went to study with a plan. i went with a sleeveless tank top, hoodie over it. i went with intentions to sit in back near the door so i wasn’t in everyone’s view. i sat in back because i was going to meet a friend briefly before she headed into recovery group. my primary reason for sitting in back actually wasn’t so i could have an escape route. it was because it was the only way i felt safe staying … if i were to do what i planned to do. i was going to slip off my hoodie when i felt comfortable and try to just sit. i had toyed with the idea of doing it with someone i trusted before i dared do it in a room full of women that don’t really get me. but there wasn’t time. a little insignificant thing happened right at the start of group (i am telling myself that but it’s hard to make myself believe it) that turned my confidence upside down and shook me. lie after lie after lie raping my thoughts. before this, i had gone in with a motive … even wrote my prayer request on the white board … brought my actual bible … when the study started i pushed away the thoughts and followed along with the readings and participated. i stood in the circle and listened to the prayers being spoken aloud, including the one i requested for myself. it felt good to be able to make it through. at that point, i had started to tear up … i quietly gathered my things, put my chair away and walked out to the safety of a bathroom stall where i could let my emotions do what they wanted to. i had some time to regain control of myself and sit and visit with a young friend. at this point, i was feeling spunky again … that was a victorious sort of feeling.
i left there with intent to eat with some of the women at applebees. the more i thought about it the less desire i felt for eating. my friend had already left to go so i started believing that she’s already left … just don’t go and you’re not crying right now so you’ll be fine if you just quietly go home. she already knew i was coming … i ended up in the parking lot of the restaraunt. one tear … another … a flood cascading down my cheeks. i couldn’t stop it. eventually, i sent her a text and said not to wait up. i didn’t really know all of what to say … nothing would be good enough. the only thing i should have done was go in and eat … but i felt way out of control and it caught me by surprise cause i thought i was handling things well. i left, drove to walmart, stared at garbage bags trying to compare prices and completely overwhelming myself. just get the freaking hefties and leave. eventually i did and ended up back at applebees down the road. i had started losing it again and my friend came out to my vehicle. i didn’t want to go there twice and not have accomplished anything but i couldn’t go in either. i told her that in my snotty blubbery condition that i was so scared of losing my connections in the way that i’m used to having. she said the time would go by fast and i desperately hope she’s right. the thing i am most afraid of is not having the semi-guaranteed meeting time of my counseling appointments. i voiced my concern of slipping too far too fast … even though the time during my externship might go fast, i’m worried i might snap before then for lack of balance. that was my prayer request tonight … courage, confidence, and balance as i navigate the next 3 months.
she reminded me of the lies and and the truths. i reluctantly agreed with the truths because i’ve gone over this many times with her alone … i knew the correct answers. i knew to say yes. i’ve processed this over and over and over again. i could read over truth verses and letters written to me in my box of “reasons not to relapse”. but there’s a disconnect … i know it’s correct because i’ve been told by trusted people but the truths are not believed in my heart. i think i’ve actually just realized i don’t believe the truths. why can’t i make my heart believe them?
i have self inflicted wounds that have turned into scars over the years. it doesn’t mean i’m crazy. it doesn’t mean i want to kill myself. it doesn’t meant i’m seeking your attention if they are revealed. it doesn’t mean that i am unworthy of love or that i’m broken or an eyesore. people are going to look … they are going to stare … some will turn away in disgust. some will ask … some will remain silent … some will pretend like nothing is there. some will say nothing more than “there’s a cream for that.” some will freak out and call the cops. some will say i’m possessed and try to cast demons from me. some will disown me. some will embrace me. there are a very select few that will treat me as the person they know i am and celebrate in my victory that i trusted them enough to reveal myself.
i’ve been through it all before …
lies and truth … it feels blurred again. i need to know i’m going to survive but i don’t think i will be convinced of that for a while. until then, at least i have friends that come to my aid in parking lots when i am paralyzed with grief … thinking i will surely wither away and die. it sounds ridiculous now that i read it. i shake my head at my words.
i need to believe the truths, not just know the right answers. i need to believe …
One moment at a time. 