That is a word foreign in my daily life … sure, I have small victories here and there but I don’t think of myself as a conqueror … charging ahead with determination. That’s not me … I feel defeated very quickly … I don’t have a lot of self confidence to try again when something goes wrong … it’s something I need to work on a little bit at a time …
My day started out very groggy … I was in and out of sleep all last night … every noise felt too loud. The dryer was spinning, the water heater kept going on and on for some reason, random loud step from upstairs … my bladder yelling at me every 20 minutes cause I decided to drink tea an hour before bed. All this aside, I’m a very light sleeper anyway. I was highly depressed for the better part of the day yesterday. The longer I was awake last night the more I entertained the thought of calling in to work this morning and making up some lie about why I couldn’t be there. I didn’t have very high hopes for today … in fact, I had just accepted the fact that it would suck and I would be pissed off and ready to slice my anger away by the time I got home.
Strangely, this didn’t happen the way I expected. I went to work this morning crabby … cooped up shelter animals don’t like when you’re in a sour mood. They sense the anxiety and test your patience. I was automatically irritated that I had to work with a certain person that tests my nerves. I got to work and checked the schedule. I was assigned Dog Holding, Dog Isolation, Cat Isolation and Intake. There were two dogs in holding. One of the dogs had no water … no water dish. Someone didn’t give her water the day before … I wanted to yell. This is basic care. If I had done that in school animal care, my ass would get chewed out. How do you go in to the kennel, let the dog out to potty, and not notice there isn’t water? I wrote a note to my boss … gave Zena water and let it go. I cannot control … I remedied the situation and let it go. Shortly after this, a new kennel hand I hadn’t met yet arrived … she was to come help us today but I didn’t know because she wasn’t on the schedule. This was promising …. my mood lifted slightly. I also learned that she also goes to my school and is a bit earlier in the program than I am. She is eager and willing to work … two traits you absolutely must have to work in a kennel environment and as a vet tech in training besides. I finished DH. Dog Iso was empty. Intake is easy because typically there are no animals there and it’s the place people enter when surrendering an animal. I decided to also clean exam for the coworker who irritates me. This way I’d know it was cleaned properly … control. (It’s highly important though that you just don’t rush through with it … germs spread quickly in a shelter.) (Still, it was a control thing though in the long run. Surprise. Plus, it was still super early.) I had cat iso next … sick kitty room. It was almost full and so my new coworker pitched in with me. After other miscellaneous tasks were finished for the morning, I got out of work about 10:30. This is an hour earlier than usual for me … bonus. I would be able to drive out early and actually study for the test I had today.
I went to school and took my test … reproduction in horses and neonatal diseases. I think I did pretty well … some of the t/f questions threw me but I felt good after. We also had to present our case study today to the class. I did a powerpoint presentation on equine colic. I chose to go second so I wouldn’t be too worked up by the end. I also chose a gnarly youtube video to go along with my presentation … horse colic surgery. I like gross things … especially when I get to show others against their will … and after lunch. If anyone wants to see it, I’ll be more than happy to show you. Class ended with lecture as usual and I headed back to church to study and eat before service.
As I was sitting in the lobby at a corner table … I was aware Orleen was around but I guess I was being kind of avoidant and awkward … especially because yesterday I was struggling with feelings of wanting to isolate. I didn’t really want to do that today but I am still not comfortable with just going up to a friend and saying hello all the time. I scream at myself inwardly to do it, but my legs don’t normally go anywhere and my head drops, seemingly extra distracted with what I’m doing. It’s silly really … but knowing that doesn’t make it any less hard. When she approached and sat down for a little bit, I felt better … I had been found … now I really couldn’t hide. She got up to go, I asked for a hug in case I didn’t go to service later. I breathed. I asked what the sermon was about … for a while now, wednesday night service has been about the different names to describe Jesus. Tonight was about Him being the chief cornerstone. She let me in on a little secret that during the service she would be using the lifesize jenga game to signify what a cornerstone does … this made my spirit tingle. I thought about it off and on before service started and while I did homework during worship as I debated whether or not I would stay and go in to the service late or go home. I opted to pack my things up and head in to the sanctuary about 15 minutes late. I sat down and waited … waited for the last song to get done as I tried to will the anxiety away, waited as she talked about upcoming events and classes from the bulletin, waited through the sermon and waited for the one right verse that I knew would come right before she would ask for a volunteer or two to play jenga on stage. I knew it … I sensed it coming. She asked for two volunteers … I had been waiting … I knew I had to go up in front of God and everyone and play with blocks to illustrate a point about when Christ is not first … not the basis of your life … that basically everything in your life is unstable … and you can’t build your hope on something with a crumbling foundation. It will come crashing down … just like when I pulled the block from the bottom and I had to shield my head. It’s such truth … I am living proof of that … and I got to remind myself of it and demonstrate it to others.
I went up on the stage … I decided I would … I made the choice. It was a relatively unexpectedly good day … and I made it better. After I pretty much bolted from the stage after that, I sat in my chair … tried to contain myself and tried to breathe … my breath was short and my heart felt tight but I survived. After service was done, I asked O if she was as shocked as I was. I guess I was hoping to hear a different answer other than “no, you start to become like the people you hang around.” She’s such a matter of fact lady … but it was still a big deal for me. It would have been 200% easier for me to give in to the isolation and not go into service at all. Just because she didn’t say that she’s proud of me … doesn’t mean she isn’t. I know she is … the words don’t need to be said I suppose. I want to be proud of myself to. I don’t recognize the person I was tonight … but maybe she’ll become more familiar as time goes on …
Small victories add up I guess …
One moment at a time. 