortable this time than I normally do during the session. I really didn’t want it to end.
• I stayed after for 2 hours and worked on a new art piece I’ve been doing … mixture of sharpie and colored pencil. I continue to work on it mainly because I don’t like leaving those types of projects undone. It’s not satisfying … or distracting so much though … I don’t particularly enjoy the piece I’m working on. That is frustrating. I think it’s because I started it, intending for it to be something completely different. It is what it is. The temptation to scratch out the entire page with red sharpie is highly difficult to resist though.
• I had a touchy situation when I got home working in the garage with dad. It’s okay now. His frustration was just boiling over and he couldn’t comprehend what I was telling him. But it’s okay now … for real.
• I am sitting here now wishing I had taken melatonin or something to knock me out at a decent hour. I get to work in the morning. It is possible I will be at church some of the day tomorrow working on the art project that I have to finish … because I must torture myself finishing something that I don’t care to. I will also try to attend service tomorrow night … again.
• I also don’t want to be afraid to feel joy, simply because I’m more scared of the sudden crash that comes after. Pray for balancing of my moods. I yearn for the control again and every unhealthy way to get that back has been all too appealing.
• End.

Self Harm – 30 Day Challenge (Day 1)

Day 1: How long have you been self-harming? Discuss why you started.

OKAY. So I’ve been on here for approximately an hour. I’ve decided I’m not ready to write about this yet …

So I will talk about my day instead … ignoring other things in the back of my mind. The morning went well … worked at the shelter with two coworkers that I enjoy … and who actually DO the job correctly. (That’s really a plus when working in an animal shelter.)

I got off of work an hour later than I anticipated however … so that made me a bit anxious. I was going to meet O at church and just got to be to late. I got to meet her at the house instead … which really, was a lot less overwhelming anyway. I got to tag along while she shopped for nom noms and other things that wouldn’t taste good … like bug spray … and vaseline. Simple ordinary tasks spent with a close friend … it’s really what I most enjoy. I’m pretty low maintenance like that. 🙂

We got back to her house and unloaded the haul. I watched half-amused as she packed up camping stuff. (I can’t wait to go camping later this fall.) Before I left, we had lazy couch chat time … googly eyes … haha. Silliness mixed with just the right amount of serious. That’s one thing I really appreciate about our relationship. I eventually had to come to terms with one of the main reasons I wanted to see her though. She asked for the razor that I was to dispose of. The last time I needed to buy some for shaving I decided to get disposable ones. The one I needed to get rid of had gotten dull. I’m still at the point where I need to give them away … otherwise, they will sit in my garbage … or around the house. I hadn’t ripped this one apart yet … blades were still safely tucked away in the razor cartridge. I’m weird I guess … as far as taking razors apart, I normally will only do it after I’ve used them to their capacity for shaving. Breaking apart an unused one would be a waste of money. However, I also still have a hard time thinking of the dull razor in the garbage because there are blades that I could have popped out and lusted over … they might not be best for shaving anymore, but I still could have used them. I’m annoyed, pleased, sad and anxious for throwing the razor. I must force myself to accept it’s a good thing as horribly uncomfortable as it is. Soon after, I decided it was time to go. I half-hugged her as she hugged me like crazy. (I have to learn to hug … half-hugs were taught to me by mom. Gotta stop.) I walked away … with a tug of war in my spirit and a tiny hole in my heart. Grieving for a stupid razor tossed in the garbage from someone who truly loves me and wants to see me free. I drove home thinking about it.

The rest of the day was alright … keep remembering I don’t have school tomorrow due to memorial day. Yay. I helped dad in the yard for about an hour or two … pulled weeds, put down cedar chips, brought up a new flag on the pole, touched a bit of poison ivy but apparently I’m alright … go me. None of this really matters … I’m just rambling. It was a good day …

And now I want gelato. The end.

Conquer?

That is a word foreign in my daily life … sure, I have small victories here and there but I don’t think of myself as a conqueror … charging ahead with determination. That’s not me … I feel defeated very quickly … I don’t have a lot of self confidence to try again when something goes wrong … it’s something I need to work on a little bit at a time …

My day started out very groggy … I was in and out of sleep all last night … every noise felt too loud. The dryer was spinning, the water heater kept going on and on for some reason, random loud step from upstairs … my bladder yelling at me every 20 minutes cause I decided to drink tea an hour before bed. All this aside, I’m a very light sleeper anyway. I was highly depressed for the better part of the day yesterday. The longer I was awake last night the more I entertained the thought of calling in to work this morning and making up some lie about why I couldn’t be there. I didn’t have very high hopes for today … in fact, I had just accepted the fact that it would suck and I would be pissed off and ready to slice my anger away by the time I got home.

