sweet sweet anxiety

i think my anxiety has started to haunt me in more aspects of my life … when i feel i’ve grown in one way … i backtrack in 2 more.

today it feels a bit unmanageable.

i got off work a bit early and went to do something i’d been putting off for months … and that is go to the thrift store and try to get some new clothes that fit right. currently, i have 2 pairs of pants i feel okay in … and now amidst all my clothes that are too small … these pairs of pants are starting to get too big.

i was walking around the aisles … it was not helpful that for whatever reason, it was super busy in there. i managed to grab a couple pairs but none of which i really liked. and if i didn’t really like them … then why try them on? that was the excuse i used anyway. really, i think it’s because i was afraid that they wouldn’t fit … i would get mad, cry, and that would trigger me to injure. i put them back and walked out.

i spent enough time in there (probably not even 30 minutes) that it thoroughly wore me out and i decided i wasn’t going to go anywhere else. i decided i’d die in the clothes that i have whether or not they flatter me.

target … didn’t know what i wanted, but drove through the parking lot and ended up at …

next stop – china buffet. i sat in the parking space … trying to reason in my head … i thought i kinda wanted hot and sour soup, but i didn’t want it bad enough to walk  in. i didn’t want to talk to the people. i was afraid i wouldn’t get what i wanted. i was afraid i’d order cream cheese wontons or chicken lo mein besides the soup and gorge when i got home, thus, furthering my problem of clothes not fitting. i tried to reason that – well, i could just wear pajama pants or sweats all the time. i backed out and left …

next stop – liquor store … i stopped there on a semi-impulse decision … kinda because i was annoyed and wanted to drink. i wasn’t happy walking up to the door … i got mid-way, took out my phone, stared at the screen … to find nothing of interest … but at least i made it look important when i turned around and walked back to my van. i thought of calling someone … but i know if i had done that and not gotten an answer, THEN i would have surely bought the alcohol cause i could justify it somehow. also, if i couldn’t cut, then i would drink … and people would just have to deal.

i left the liquor store … big apple bagels was next. if you’ve spent any great deal of time with me, you might know that i love some sort of cheese bagel with x-tra green olive cream cheese. i do love it … but the idea didn’t thrill me … even so, i continued on to my next destination … and drove right past. i reasoned that i had one on thursday night … i didn’t need another. my stomach would bulge out. i would have better luck fitting into my clothes if i didn’t eat …

now … i’m home. i’m worn out, hungry, thirsty, needy … yet not motivated to do anything about anything.

i’m motivated to cut – that’s about it. naturally, that would be my reaction. it is my reaction. i can see myself doing it constantly with great detail. though, i’m not physically doing it these days … i’m mentally doing it … all the time. you’d think that’d be enough.

it’s always about trying to control the things that control me.

i am wigged out. i hope i can relax and try again tomorrow.

i will work cleaning kennels tomorrow … the animals need me. and that feels good.

Tidbits of today …

I had a pretty eventful day … lots of physical activity, thought processes, stupid ideas and silly interactions. Now I’ve taken my melatonin so I can hopefully sleep through the night … that never happens however, but I hope every night regardless.

This morning I got to clean kennels … despite the fact there is still snow on the ground, I’m fully aware spring is coming and with the first heatwave, we’ll have batches of kittens and moms surrendered and dropped off as strays left and right. I love my job and I love interacting with animals, but I’m pretty tired and a bit resentful most days … the animals pick up on that … it’s a stressful environment enough as it is. I’m worried about what my schedule will be come April, because I can’t afford to work only on Sunday. I wish I didn’t have to think that far ahead but I have to in order to make all my conflicting schedules play nice. This is a ramble … valid concern but a ramble. The end.

