It is certainly accurate that I know how to push people away. I wish I haven’t mastered this skill. I’m glad Gandolph does not oblige or follow rules of this nature.

I told a friend tonight that I feel like I’m dead already and people just keep poking my body. Pretty soon they’re gonna stop poking …

It’s true. Why bother wasting energy on someone that isn’t receptive?

I need brain surgery …

combat.

writhing, grinding, rocking. whites of eyes bleeding tainted, acidic memories burning. pent up crazy. dizzy falling through narnia. colors of paranoia, flipped upside down. backward eyes see inside. brain matter, cold, sickly gray. fall fall fall away, reach for the grave. stripped bare, shame flaming, roaring. breaking silently, breathing intently. whispering upon deaf ears.

How did I get from desperately trying to will myself to cry … from not wanting to feel anything at all?

What switched? 

Searching. Wondering. Intrigued by a poem of sorts I wrote 15 years ago …

Unattainable Desire

I decorate my body

With blood-stained lines

They creep in smoothly

From a jagged blade

Windows to my heart

Burned and black

My heart’s desire

Is to feel emotion

Fucking numbness is a curse from the depths of Hell!

What is the use in trying?

Especially when I know . . .

I know for a fact

I will never become better

I will never change

And I will always . . .

Always be this pathetic

Numbness is a curse from Hell … ? How is feeling that much better? I guess I’m on the road of figuring it out …

Ice numbs the ache.

There are maybe two people in this world that I will allow to hug me when I’m having a terrible, no good, very bad day … week … month. These two people are able to hug me and I for that moment, don’t feel like I wanna punch someone in the face. These two people hug me and I actually genuinely enjoy the hug. (Well most of the time.) I would run from any hugs before or use my body as a shield. Coming at me from behind or from the side was out of the question. It still is with some people.

Anyone can pretty much gently coerce me into a hug now, but I seldom enjoy it. I didn’t really realize that until today during a lunch conversation … a lunch which I initiated with one of the two.

The last couple weeks have been a struggle to not feel anything, whether it be good or bad. Perhaps, I tell myself feeling the good is just as bad as … the bad. It’s more likely that I just don’t want to feel the bad. But since I know that’s not realistic, I tell myself … feeling nothing at all is way more appealing. Good can’t exist without bad. There is no balance. So I want to feel nothing. It’s not that I want to hold it all in … cause the aftermath in my experience is horribly unhealthy and unpleasant. But just that I want nothing … robotic. Numb. Non-existant. Cut out the little piece of my brain that gives me the feels. So it wouldn’t even be a struggle … I wouldn’t know any different … or remember. The struggle to not feel has resulted in edgy, raw, frustrated. Almost anger, but not quite. I’ve never allowed myself to be really angry. There are times that I have envied the person that could throw their fist through a wall though.

It’s just where I’m at. I’m sure I’ll get over it. But right now my social tolerance is low. I want the interaction but in very small doses. I’ve ignored texts. I’ve ran out of situations that threatened my peace. I’ve put people off and changed plans and turned my phone off. Sometimes, I just need space to be … but I’m not certain how much longer I need …

I’m glad I at least have those two people that make me forget the ugly I feel inside of me.

This moment

Peace doesn’t come naturally. And it doesn’t come often. Tonight is an exception.

Quiet drone of TV from upstairs. Window open, rain drip-dropping … scurry of varmint in my window well. Kitties intent. Candles flickering, light illuminating dancing shadows.

Surprise visit from a dear friend … to my house. Sweetness. Cat food can … ha.

Willing to trust a stranger’s promise to pay … in eight days. God provides. Pondering this.

I so love the rain. I relish the rain. It is so cleansing and almost magical how it falls … from miles above the ground.

I could be up for hours. I hope it lasts all night long. Coffee consumed at an unacceptable hour will help with that I’m certain. That’s okay …

I want to be exactly where I am. These moments are rare and fleeting. And I treasure them.

ever have one of those days where you just feel like you’ve missed something … something important? nagging feeling? a feeling of loss? i’m not sure why but that day is today. and i really wish i was tired … i feel like i’m grieving something but not sure what.

it is awkward and uncomfortable but it doesn’t make me wanna cut or anything … which is unusual. i am needing alone time but i don’t believe i’m isolating. i’m content not being around anyone.

i have to work tomorrow and the thought of that makes me anxious. the thought of working my normal schedule through monday seems exhausting and impossible.

i see the time slipping away and i feel more awake. that nap and post-nap energy tea was possibly a bad idea. but i couldn’t keep my eyes open …

i could use this time to read my bible, pray, attempt to feel something other than “this” …

:)