Opportunity

Ark called and left a voicemail. They want to offer me the position I applied for after my working interview last week. I am not in the frame of mind to call them back just yet. Some concerns are floating in my mind and I want to communicate them not directly after a funeral and in the midst of increasingly uncomfortable physical grossness.
I will tomorrow.

I did however reschedule tomorrow’s interview for Banfield for next week same day. Also I found out the clinic I externed at is hiring a tech again. Go figure …

The events of today have exhausted me further. I am in bed. All I really want is Hot and Sour soup from one of my fave local places. (Or Hot and Cold soup as a certain friend likes to call it … love her.) That would bring some comfort. However, I don’t feel safe to drive … and this headache is a clue to rest … which I’ve been ignoring. Soup can wait.

I got to see a whole slew of people today that I haven’t in a long time. Hugs long overdue. Sincerely.

Every part of me just wants to stop … still.

Hope?

 

 

 

 

Hope … it has come up before in my previous entries … you can’t reach that illusive joy without hope. Wouldn’t you know that’s what the last 24 hours have been like?

It is strange to have circumstances work out in the end, yet you react completely different … you feel selfish and just plain … bad.

Excuse me, because I’ve been in a fog all day … and it’s like a rainstorm of thoughts in my brain …

The trembling has continued. I’m still trying to chalk it up as recooping from the last weekend. I also haven’t really taken Melatonin since … which is unusual for me. I’m wondering if my body is reacting to that as well.

The last 48 hours have been a struggle … I’ve been fighting to stay present. Urges to detach are great. A friend came to meet me at work to drop off my lost glove and a little present … (see photo above). I was hearing her but it was far away … distracted by the necklace attached to my glove, like I was possessed by the shiny … I was really confused what was hanging off of the glove as I knew it wasn’t a part of the glove. She was asking me something about necklaces … and I wasn’t putting it together in my head. How many times did you ask me? … 3? I am slightly embarrassed by my confusion …

I have to find a way to laugh about this … I have really been trying to seek God and the Holy Spirit … trying to understand what it really means to be in relationship. Is it no wonder that I have all these strange things happening to me in response?

I picked up my van today …

selfish

inconsiderate

ungrateful

(Disclaimer: All of the above are true by the way … in this case anyway …)

I am not sure that getting a used transmission was the correct move. However, I won’t know until something craps out again … a week from now, a month from now, maybe a couple years from now … but I have a vehicle and that sense of freedom back. I was offered a way to be able to pay for it … for that I AM incredibly grateful … but terrified.

I was also offered something else from someone that I haven’t really seen in forever … nor are we really close – typical facebook friend that you add because you knew them before somehow … (if you are reading this, don’t take offense … just sayin’.) This is something that would be incredibly valuable … given to me. All I can do is pray about it … and ask others to pray with me … I’m actually quite nervous to tell anyone face to face, but I so need the guidance and I need to see facial expressions in this case … because this stuff just doesn’t happen unless … “God told me to …”

Can you imagine if everyone listened to the “God told me to …” voice? Imagine the lives changed …

Anyway … the last couple days, have been a great test for me … seeking hard and getting knocked around. I have really been getting down on myself about every decision I’ve made since I could make important decisions … because I am almost 30, and nowhere near where I want to be. I’ve let dreams die at this point. I have to work on figuring out how those may become a reality again …

It’s a matter of believing that hope is real and possible … and it can make all the difference in your perspective. I am exhausted … but clinging to hope … I have to. But if I could literally make God appear as a person in front of me and crawl up in His lap and drift off to sleep … and be held …

I sure would.

Longing

I miss my addiction. I miss my friends. But it’s getting to the point where I am thinking more about slicing my arms up then I am missing my people. It’s backwards and I know it is. A friend came to see me today for a short period while I was working. I can’t really put into words how good that felt. I am feeling down and it’s getting harder to pull myself up. I really really miss you all.

My Day

• I worked 8-1.
• I had lunch with a new friend. I hope she had a nice time … and I’m glad I got to visit with her. It made my day.
• I did homework from 2:30ish till 5:30ish at church.
• I hung around and waited for Raiders of the Lost Arts. (It’s a knitting/crocheting group that I’ve to in the past, simply because many of my people go.)
• I visited for an hour.  (Well … kinda. I was there at least.)
• I drove home with a sense of lacking. This isn’t uncommon.
• On the way home, I listened to this song on the radio. It happened to be on, and I really like Linkin Park. I just do.

