sweet sweet anxiety

i think my anxiety has started to haunt me in more aspects of my life … when i feel i’ve grown in one way … i backtrack in 2 more.

today it feels a bit unmanageable.

i got off work a bit early and went to do something i’d been putting off for months … and that is go to the thrift store and try to get some new clothes that fit right. currently, i have 2 pairs of pants i feel okay in … and now amidst all my clothes that are too small … these pairs of pants are starting to get too big.

i was walking around the aisles … it was not helpful that for whatever reason, it was super busy in there. i managed to grab a couple pairs but none of which i really liked. and if i didn’t really like them … then why try them on? that was the excuse i used anyway. really, i think it’s because i was afraid that they wouldn’t fit … i would get mad, cry, and that would trigger me to injure. i put them back and walked out.

i spent enough time in there (probably not even 30 minutes) that it thoroughly wore me out and i decided i wasn’t going to go anywhere else. i decided i’d die in the clothes that i have whether or not they flatter me.

target … didn’t know what i wanted, but drove through the parking lot and ended up at …

next stop – china buffet. i sat in the parking space … trying to reason in my head … i thought i kinda wanted hot and sour soup, but i didn’t want it bad enough to walk  in. i didn’t want to talk to the people. i was afraid i wouldn’t get what i wanted. i was afraid i’d order cream cheese wontons or chicken lo mein besides the soup and gorge when i got home, thus, furthering my problem of clothes not fitting. i tried to reason that – well, i could just wear pajama pants or sweats all the time. i backed out and left …

next stop – liquor store … i stopped there on a semi-impulse decision … kinda because i was annoyed and wanted to drink. i wasn’t happy walking up to the door … i got mid-way, took out my phone, stared at the screen … to find nothing of interest … but at least i made it look important when i turned around and walked back to my van. i thought of calling someone … but i know if i had done that and not gotten an answer, THEN i would have surely bought the alcohol cause i could justify it somehow. also, if i couldn’t cut, then i would drink … and people would just have to deal.

i left the liquor store … big apple bagels was next. if you’ve spent any great deal of time with me, you might know that i love some sort of cheese bagel with x-tra green olive cream cheese. i do love it … but the idea didn’t thrill me … even so, i continued on to my next destination … and drove right past. i reasoned that i had one on thursday night … i didn’t need another. my stomach would bulge out. i would have better luck fitting into my clothes if i didn’t eat …

now … i’m home. i’m worn out, hungry, thirsty, needy … yet not motivated to do anything about anything.

i’m motivated to cut – that’s about it. naturally, that would be my reaction. it is my reaction. i can see myself doing it constantly with great detail. though, i’m not physically doing it these days … i’m mentally doing it … all the time. you’d think that’d be enough.

it’s always about trying to control the things that control me.

i am wigged out. i hope i can relax and try again tomorrow.

i will work cleaning kennels tomorrow … the animals need me. and that feels good.

Women’s retreat + expanding comfort zone bucket list.

I went to MAG Women’s retreat this year. It was my first time … my friends have been trying to get me to go for approx. the last 3 years before this one. I didn’t go out of fear, finances, etc … but this year I made the choice I would and I absolutely needed to be there …

I sent an email to my ladies explaining how the weekend was for me … I won’t write all of that here, but I will take a most meaningful experience from there and share it here.

i ripped out all the pages in my book, had the blades in my hand … i had to do something … kristi came up with me to the altar and i left them at the altar because i didn’t want my only memories of retreat to be bad … i wanted to let them go but they wouldn’t let go of me. the altar call was intense … i was exhausted … i remember being so tense that i couldn’t move or breathe. there are moments i couldn’t make out what kristi was saying to me … i couldn’t make my body obey what she wanted me to do … i was out of control. i was bound … like something was sitting on my chest and throat. i couldn’t make words come out of my mouth. i couldn’t unclench my fists … i couldn’t stop thinking about cutting … and how the blades were surrendered once again and the feelings of regret and fear that came with it. i needed to hold on to the stage with one hand so i couldn’t hurt myself. i needed to pound my fists and i think at one point i remember kicking the stage … no control. i was pinned down and trying to break away and fighting for my life and sanity … if kristi wasn’t there, i would have passed out cause i don’t remember breathing … my heart hurt. she eventually was able to get me to sit up, but i couldn’t keep my head up anymore …. i was shutting down … i remember slipping away from myself and being brought back …

