Listening

Intrigued. Thanks to a friends suggestion, I’ve been listening to the bible on my phone. It is playing right now … the book of Hosea …

I listened to nearly the whole book of Isaiah in my ear buds while at work today. Fortunately, both of my jobs allow for this …

Its been interesting … I feel more unsettled than anything … my heart is stirred though. I’m not sure what to make of that.

I am considering giving mom a call tomorrow. I’m not sure if I should … if it would be good for me …. but I feel its the right thing to do. I realized since I’ve been in counseling, that I’ve hidden away anger and unforgiveness toward her … more so than I ever thought I was capable. I want to express what I think towards her … even though, I don’t have a clue what that would sound like in real words right now.

I will try to call … she may not answer … that’s okay. I have to accept the fact she is ill …. but I also need to tell her how I feel … in a way that doesn’t harm her (even though I feel like I am entitled to be mean) or trigger me and provoke more anxiety and stress. It is possible I may be able to do this at O’s tomorrow…

Safety…

What They Said.

• Drove to school this morning, so consumed in my thoughts, that I nearly rear-ended people multiple times.
• First day of class … fine … good. Tiring. Unsurprising.
• Saw archived videos from my youth group playing from 10+ years ago at church today upon entering. Many clips contained my best friend who died … threw me off.
• Bible study tonight. I very nearly didn’t go but I was trying to do the opposite of what I felt. While we were to be studying in the book of Esther – they spoke to me when it was quiet. I could hear them. “I hate the bible”, is what nearly popped out of my mouth. I’m glad I didn’t … it’s not true and it would have been embarrassing.
• Jenni noticed I didn’t have a button. She pinned one on my purse. She wouldn’t let me leave without it. “Living Fearless” is what it says. My head screamed to get away. They said “You are scared.”
• They wanted me to drive home without my lights on. Reckless … illegal … tempting and taunting.
• Called Jenni, left a voicemail, and told her what I experienced in the last couple hours because I didn’t want it all to escalate in my head.
• I felt sedated driving home … pulled … found myself closing my eyes on the road. The glare of the headlights from oncoming traffic was brutal. I wanted it to stop.
• I made it home … here I am … writing this down … getting it out of my head …
• I wonder if I can get away with sleeping all day tomorrow.

Isaiah 41:10-13

I heard the verse on the radio this morning … and it’s one I really need to take to heart … especially tomorrow. I’m freaked out about starting these classes again tomorrow … I try to tell myself it’s not gonna kill me … but when my heart feels like it will explode out of my chest, it’s hard to remember that … I want the verse to resonate in me … I just want to be calm.

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;     do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;     I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

¹¹ “All who rage against you     will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you     will be as nothing and perish. ¹² Though you search for your enemies,     you will not find them. Those who wage war against you     will be as nothing at all. ¹³ For I am the Lord your God     who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear;     I will help you.

crash

it’s not surprising that i seem to be plummeting mood wise … i had a small victory over the weekend … it’s not surprising that i will feel spiritually attacked …

i feel myself slipping into isolation … i don’t want to. i want to be close with my friends … i want to love them and be loved and be with them …

i am trying to make a plan for thursday before i slip too far … class in the morning …

i need to be with someone.

friday i will have completely free to, cause dad was scheduled to have his surgery  for his arm … which they cancelled … again. So, now I have a day off with nothing to do …

i need to stay busy. thoughts of cutting already coming back … i don’t want it …

i didn’t have counseling today either which probably has affected my mood a bit … i did however get my MMPI test scheduled for next tuesday at 2 … directly after my counseling appointment i’ll have. i’ve done the test years ago but i’m sure my results will be different … it takes approximately 2 hours to complete. i’m not really excited or nervous for it … all i have to do is be honest and consistent with my answers … i’ll learn more about myself i guess but i’m not sure i want to in that way …

i’ve been thinking about mom alot these days. i wonder how much longer i should wait to call her … or to see if she’ll contact me. i wonder how my grandma is doing in the nursing home that i drive past everyday. we’ve never had a relationship however … she is my mom’s mom … and neither are healthy. grandma helen probably wouldn’t even know who i was … i think if i visited her, it would affect me negatively … still i wonder …

otherwise, today was alright … went by fast … i went to bible study this morning. we are reading in hebrews. i have a difficult time staying in the present and find myself slipping. i offered to read the verses today … i was proud of myself for doing that … i’m glad i got through them. i found myself zoning out as i was reading … but i did good i was told. i felt shaky and short of breath when i was done but i’m glad i got through them.

i also finished a colored pencil piece i’ve been working on off and on for months … i’m glad it’s finally done. one step closer to selecting artwork for a display … displayed … that kinda wigs me out, but i feel honored at the same time.

i wish i could keep thinking of things to write about … makes me feel less lonely … like as if i were sitting with someone face to face and saying all these things … i think my vocal cords would go into shock if i spoke this much out loud in a sitting …

the end .. for now.

Day 2 … struggles/coming down.

I think this is partly because I’m exhausted, but I can feel myself going down … this is not surprising. I expected it … but I’m still drained from fighting it before and it tempts me to give up again. I don’t think I feel like harming necessarily, but I think I’m really going to have fight tooth and nail to get through the depression …

Maybe it’s because I worry about getting too “spiritually high” and something will happen at home that will completely discourage me … and make anger rise up in me. I don’t want it … I don’t want to feel that again, but I know I can’t not ever feel it again … it’s a part of life.

I know confusion isn’t of God … and I’m feeling that … and thoughts … I hate the thoughts. I don’t have any blades anymore, but I could just as easily get some … I don’t want that though. I don’t have to cut to relapse … I could just as easily smack myself around until I bruise. It’s scary feeling like your own worst enemy … the closest weapon at my disposal. I don’t want it! Curse the tangled mess of thoughts. I don’t feel like I have the strength to pray on my own … I don’t know if I can rebuke. I am scared …

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

I’ve heard the verse many times. So I know it by heart … however, I’m scared to open the bible by myself … I’m scared to do it all. The last time I did it was during reaching recovery last Monday for our reading. It was about God’s unfailing love if I remember correctly … but I couldn’t look directly at the pages for very long.

This is going to be a long process … I need the courage to ride it out … but my heart is still healing … and it’s weak.

I have so many people in my life happy that I’ve surrendered … so happy that they’ve cried. I need to keep going …

God, help me tame this beast that crawls underneath my skin …

Yesterday just feels like a dream … I want it to be my reality.