• As I was driving through downtown, I started wondering to myself … If I did decide to just do my cutting thing, my burning thing, my unsafety pin thing … etc. I wonder how long I could go without admitting it to somebody. I wonder how long I could live with the guilt. I wonder if I could somehow make myself learn to do it without feeling guilty. Do I really want to go 5 months hiding cuts and burns in various stages of healing? Do I need to spring that on someone later? And why 5 months, is that some sort of sick goal I’m holding out for myself just to see if I could last? How would my relationships change? Would they really know me well enough to know when I’m hiding? Would they say anything? It’s not worth the stress, but I want to.
• I took a shower after I got home.
• Gandolph is currently being abnoxious on my computer desk.
• And now in my lap.
• I am going to watch Grey’s Anatomy online.
• And I will take melatonin soon!! Yay. ^_^
• I’m counting down till I have to go back to Blue Sky … less than 3 days. I have alot of hours to make up …
• I guess I’m really only writing this to keep myself busy …
• Because I’m not sure how to really feel right now.
• ❤ End.

An Interesting Discovery

So, yes, the last few days have felt pretty rotten … and all I did was make more trouble for myself. I’m good at that I guess. I was talking to my good friend via Skype … and I asked her, “How do I want joy?” It’s a blunt, loaded question if I’ve ever seen one. I had to rephrase it somehow but it just made it way more confusing.

A few minutes passed with chit chat, and I brought it up again.

ME: know what my problem is?

ME: i want things to be different .. or to change … i just don’t want to change. how do i want it?

FRIEND: yep, have to want to not like what you are doing more than you don’t want to do the work…

ME: cause i only care because people want me better.. and happy …. for myself i guess, if it were just me … why would i even be here

ME: so i kinda need to hit rock bottom again ..

FRIEND: don’t have to… this could be rock bottom… keep speaking truth to yourself…

ME: do you think if i speak it long enough that i’ll believe it .. or it will mean something?

FRIEND: sort of… kind of where the guy in the bible says to Jesus, I believe – help my unbelief… do you believe the bible is true? then it is the truth… and it will replace the lies…

FRIEND: I know it is hard… and sometimes makes no sense…

You know … I had to really think about my response. I was somewhere between a confident yes and blowing it off. At least I know it was closer to a confident one and further from blowing it off.

ME: if i had total unbelief and didn’t care at all i would just tell you all to go to hell and not have a worry

ME: i think i had joy once .. maybe .. i can’t remember ME: i would think if i actually had it .. i would have made more of an effort to keep it .. and remember it..

FRIEND: maybe not… sometimes the sadness overwhelms the joy…

FRIEND: or something happens that takes it away… that is what happened to me…

I definitely have my share of things that happen. I was thinking about this and going through the years of my life … somewhat absent mindedly looking through my “Reasons Not To Relapse” box. I came across a bookmark about hope .. I think I got it from someone at my birthday lunch last May … but I don’t quite remember who. If it was you, please tell me so I can give you a hug.

 

 

 

I started typing out the words via our skype convo. I realized how much I say … I don’t dare get my hopes up about anything … it’s pretty rare that I let myself because I crash so hard if I’m disappointed. People disappearing from my life is a huge one. But it can be anything.

ME: all my people have become my gods ..

ME: really .. you all love God … but you’re not God.

FRIEND: and they will disappoint…

FRIEND: and we want to point you to God…

ME: but i just want to be the victim so you all don’t leave.

FRIEND: because none of us are the answer, but Jesus is…

FRIEND: we won’t leave when you aren’t a victim…

ME: i don’t consciouslly think that way .. but that must be what it is

ME: at least partly

FRIEND: if you are afraid that we will leave we won’t…

FRIEND: just want you healthy!

FRIEND: because we love you & want the best for you…

ME: It’s really hard to believe the first statement. I believe the next two. But not so much confidence in the first.

FRIEND: i understand…

FRIEND: time will show itself… and it’s the i believe – help my unbelief…

 

It was just a conversation I was blessed to have tonight … it’s not new information, but I really needed the refresher course. So my question really isn’t about joy anymore … it’s about finding hope. I have none. I am aware that as a Christian, my hope should be in Christ … but it’s not. I’m not exactly sure when that happened but I am just now realizing this. I am hopeless. That’s why I feel dead inside. And the dead can’t feel joy. Without hope, there is no joy … so currently, I am wasting air. And I’m not sure how to change that … I have to want hope, but then there’s fear. So many entwined feelings … seems as if I can’t have one without it being chained to another.

Mind blown.

 

Flood

My heart was abruptly reminded that today is the 10 year anniversary of Eve’s death. She was such a close friend; we were mistaken for sisters all the time. I could go on and on about how she went above and beyond. She had an immensely compassionate heart and she impacted so many lives because of it. I miss her so much. I miss her hugs especially. She didn’t mess around in that area … I don’t know who taught her how to hug, but when she hugged you, she meant it and wouldn’t let go until you knew it. She was angel set here on earth that flew home way too early.

