Pain

Pain changes a person. I’ve seen it … I’m living it now. Ask me anything you want and I will give an honest answer. Pain humbles and it’s making me feel vulnerable and transparent. I outright told God that my faith means nothing, that it’s not strong enough for Him to do anything. I am feeling desperate and helpless. My teeth feel like they are being twisted like rusty bent and broken screws into my jawbone. My faith is not strong. I am considering all the worst case scenarios. Dwelling is more like it. Worries that if I lose this tooth I will never be loved by any man … that it just adds to my list of qualities no one can unsee. I do not feel particularly attractive as it is. This may not be truth … at least my people would argue against it. Pain … I told God I was too weak to deal. It is humbling me excessively. Like I’m a piece of shit who brought all of this on. Years of depression and personal neglect have built up to this one moment. In this moment, I am thinking I am worthless, ridiculous, and a failed attempt at what a 30 year old woman should be. And a failure at what I dreamed for myself … a failure at what I honestly believe God as called me for. Pain is changing me. One measly torturous infected tooth is making me feel crazy. I can’t sleep. Life is funny … never satisfied. It could be worse. Regardless, I am in misery and I feel so ungrateful, so small. And I really need a God who is bigger than what I feel. I need to believe in Him. I could tell Him I will perform better as a Christian if He heals my mouth. Empty promise. I want to be better. Maybe this glaring screen full of my thoughts is a start. Pain leads to transparency … I hope that leads to change. God is so good, I know this but do I truly believe that? I can’t say it aloud and be convincing. I want to be convincing. I want it to be truth. Being the human I am, I want nothing more than this writhing pain to go the hell away. And God should do it. Because He can. And I am selfish. My heart is scared. I am disobedient. I am holding onto a blade. I believe that depression will always be a ball and chain in my life, always making me question if whatever I am feeling is accurate or real. I have a lot of unanswered questions and unfulfilled hopes, and apparently this one rotting tooth is making me analyze everything. God help me turn to You … and not only when my life appears to be inconvenient or painful. Always, so that the little things don’t seem like a death sentence.

Mania is wonderfully productive for getting things done … as long as you’re actually stuck on the things that need doing. Mania is not awesome when one knows they need to go to sleep and can’t because of restless legs and incoherent thoughts. It is not awesome when logically you know you’re tired but can’t wind down. Beating against invisible bars closing in on me. I can’t reset this. Feeling loss, reliving childhood. Childhood has leaked into my adult present and I am so needing to regress in search of comfort. In search of soothe. A soothing I did not have as a child but crave as an adult. Soothe does not come from a blade. Not this kind. The blade hurts and maims and kills. The only thing I feel may help me relax at this moment does not exist. I can’t create it. It can be real but I’m scared to ask for it. I need to feel it tightly wound around me. There is no one to hold me, to squeeze me, to calm the unpredictable raging underneath.

My infamous bullet point update …

* I used communication and broke through a barrier last night … even though it totally sucked.
* I slept without melatonin last night. I’m gonna try again tonight …
* I attended Thanksgiving service tonight with dad … it was difficult and awkward and I’m not okay with that … but glad I went.
* I sought out my people and hugged them. One person sought me out.
* It was a relief to hug one person in particular … it’s been long overdue. I look forward to seeing her again on Friday.
* I thought of cutting prior to church to take the edge off … I asked for prayer instead.
* I sit on my bed now … lots of thoughts swimming around … not bad ones, not great ones … just thoughtful thoughts. Conflicting thoughts … spiritual thoughts.
* I have a stomach ache and a headache … my food consumption has been messed up the past few days … I’m not sure how that happened.
* I finished an art piece I’ve been working on the past year or more … I’m glad it’s done so I can move on … if you look closely, there is a phrase written. This is what the thoughts and emotions feel like on a daily basis … scrambled, twisty, and all over the place. Sometimes, it would be nice to have relief from the chaos …

image

For me.

Something went wrong … something went sour … something convinced me to hide. Something convinced me that “fake it till you make it” is no longer working. Something is right. Something snapped. Not cutting for everyone else but me is no longer working. It is not working.

And until further notice, it is also pointless to write in here until I figure out who I’m doing recovery for … if I go for it at all. I am miserable. And if I’m going to venture out of my comfort zone or seek recovery, it damn well is gonna be for me. Trust me, if I could be content any other way I would take it …

When I’m ready to stop, I’ll throw away the blades myself. And that will be a great accomplishment. Until then … I’ll just have to accept this for what it is.