Hi.

• Sunday was nice. I had a good morning at work and a fun afternoon at church.
• Sunday evening the crash hit me … reluctancy to go to sleep … after midnight I went to bed.
• I woke up Monday morning … I wasn’t hungry, I wanted nothing to do with daylight, and I didn’t want to be bothered.
• The crash was a little extreme. This bothered me. I had no ambition, no desire to care for myself, and a darkness over me. I wanted my entire basement like a tomb. I didn’t get dressed. I layed on the living room floor … staring. I eventually went back to bed … laid in bed until 530 pm.
• I had a crazy dream that I can’t recall any details now.
• Did you know that if you sleep all day your problems go away?
• Did you know that if you sleep all day your thoughts and impulses are absent?
• By 530 though, I was so physically uncomfortable I had to move. I had multiple text and voice messages to answer and at the time, wanted to ignore.
• I answered a few, took a shower … wanted to take a nap in the shower … got out, got dressed. By this time, I really hadn’t eaten for at least 24 hours … I wasn’t hungry.
• Sleeping makes your appetite go away … bonus.
• Despite my crash, I did something that I had put off multiple times … I went out with some women from Monday Night Bible Study. I barely know any of them. It is a challenge I’ve been facing for a few months.
• Walking into the restaraunt was like being splashed with acid. Truthfully, I only went cause one of my core people were there and she will be leaving in a couple days for to a far, far away place … till the middle of August.
• I went for her. I did alright, but don’t feel connected to anyone. I didn’t really feel connected at all to myself though either all day so I guess it makes sense.
• Today is …. Tuesday. I had a spontaneous lunch with a new friend. It was her first time eating sushi. I am happy I got to be the one to help cross it off her bucket list. We enjoyed ourselves.
• I had my counseling session afterward … it was productive … it was good. I have to get back on track with my homework though … I felt more comfortable this time than I normally do during the session. I really didn’t want it to end.
• I stayed after for 2 hours and worked on a new art piece I’ve been doing … mixture of sharpie and colored pencil. I continue to work on it mainly because I don’t like leaving those types of projects undone. It’s not satisfying … or distracting so much though … I don’t particularly enjoy the piece I’m working on. That is frustrating. I think it’s because I started it, intending for it to be something completely different. It is what it is. The temptation to scratch out the entire page with red sharpie is highly difficult to resist though.
• I had a touchy situation when I got home working in the garage with dad. It’s okay now. His frustration was just boiling over and he couldn’t comprehend what I was telling him. But it’s okay now … for real.
• I am sitting here now wishing I had taken melatonin or something to knock me out at a decent hour. I get to work in the morning. It is possible I will be at church some of the day tomorrow working on the art project that I have to finish … because I must torture myself finishing something that I don’t care to. I will also try to attend service tomorrow night … again.
• I also don’t want to be afraid to feel joy, simply because I’m more scared of the sudden crash that comes after. Pray for balancing of my moods. I yearn for the control again and every unhealthy way to get that back has been all too appealing.
• End.

Tension, Froggies, and a Brisk Walk Where I Almost Died.

Disclaimer: The title includes, but is not limited to, all the events that have happened today. The following entry may also have triggering content. I have not decided yet. Also, the following entry may not include anything I mentioned in the title, because I may forget. You may proceed.

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🙂

I reluctantly let the day begin once I rolled out of bed after 9 am. I tried to push yesterday out of my memory, hoping that the reset of my thoughts would be complete and I wouldn’t struggle with triggers today. That dream was smashed rather quickly, for reasons that honestly don’t really matter now, because what’s done is done and the situation resolved itself.

I had my counseling appointment today and I did the homework from my book, “Learning to Tell Myself the Truth.” I have a Gandolph stuck to my lap, so I can’t get up and grab it, but basically the first two assignments I did were about taking a stressful situation and analyzing my every move, and the other was about internal dialog and paying extra close attention to all the things that float into your head in a 2 minute or so time span. It was a little enlightening …

The appointment ended really well. I did cry, but I asked her to pray at the end. Normally we don’t because I get myself so amped up at the end that I feel like I might lash out if I am prayed over. We talked about the homework I did during the session, which I’m glad I completed because, I’m not the greatest at doing the assignments she gives me. I talked about my fears of relapsing. The cravings have been near constant the past few days. Before I started typing this, I become acutely aware of how well I could see the blood vessels in my arm. I sat here and stretched the skin, wondering if I stuck myself with a needle, if I would get blood on the first poke. It’s a natural curiousity because I do this on cats and dogs that squirm. Would I squirm? I noticed the scars that run across the top. They weren’t deep enough to break open the vein.