This experience took place on Saturday night. It was something that I won’t ever forget … the presence of God was there and I was fighting it but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t relax. The pages I talked about leaving at the altar were journal entries I had been writing since I got there on Friday afternoon. It was all negative … suicidal sounding … it was dark and hopeless … and I decided I didn’t want to keep those as my only memory of the weekend. I wanted to let them go … so I ripped them out and laid them on the altar with the two remaining blades I’ve been holding on to for a while. I am bladeless again … I imagine it’s probably been just over a week since I last cut …

The weekend centered alot around being transparent … I’ve been thinking about this and I want to work more on letting my humaness show. It’s scary showing imperfections and being honest about what you struggle with …

Since last night after getting home, I’ve had this short little list in my head about things I want to do that will help me with this …

• I’ve gone to a group called Raiders of the Lost Arts. It’s our church knitting/crocheting ministry … and the couple times I’ve gone I’ve brought my drawing books and pencils and worked on my own thing. Well, even though I don’t think I’ll like it very much … I want to learn … or at least try it once. Maybe I am convincing myself I won’t like it because I don’t have very much confidence in trying to do new things. However, at this moment I would be open in being taught one on one …. the more I think about it, the more important it becomes to me.
• At retreat, I shared my lodge room with my friend Joan. She knows in detail about how I struggle with s.i. Very very few people have ever seen the extent of my scarring … it’s not something you show. However, hiding the scars keeps you isolated and ashamed. I wore a tank top around bedtime in our room. Even when I was by myself, I felt so very exposed when I wore it. For me to be wearing it when she was around, even though it wasn’t a very long period of time, was a huge step for me. I don’t know if she saw my arms at any point, but I felt safe in that room … and I feel a little bit less isolated now that I’ve taken that step. When it starts getting warmer outside, my desire for myself is to be able to be comfortable around those I am increasingly growing closer to … and to feel like I can wear clothes like other people wear and not be afraid of judgement. Again, cuts wouldn’t be fresh … just scars … and only around people that know me.
• Also at retreat, we had a game night … there was so much going on and I felt very over-stimulated so I mostly avoided being in there … Jenni wanted me to do the bungee run with her … I just now saw a photo of her doing it with another lady from church … I should have been running next to her, but because I wouldn’t … I became the keeper of her hat while she got harnessed in and ran. Looking at the photo makes me sad … it makes me realize how much fun I missed out on because I wouldn’t allow it for myself. I know how much fun it would have been because I’ve done it before and have had whiplash from it. Good times. So, because I missed out on this, I want to do something else completely silly with my friend Jenni … so we both can laugh … whether or not the two of us are alone or in a group. I might be open to a dance party of two in her living room. I don’t dance … I never dance …. I don’t even like dancing by myself. But I need to do it.
• I need to start using my stilts. I love watching youtube vids of people doing tricks and listening to awesome music. I think the only reason why I haven’t used them is because no one else around here has them. I am scared to use them in public and try anything for fear of failing. This spring when it gets warmer, I want to be gutsy enough to bring them to church and play in the parking lot. It will be a great outlet for me … mentally, physically, emotionally … all of the above. Self esteem wise, it could be awesome knowing that I have these crazy leg extensions that not many people I know are even willing to try. It feels good knowing I can do something that others aren’t willing to do … but that doesn’t mean I don’t want them to try! It would be nice to teach someone the skill … and feel useful.
• I am still wanting to take O up on displaying my art at church … this would help people get inside my head … without the fear and intimidation of me introducing myself face to face. My humaness would be on display … my struggles and victories … and my pictures could portray what can’t be put into words … testimony. I do okay one on one meeting people – usually if someone I already know and trust introduces me … than I feel like I can begin a friendship. Maybe my art can be a gateway to meeting new people … maybe even a ministry like Raiders can become of it someday …

I will think of more things … but I think the above list is a good start. Baby steps … I am glad I can take these steps now with the support I so desperately needed and lacked for so long. Now, I just need to try … one at a time … with one person … and allow them to help me bring my guard down and let others in.

I feel inspired …