crash

it’s not surprising that i seem to be plummeting mood wise … i had a small victory over the weekend … it’s not surprising that i will feel spiritually attacked …

i feel myself slipping into isolation … i don’t want to. i want to be close with my friends … i want to love them and be loved and be with them …

i am trying to make a plan for thursday before i slip too far … class in the morning …

i need to be with someone.

friday i will have completely free to, cause dad was scheduled to have his surgery  for his arm … which they cancelled … again. So, now I have a day off with nothing to do …

i need to stay busy. thoughts of cutting already coming back … i don’t want it …

i didn’t have counseling today either which probably has affected my mood a bit … i did however get my MMPI test scheduled for next tuesday at 2 … directly after my counseling appointment i’ll have. i’ve done the test years ago but i’m sure my results will be different … it takes approximately 2 hours to complete. i’m not really excited or nervous for it … all i have to do is be honest and consistent with my answers … i’ll learn more about myself i guess but i’m not sure i want to in that way …

i’ve been thinking about mom alot these days. i wonder how much longer i should wait to call her … or to see if she’ll contact me. i wonder how my grandma is doing in the nursing home that i drive past everyday. we’ve never had a relationship however … she is my mom’s mom … and neither are healthy. grandma helen probably wouldn’t even know who i was … i think if i visited her, it would affect me negatively … still i wonder …

otherwise, today was alright … went by fast … i went to bible study this morning. we are reading in hebrews. i have a difficult time staying in the present and find myself slipping. i offered to read the verses today … i was proud of myself for doing that … i’m glad i got through them. i found myself zoning out as i was reading … but i did good i was told. i felt shaky and short of breath when i was done but i’m glad i got through them.

i also finished a colored pencil piece i’ve been working on off and on for months … i’m glad it’s finally done. one step closer to selecting artwork for a display … displayed … that kinda wigs me out, but i feel honored at the same time.

i wish i could keep thinking of things to write about … makes me feel less lonely … like as if i were sitting with someone face to face and saying all these things … i think my vocal cords would go into shock if i spoke this much out loud in a sitting …

the end .. for now.