I’ve now just forgotten what I was going to talk about …

I wonder how many of you actually read these random entries the entire way through. If you do, that’s amazing to me. I’m having a really difficult time paying attention to what I’m typing! I hope it makes sense.

I also did some yard work today. We have huge mature oak trees all around the house and the fall of leaves every year is overwhelming. Our backyard is also sloped so this makes it alot more exhausting to exert yourself at all. I was raking a pile of wet leaves, grass, bark, remnants of a tree that was cut down … etc. There was no easy way to do this except just to dive in and start bagging it up. As I was raking leaves into the bag, I was startled by a frog that somehow appeared on the rim of the garbage can I was tilting. I didn’t see where he came from, but I can only assume that I had inadvertantly raked him into the pail, and he decided he wasn’t having that. He sat on the rim long enough for me to analyze my discovery and take a photo. As I’m writing this, I am thinking about how nasty gross that bug infested, wet rotting leaf pile is. Yet, it sustains life. I’m sure I destroyed a nice little froggy hideaway. It reminds me though that no matter how crappy, how dirty, how ashamed, how ugly I feel … I am alive underneath. I am alive and I need to fight – not just for life, but the ability to thrive. The fact that I can sit here and realize that, proves that I haven’t given up on myself … there is beauty in the mess. There is beauty where you least expect it. That frog said “Hell no, I’m leaving.” He quite literally took a leap of faith and teetered on the edge of that pail, daring to jump because he knew on the other side was freedom. I sure as hell aren’t always that brave. This little toad has my respect. It’s a lesson I need to take to heart.

I also decided today I would take a walk … this was about an hour and a half ago now. It was peaceful, but I wasn’t sure what emotion was appropriate to feel. I was maybe listening to music that I shouldn’t have, but I felt closer to God at the same time. It was weird. I did decide to make it more interesting and attempt jogging. Oh my gosh. You would think I was a smoker. I thought I was going to pass out a block from home in the road. While I was jogging though, I was so focused on my inability to breathe, that I didn’t think about cutting. New hobby?

I am tired … another day done, and definitely not a day taken for granted.

She fell oh so gracefully.

The title really has nothing to do with anything. I heard someone say it during my lunch break … so I stole it, because it struck me as interesting … and matched my mood I suppose.

I slept about 10 hours last night. I was in bed by 9:00 … took the melatonin I did. I have been battling a headache since Thursday night … felt a little better this morning only to now deal with aches of another variety.

I am done with school until July 15th. I haven’t gotten my final grade for Anesthesiology yet, but I believe I will pass both my classes with a B. This is a cause for celebration but it hasn’t really sunk in yet that I’m done. I still feel mentally overstimulated. I figure about 3 weeks into my break I will eventually relax … only to have go back a week later and not be ready.

While I’m not in school, I am supposed to concentrate on homework assignments for counseling. I have no blades but I feel vulnerable with this time off from school. I should make sure I make plans with friends, so the act is less justifiable in my head.

I have lunch plans with O and I get to help clean her office. Who knows what treasures we will find. Maybe a fondue pot? Ha … I look forward to this.

The rain right now is ridiculous … seriously. Rain and unguarded library books are not a good combo. I’m sitting at work looking outside … it’s like a monsoon.

I would like to poke a needle into my vein. Thoughts. What if the rain was blood? What if I cut and no blood leaked out? Like slicing into a glob of fat … ugh.

I wish I could run out into the rain and be washed clean of all this yuck.

The end.

Obsessing (Possible triggers)

(May Trigger, Read With Caution.)

I am awake. I studied for 6 hours or so today. My counselling appointment was cancelled due to the head honcho not wanting to be in the office today due to the holiday weekend. I needed the appointment. It’s interesting how whenever I cancel an appointment one week … or it’s cancelled due to something that no one can control, ie. weather … there’s not an appointment the week after due to some other circumstance. I cancelled last week in order to catch up on homework … and other things … and today was cancelled. I’m convinced now that everytime this will happen. Call in sick one week, next week something oh so ridiculously inconvenient will happen. And I’m not kidding. This has happened approx. 4 times due to different things. I think I need to let it go … it’s not worth losing my sleep over … I wish I was tired because I have to be up early. Two tests … not really ready for them. Strangely, I don’t care so much.