Strangely, this didn’t happen the way I expected. I went to work this morning crabby … cooped up shelter animals don’t like when you’re in a sour mood. They sense the anxiety and test your patience. I was automatically irritated that I had to work with a certain person that tests my nerves. I got to work and checked the schedule. I was assigned Dog Holding, Dog Isolation, Cat Isolation and Intake. There were two dogs in holding. One of the dogs had no water … no water dish. Someone didn’t give her water the day before … I wanted to yell. This is basic care. If I had done that in school animal care, my ass would get chewed out. How do you go in to the kennel, let the dog out to potty, and not notice there isn’t water? I wrote a note to my boss … gave Zena water and let it go. I cannot control … I remedied the situation and let it go. Shortly after this, a new kennel hand I hadn’t met yet arrived … she was to come help us today but I didn’t know because she wasn’t on the schedule. This was promising …. my mood lifted slightly. I also learned that she also goes to my school and is a bit earlier in the program than I am. She is eager and willing to work … two traits you absolutely must have to work in a kennel environment and as a vet tech in training besides. I finished DH. Dog Iso was empty. Intake is easy because typically there are no animals there and it’s the place people enter when surrendering an animal. I decided to also clean exam for the coworker who irritates me. This way I’d know it was cleaned properly … control. (It’s highly important though that you just don’t rush through with it … germs spread quickly in a shelter.) (Still, it was a control thing though in the long run. Surprise. Plus, it was still super early.) I had cat iso next … sick kitty room. It was almost full and so my new coworker pitched in with me. After other miscellaneous tasks were finished for the morning, I got out of work about 10:30. This is an hour earlier than usual for me … bonus. I would be able to drive out early and actually study for the test I had today.

I went to school and took my test … reproduction in horses and neonatal diseases. I think I did pretty well … some of the t/f questions threw me but I felt good after. We also had to present our case study today to the class. I did a powerpoint presentation on equine colic. I chose to go second so I wouldn’t be too worked up by the end. I also chose a gnarly youtube video to go along with my presentation … horse colic surgery. I like gross things … especially when I get to show others against their will … and after lunch. If anyone wants to see it, I’ll be more than happy to show you. Class ended with lecture as usual and I headed back to church to study and eat before service.

As I was sitting in the lobby at a corner table … I was aware Orleen was around but I guess I was being kind of avoidant and awkward … especially because yesterday I was struggling with feelings of wanting to isolate. I didn’t really want to do that today but I am still not comfortable with just going up to a friend and saying hello all the time. I scream at myself inwardly to do it, but my legs don’t normally go anywhere and my head drops, seemingly extra distracted with what I’m doing. It’s silly really … but knowing that doesn’t make it any less hard. When she approached and sat down for a little bit, I felt better … I had been found … now I really couldn’t hide. She got up to go, I asked for a hug in case I didn’t go to service later. I breathed. I asked what the sermon was about … for a while now, wednesday night service has been about the different names to describe Jesus. Tonight was about Him being the chief cornerstone. She let me in on a little secret that during the service she would be using the lifesize jenga game to signify what a cornerstone does … this made my spirit tingle. I thought about it off and on before service started and while I did homework during worship as I debated whether or not I would stay and go in to the service late or go home. I opted to pack my things up and head in to the sanctuary about 15 minutes late. I sat down and waited … waited for the last song to get done as I tried to will the anxiety away, waited as she talked about upcoming events and classes from the bulletin, waited through the sermon and waited for the one right verse that I knew would come right before she would ask for a volunteer or two to play jenga on stage. I knew it … I sensed it coming. She asked for two volunteers … I had been waiting … I knew I had to go up in front of God and everyone and play with blocks to illustrate a point about when Christ is not first … not the basis of your life … that basically everything in your life is unstable … and you can’t build your hope on something with a crumbling foundation. It will come crashing down … just like when I pulled the block from the bottom and I had to shield my head. It’s such truth … I am living proof of that … and I got to remind myself of it and demonstrate it to others.