After work, I had class. Instead of typical classroom though, we had the opportunity to go to a horse boarding stables. Classmates and I partnered up and we caught our horse out in the pasture, put on a halter and lead rope and led them in the barn. This was only the start! First, we started with a physical exam (including rectal temperature). We also had to clean hooves with a pick, get blood from the jugular vein, administer dewormer, wrap the leg and tail, put on a nose chain, tie the horse using the correct knot, measure the horse’s height and weight … am I forgetting anything? Yea, pretty sure I am. It was a fun experience … and I passed all my competencies … I think I am most satisfied about nailing that jugular vein, even though Zanna (that was my horse’s name) was being naughty and impatient … they had to stand around while we picked on them for nearly 2 hours … it was a good time.

I rolled back into church tonight sometime around 5:30 … I was going to stay for service but I was just exhausted. I did get to present a spontaneous gift to a dear friend while I stuck around though … she’s working on so many projects and so I was glad I got to give her a silliness reminder. And I drew her a random picture. Yay art!

On my way home, thoughts of cutting surfaced again … right now, it’s just the freaking addiction withdrawls … physical cravings and chasing the high … though I don’t know for sure that if I did cave in if I really would get that temporary high … not sure what I’d feel. While driving, I decided if I was going to stay away from cutting, then I get to drink … cause I don’t have a problem with that … heh. I pulled into the liquor store lot, contemplated what I would get, and sat there for a good couple of minutes. It wasn’t long before I got frustrated with my justifying of why I could get away with drinking rather than cutting … and drove away empty handed.

So … I’m home now, and the melatonin has kicked in … I remain cut free … I’m guessing it’s been a few weeks now … (not counting damnit) … and I don’t know. It’s all good. I’m going to bed!

UnFuckingBelievable

I went to work this morning, cleaned kennels, and went home. Yay. Accomplishment.

Came home, made sure the water heater was turned up hot enough so I could take a bath. Yes, I cut. I wanted to.

Painted my nails cause I can now … because I’m not in classes. I painted them black with sparkly polish over the top.

Went to my recovery meeting … it was a good meeting for me. I spoke, more than once. And I jumped in with feedback for others at the end. I felt pretty damn proud of myself for stepping out and being vulnerable. I was honest about where I’m at in my recovery … and that being said, I’m not ready to give up cutting yet … not until I have something that’s worth replacing it.

After the meeting, we go out to Applebees and eat half price appetizers and hang out. I did that. It was only the 4 of us this time … sometimes that’s alot nicer though…

I was invited to go to the grocery store with a friend/leader from the group after we left ‘bees. I know that sounds kinda weird ..and non-exciting.. but I needed the company and I think she sensed it. I happily went along because doing stuff like that makes me happy. It makes me feel young, tagging after mom as she went around doing errands. At least, I think this is what that would have been like … I didn’t have my mom around. And it hurts me. And I crave that relationship.

I came home, only to get inside the door and be interrogated. Who was I to be going to an AA meeting and be drinking? Sometimes, I drink Mike’s hard lemonade .. or something similar. I drink one. I drink one at a time and I don’t get any residual effects from it. I just like how they taste. For one thing, it’s not an AA meeting … it’s a recovery for all addictions meeting. I go for self injury and codependency issues. But, my father and brother don’t know that. I feel like my cover has been blown … I feel like my world has been invaded … I am trapped here. I want to gash open my arms and scream in their faces. I want to show them red. I want to fucking let them know just why I go to the meetings. Cutting is my addiction. Codependency is my downfall. My addictions are not his. He has no clue and how can I explain myself now? Explain why I cut? Explain why I cope the way I do when I feel trapped here like a fucking feral? Living here day to day with them knowing isn’t possible. That’s not an option. So I get to pretend. And be called a hypocrite for going to a recovery ‘AA’ meeting.

Lovely.

You’d think that I’ll have alot to talk about in my 2nd counseling appointment tomorrow … you’d think. Bring on the blank stare and awkward stutters. Just let me curl up in a fucking ball on the floor. Shutting down. I want to be comatose.