I keep thinking bugs are crawling on me. They aren’t there every time I look or scratch the itch. They are not visibly there. But the thoughts are real. My obsessions are annoying the crap out of me. A little while ago, I lost track of time staring in the mirror … here is what I observed.

-My hair is parted funny today.
-I stood probably about 5 inches from the magnifying mirror … inspecting my face.
-I backed off when I had a memory of my mother separating her eyelashes with safety pins.
-I cleaned up my eyebrows a little bit … such a tedious irritating task. Two spots dotted with blood, very miniscule … but there.
-I lifted up my sleeves and again ran my hand over the scars. All of them. At one point, I almost counted them … but I knew I would get frustrated and lose track. So I stopped.
-Come to think of it, I think I do this just about every day … at some point.
-I noticed how I favored my left arm … much more than my right. Perhaps, that’s because my right hand is dominant.
-I noticed the cut in my lip. If I don’t quit biting it, it will never heal. For as long as I’ve been alive, I think I’ve either bit or picked at my lips. I don’t realize I’m doing it most of the time until I taste the blood.
-I noticed how my hair is getting a bit longer than I would like. I should do something about that.
-I saw more than just my present flawed self in that mirror … I saw my past and I saw my mom. I saw emptiness. I saw everything I do not want to accept.

While standing in my bathroom for what seemed like forever, I overhead a conversation between my dad and brother upstairs. I have this bad habit of listening extra close when I hear them talking in case it’s about me. They were talking about murder or something … and this lady that was all cut up. I don’t remember anything else. As soon as I heard “all cut up,” I remembered the paring knife grotesquely hacking away at my arms …. as if I wasn’t even holding on to the handle. I remember exactly how much it stung … I remember how red … I remember … but I don’t remember what triggered that exact moment. I don’t remember what I did after. I don’t know what happened to the knife. I don’t remember exactly how long it was before I told someone.

I remember cops coming over one time … I remember being driven to the psych unit to be questioned. They wouldn’t hold me because I wouldn’t admit to suicidal thoughts. I weaseled my way out of it. I don’t remember anything after …

Last night, I was looking in my old bible case. I found 3 notes written to me during my dark days when cutting and isolation was at its worst. The first was from my best friend at the time … she is now deceased. She wanted so badly to see me free … she expressed her frustration of seeing me being sucked into this black hole … and how she felt powerless. She wanted me to see and feel the love of Christ … how she felt like she failed me because she didn’t know how to help.

The second one I found was a card slid underneath the door … apparently no one was home when she came. I was also very close to this person. I was on the phone with her when the phone went dead. When I tried to call her back, the line was busy. I was going to give up, but as soon as I heard a knock on the door and dad answered it, she answered the phone. This was the visit from the cops I mentioned above. I’m not sure how long it was after (probably a few days) … but she came back and left the card for me. She had sat up most of the night and prayed for me and wrote a poem. I re-read the words last night … and all I saw were empty promises, proven by the fact that we have not been close in years … I’m not angry, just sad … and resigned to the fact, that it is what it is. I did however take a photo of the front of the card and posted it to her facebook wall … “Remember this?” … I haven’t gotten a response.

The third note was from my brother – two pieces of memo book paper stapled together. They were doused in grandma’s holy water and presented to me. I stood in my bedroom, pride broken … as I had holy water thrown in my face and watched him take my candles and whatever else it was he thought I may have been harming myself with.

I was going to bring these items to counselling today … I guess it will be next week. I did get to attend Reaching Recovery last night at least … I shared for all of 60 seconds … and it wasn’t without tears or taking notes for that 60 seconds of verbage I needed to attempt expressing clearly. If I hadn’t gone, I’m certain I would have relapsed last night … even talking for that minute was triggering and it’s good I didn’t leave immediately after.

I didn’t cut today as much as I wanted to.