I went up on the stage … I decided I would … I made the choice. It was a relatively unexpectedly good day … and I made it better. After I pretty much bolted from the stage after that, I sat in my chair … tried to contain myself and tried to breathe … my breath was short and my heart felt tight but I survived. After service was done, I asked O if she was as shocked as I was. I guess I was hoping to hear a different answer other than “no, you start to become like the people you hang around.” She’s such a matter of fact lady … but it was still a big deal for me. It would have been 200% easier for me to give in to the isolation and not go into service at all. Just because she didn’t say that she’s proud of me … doesn’t mean she isn’t. I know she is … the words don’t need to be said I suppose. I want to be proud of myself to. I don’t recognize the person I was tonight … but maybe she’ll become more familiar as time goes on …

Small victories add up I guess …

crash

it’s not surprising that i seem to be plummeting mood wise … i had a small victory over the weekend … it’s not surprising that i will feel spiritually attacked …

i feel myself slipping into isolation … i don’t want to. i want to be close with my friends … i want to love them and be loved and be with them …

i am trying to make a plan for thursday before i slip too far … class in the morning …

i need to be with someone.

friday i will have completely free to, cause dad was scheduled to have his surgery  for his arm … which they cancelled … again. So, now I have a day off with nothing to do …

i need to stay busy. thoughts of cutting already coming back … i don’t want it …

i didn’t have counseling today either which probably has affected my mood a bit … i did however get my MMPI test scheduled for next tuesday at 2 … directly after my counseling appointment i’ll have. i’ve done the test years ago but i’m sure my results will be different … it takes approximately 2 hours to complete. i’m not really excited or nervous for it … all i have to do is be honest and consistent with my answers … i’ll learn more about myself i guess but i’m not sure i want to in that way …

i’ve been thinking about mom alot these days. i wonder how much longer i should wait to call her … or to see if she’ll contact me. i wonder how my grandma is doing in the nursing home that i drive past everyday. we’ve never had a relationship however … she is my mom’s mom … and neither are healthy. grandma helen probably wouldn’t even know who i was … i think if i visited her, it would affect me negatively … still i wonder …

otherwise, today was alright … went by fast … i went to bible study this morning. we are reading in hebrews. i have a difficult time staying in the present and find myself slipping. i offered to read the verses today … i was proud of myself for doing that … i’m glad i got through them. i found myself zoning out as i was reading … but i did good i was told. i felt shaky and short of breath when i was done but i’m glad i got through them.

i also finished a colored pencil piece i’ve been working on off and on for months … i’m glad it’s finally done. one step closer to selecting artwork for a display … displayed … that kinda wigs me out, but i feel honored at the same time.

i wish i could keep thinking of things to write about … makes me feel less lonely … like as if i were sitting with someone face to face and saying all these things … i think my vocal cords would go into shock if i spoke this much out loud in a sitting …

the end .. for now.

Women’s retreat + expanding comfort zone bucket list.

I went to MAG Women’s retreat this year. It was my first time … my friends have been trying to get me to go for approx. the last 3 years before this one. I didn’t go out of fear, finances, etc … but this year I made the choice I would and I absolutely needed to be there …

I sent an email to my ladies explaining how the weekend was for me … I won’t write all of that here, but I will take a most meaningful experience from there and share it here.

i ripped out all the pages in my book, had the blades in my hand … i had to do something … kristi came up with me to the altar and i left them at the altar because i didn’t want my only memories of retreat to be bad … i wanted to let them go but they wouldn’t let go of me. the altar call was intense … i was exhausted … i remember being so tense that i couldn’t move or breathe. there are moments i couldn’t make out what kristi was saying to me … i couldn’t make my body obey what she wanted me to do … i was out of control. i was bound … like something was sitting on my chest and throat. i couldn’t make words come out of my mouth. i couldn’t unclench my fists … i couldn’t stop thinking about cutting … and how the blades were surrendered once again and the feelings of regret and fear that came with it. i needed to hold on to the stage with one hand so i couldn’t hurt myself. i needed to pound my fists and i think at one point i remember kicking the stage … no control. i was pinned down and trying to break away and fighting for my life and sanity … if kristi wasn’t there, i would have passed out cause i don’t remember breathing … my heart hurt. she eventually was able to get me to sit up, but i couldn’t keep my head up anymore …. i was shutting down … i remember slipping away from myself and being brought back …