I have so many memories of her …

I have to sleep tonight. I am grieved. My body is aching and my knees feel swollen. My right leg was throbbing earlier. 12 hours until I start my shift at my externship site … I keep wanting to turn back time …

Do you know just how much of a release cutting would bring me right now?

I guess there’s always tomorrow … if I decide I still really need to …

 

 

Confusing.

Father is in a good mood? When will it snap? He is in a good mood and it makes me want to cut. He is in a good mood so I feel like I must be in a good mood. I must respond in a cheery manner. I can’t respond … I draw a blank. He will catch on than it will tick him off. It makes me want to cut. This is a new trigger … everything is good … but it’s not good. It’s fake. I want to cut. I had dinner with a friend tonight … so needed that time. But now I want to cut and bleed. The temptation is ridiculous. I want to cut AND I’m triggered to. It’s not a need to cut … yet I’m triggered AND want it. But I can’t predict how it will make me feel after … because it’s a new trigger. Unfamiliar territory … am I triggered enough to take out the blades and simply stare at them? Or am I triggered enough to use them?

This is confusing … I feel fragmented.

Hi.

• Sunday was nice. I had a good morning at work and a fun afternoon at church.
• Sunday evening the crash hit me … reluctancy to go to sleep … after midnight I went to bed.
• I woke up Monday morning … I wasn’t hungry, I wanted nothing to do with daylight, and I didn’t want to be bothered.
• The crash was a little extreme. This bothered me. I had no ambition, no desire to care for myself, and a darkness over me. I wanted my entire basement like a tomb. I didn’t get dressed. I layed on the living room floor … staring. I eventually went back to bed … laid in bed until 530 pm.
• I had a crazy dream that I can’t recall any details now.
• Did you know that if you sleep all day your problems go away?
• Did you know that if you sleep all day your thoughts and impulses are absent?
• By 530 though, I was so physically uncomfortable I had to move. I had multiple text and voice messages to answer and at the time, wanted to ignore.
• I answered a few, took a shower … wanted to take a nap in the shower … got out, got dressed. By this time, I really hadn’t eaten for at least 24 hours … I wasn’t hungry.
• Sleeping makes your appetite go away … bonus.
• Despite my crash, I did something that I had put off multiple times … I went out with some women from Monday Night Bible Study. I barely know any of them. It is a challenge I’ve been facing for a few months.
• Walking into the restaraunt was like being splashed with acid. Truthfully, I only went cause one of my core people were there and she will be leaving in a couple days for to a far, far away place … till the middle of August.
• I went for her. I did alright, but don’t feel connected to anyone. I didn’t really feel connected at all to myself though either all day so I guess it makes sense.
• Today is …. Tuesday. I had a spontaneous lunch with a new friend. It was her first time eating sushi. I am happy I got to be the one to help cross it off her bucket list. We enjoyed ourselves.
• I had my counseling session afterward … it was productive … it was good. I have to get back on track with my homework though … I felt more comfortable this time than I normally do during the session. I really didn’t want it to end.
• I stayed after for 2 hours and worked on a new art piece I’ve been doing … mixture of sharpie and colored pencil. I continue to work on it mainly because I don’t like leaving those types of projects undone. It’s not satisfying … or distracting so much though … I don’t particularly enjoy the piece I’m working on. That is frustrating. I think it’s because I started it, intending for it to be something completely different. It is what it is. The temptation to scratch out the entire page with red sharpie is highly difficult to resist though.
• I had a touchy situation when I got home working in the garage with dad. It’s okay now. His frustration was just boiling over and he couldn’t comprehend what I was telling him. But it’s okay now … for real.
• I am sitting here now wishing I had taken melatonin or something to knock me out at a decent hour. I get to work in the morning. It is possible I will be at church some of the day tomorrow working on the art project that I have to finish … because I must torture myself finishing something that I don’t care to. I will also try to attend service tomorrow night … again.
• I also don’t want to be afraid to feel joy, simply because I’m more scared of the sudden crash that comes after. Pray for balancing of my moods. I yearn for the control again and every unhealthy way to get that back has been all too appealing.
• End.

Self Harm – 30 Day Challenge (Day 1)

Day 1: How long have you been self-harming? Discuss why you started.

OKAY. So I’ve been on here for approximately an hour. I’ve decided I’m not ready to write about this yet …

So I will talk about my day instead … ignoring other things in the back of my mind. The morning went well … worked at the shelter with two coworkers that I enjoy … and who actually DO the job correctly. (That’s really a plus when working in an animal shelter.)

I got off of work an hour later than I anticipated however … so that made me a bit anxious. I was going to meet O at church and just got to be to late. I got to meet her at the house instead … which really, was a lot less overwhelming anyway. I got to tag along while she shopped for nom noms and other things that wouldn’t taste good … like bug spray … and vaseline. Simple ordinary tasks spent with a close friend … it’s really what I most enjoy. I’m pretty low maintenance like that. 🙂

We got back to her house and unloaded the haul. I watched half-amused as she packed up camping stuff. (I can’t wait to go camping later this fall.) Before I left, we had lazy couch chat time … googly eyes … haha. Silliness mixed with just the right amount of serious. That’s one thing I really appreciate about our relationship. I eventually had to come to terms with one of the main reasons I wanted to see her though. She asked for the razor that I was to dispose of. The last time I needed to buy some for shaving I decided to get disposable ones. The one I needed to get rid of had gotten dull. I’m still at the point where I need to give them away … otherwise, they will sit in my garbage … or around the house. I hadn’t ripped this one apart yet … blades were still safely tucked away in the razor cartridge. I’m weird I guess … as far as taking razors apart, I normally will only do it after I’ve used them to their capacity for shaving. Breaking apart an unused one would be a waste of money. However, I also still have a hard time thinking of the dull razor in the garbage because there are blades that I could have popped out and lusted over … they might not be best for shaving anymore, but I still could have used them. I’m annoyed, pleased, sad and anxious for throwing the razor. I must force myself to accept it’s a good thing as horribly uncomfortable as it is. Soon after, I decided it was time to go. I half-hugged her as she hugged me like crazy. (I have to learn to hug … half-hugs were taught to me by mom. Gotta stop.) I walked away … with a tug of war in my spirit and a tiny hole in my heart. Grieving for a stupid razor tossed in the garbage from someone who truly loves me and wants to see me free. I drove home thinking about it.

The rest of the day was alright … keep remembering I don’t have school tomorrow due to memorial day. Yay. I helped dad in the yard for about an hour or two … pulled weeds, put down cedar chips, brought up a new flag on the pole, touched a bit of poison ivy but apparently I’m alright … go me. None of this really matters … I’m just rambling. It was a good day …

And now I want gelato. The end.

a setback and a victory

Last Wednesday I made an icky choice to pry open a razor. It’s the razor cartridge that I’ve not gotten rid of for weeks because of fear of letting it go. I knew that this particular off-brand of cartridge I had was really easy to take apart. Four clips on the back, pried open with a fingernail … and the blades just fall out. I wish I had never known how easy it was. I did relapse with them … a minor cut and a minor burn. You wouldn’t even know they were fresh. It’s a relapse regardless.

Thursday night, I was supposed to go to my “Living Fearless” group at church. I went a few hours early, sat and did homework … after taking a 4 hour nap at home and skipping work. The closer it got to 6:30, the more anxious I felt. My anxiety was caused from a number of things I suppose … the blades I had wrapped in toilet paper in my pocket, the quiet chaos of people milling around, the group about to start that I was so terrified to go to because of guilt … and fear of leaving angry again afterward and attacking my body … with the blades I had and was way too scared to tell anyone about. I left at 6:30 when I saw my chance … the fear was draining. The sense of hopelessness is numbing. I am still quite irritated with myself that I left. I didn’t push through the anxiety … I had more than a few people that I could have talked to … but fear kept them at a distance. And I bolted …

Friday (yesterday), I called in to work … I felt sick and tired … and I needed a mental health day. I spent 6 hours straight doing homework. I eventually texted a friend and confessed. She helped me realize that I would be doing the right thing confessing the secret. Secrets keep me sick … and they control. All I want is control … I don’t want the fear to control me … I told Jenni and O through a voice text. It was freeing in a sense … but I also felt like a dirty disappointment. I had to go to the girlfriend’s banquet at church last night … I was at Jenni’s table … it was actually a really good time and I’m glad I went. I surrendered the blades once more … I am mourning the loss again … after only having them available to me for 2 days. I guess I am grieving more because of the thoughts and temptation attached to them I had for the last 2 months … I threw away the entire razor. I won’t be buying the refills again, because I no longer have the razor.

Right now, I’m at work … the day is nice and slow … and it feels good to feel somewhat normal at this moment. I am looking forward to plans tonight with Jess. We have the same sense of humor … and a few other things in common … and we can relate to each other in ways that I haven’t often found with others. It’s comfortable. I’m very glad.

It’s good.