This experience took place on Saturday night. It was something that I won’t ever forget … the presence of God was there and I was fighting it but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t relax. The pages I talked about leaving at the altar were journal entries I had been writing since I got there on Friday afternoon. It was all negative … suicidal sounding … it was dark and hopeless … and I decided I didn’t want to keep those as my only memory of the weekend. I wanted to let them go … so I ripped them out and laid them on the altar with the two remaining blades I’ve been holding on to for a while. I am bladeless again … I imagine it’s probably been just over a week since I last cut …

The weekend centered alot around being transparent … I’ve been thinking about this and I want to work more on letting my humaness show. It’s scary showing imperfections and being honest about what you struggle with …

Since last night after getting home, I’ve had this short little list in my head about things I want to do that will help me with this …

• I’ve gone to a group called Raiders of the Lost Arts. It’s our church knitting/crocheting ministry … and the couple times I’ve gone I’ve brought my drawing books and pencils and worked on my own thing. Well, even though I don’t think I’ll like it very much … I want to learn … or at least try it once. Maybe I am convincing myself I won’t like it because I don’t have very much confidence in trying to do new things. However, at this moment I would be open in being taught one on one …. the more I think about it, the more important it becomes to me.
• At retreat, I shared my lodge room with my friend Joan. She knows in detail about how I struggle with s.i. Very very few people have ever seen the extent of my scarring … it’s not something you show. However, hiding the scars keeps you isolated and ashamed. I wore a tank top around bedtime in our room. Even when I was by myself, I felt so very exposed when I wore it. For me to be wearing it when she was around, even though it wasn’t a very long period of time, was a huge step for me. I don’t know if she saw my arms at any point, but I felt safe in that room … and I feel a little bit less isolated now that I’ve taken that step. When it starts getting warmer outside, my desire for myself is to be able to be comfortable around those I am increasingly growing closer to … and to feel like I can wear clothes like other people wear and not be afraid of judgement. Again, cuts wouldn’t be fresh … just scars … and only around people that know me.
• Also at retreat, we had a game night … there was so much going on and I felt very over-stimulated so I mostly avoided being in there … Jenni wanted me to do the bungee run with her … I just now saw a photo of her doing it with another lady from church … I should have been running next to her, but because I wouldn’t … I became the keeper of her hat while she got harnessed in and ran. Looking at the photo makes me sad … it makes me realize how much fun I missed out on because I wouldn’t allow it for myself. I know how much fun it would have been because I’ve done it before and have had whiplash from it. Good times. So, because I missed out on this, I want to do something else completely silly with my friend Jenni … so we both can laugh … whether or not the two of us are alone or in a group. I might be open to a dance party of two in her living room. I don’t dance … I never dance …. I don’t even like dancing by myself. But I need to do it.
• I need to start using my stilts. I love watching youtube vids of people doing tricks and listening to awesome music. I think the only reason why I haven’t used them is because no one else around here has them. I am scared to use them in public and try anything for fear of failing. This spring when it gets warmer, I want to be gutsy enough to bring them to church and play in the parking lot. It will be a great outlet for me … mentally, physically, emotionally … all of the above. Self esteem wise, it could be awesome knowing that I have these crazy leg extensions that not many people I know are even willing to try. It feels good knowing I can do something that others aren’t willing to do … but that doesn’t mean I don’t want them to try! It would be nice to teach someone the skill … and feel useful.
• I am still wanting to take O up on displaying my art at church … this would help people get inside my head … without the fear and intimidation of me introducing myself face to face. My humaness would be on display … my struggles and victories … and my pictures could portray what can’t be put into words … testimony. I do okay one on one meeting people – usually if someone I already know and trust introduces me … than I feel like I can begin a friendship. Maybe my art can be a gateway to meeting new people … maybe even a ministry like Raiders can become of it someday …

I will think of more things … but I think the above list is a good start. Baby steps … I am glad I can take these steps now with the support I so desperately needed and lacked for so long. Now, I just need to try … one at a time … with one person … and allow them to help me bring my guard down and let others in.

I feel inspired …