It is exactly midnight. I have two major tests in 8 hours. And now I think I should sleep …

sleep and apathy.

sleep …

it’s all i think about anymore … i crave it. i think about napping … i put my head down and can feel myself slipping away … but only briefly. i am tired. my energy … is limited. i go out to places and the surroundings overwhelm … exhaust me. my brain feels empty … my eyelids threaten to flutter shut when i’m driving …

i came home after bible study this morning … i felt content leaving. i was going to come home and study and take a nap … i am awake. i never took a nap … somehow, that’s just out of reach. i cancelled counseling … last week i was agitated about the appointment being cancelled and i needed my appointment badly. looking back, i don’t remember much from last week … i feel like i black out and am still awake … disoriented but awake. zombified. i am content … am i? am i contently depressed? am i depressed at all? i think i am just tired …

i managed to finish my research paper and presentation for thursday. i have finals next week … new classes start on April 1st. more classes … starting at the beginning … so close and yet, so far. i should be studying for a quiz tomorrow … should be studying how take radiographs of a fetlock … so when i go to the field trip site tomorrow, i don’t get kicked in the face. maybe then i’d sleep …

apathy suits me. it’s too exhausting to feel anything else. temptation to harm has been high … but i won’t get anything from it. i can’t be bothered …

i still don’t think i’m depressed. i’m not anxious. i’m tired of reaching … all i want is to sleep. is that so wrong?

 

I want to be right.

Ugh.

Temptations … I want to give in, but I know I can’t. I want it to be okay but I know it’s not.

I’m not okay … I just want to sleep and isolate. But that isn’t realistic.

I had counseling today. I almost skipped out. But I guess the hour was productive …

I have 3 homework assignments …

1. I have to talk to at least 2 women in my network about something … something that I don’t want to be honest about because I don’t want to think of myself in this way … makes me feel icky inside. Yea, that’s vague, but I haven’t decided who I’m going to talk to yet …

2. I have to put all my notes, letters, verses etc into a binder … so I have them all in one place and accessible …

3. Read the book of Philippians.

This is dumb. Not the assignments … just life in general. Choices –> consequences –> heartache –> endless cycle of shit.

Why does it have to be an endless cycle though? Why does a stupid blade or ritual have to be creeping under every wave of brain activity? Will it ever not be a coping reflex? I haven’t cut in a while. Yea, that’s vague too … I’m not counting. I won’t even venture a guess to how many days … weeks … or whatever. I remember the last place I cut. I remember how it felt before, after, and during. I know how I feel about it now … but that doesn’t take away the craving.

I worked last Sunday cleaning kennels. This particular young cat is very scared so you have to be very aware of her body language and go slow and keep calm. When I was putting her back in her kennel, I thought I was in the all clear … but she got me at the last minute. 2 nasty gouges in my palm and 3 in my forearm. It happened quickly and stung and bled. Once I got over the initial shock and cursing … I was pleased how it made me feel. I got to feel the sting of a cut … or two … or three and see the blood … and I didn’t have to feel guilty about making a choice. I guess it was a mental relapse – relief without the guilt …

I am tired of having to continuously consciously make a choice to not cut. I need to start provoking more cats.

Pfft.

The bottle lies empty in the sink.

As quick as they came …

***

I am stubborn.

I am not ready to change.

I want to change.

But I’m not willing to make the time to do it

…

or make it a priority.

*

I am afraid of change.

I am afraid that if I get better

…

my relationships will change.

The affection will stop.

*

This is manipulative.

I don’t mean it

…

really I don’t.

*

It is wrong for me to feel this way.

It is wrong that I don’t want this bad enough.

*

I thought because I’m not cutting

…

that I’m all good.

Everything is fine.

It does not matter that I am not cutting.

I must still hold on to the blades

…

because,

whatever makes me want to cut must still be in there.

I still hold on to the blades just in case.

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My sick security

…

*

Am I gaining anything from what I am doing now?

How is the way I’m living helping me?

What could be so attractive about this that I want to remain here?

This is the question I am to come up with an answer for next week.

*

I already know the answer.

My pride is a stumbling block.

I can justify it.

…

No I can’t.

*

I am damaging to myself.

I will damage the relationships I have

…

taking away and never giving back.

*

Something has got to give.

I need to let go.

… they went.

my session

• counseling today was fine …
• i didn’t feel …
• she told me a few times that we could end the session early if i didn’t want to talk.
• it wasn’t so much that i didn’t want to … but i had nothing in my head … not a single thought.
• i was silent until she asked me questions … and my answers were short …
• she asked me how long i’ve been feeling like this … a couple days … a few … maybe …
• i felt sedated. i felt as if i could dissipate into the air.
• to anyone looking at me, i may have looked depressed … but i wasn’t … not in the slightest. not anything.
• i felt at peace curled up in my chair with the pillow … staring and answering at my leisure …
• the hour felt long … but not uncomfortable so much … not anything.
• i was somewhat content in my numbing …
• i asked for a hug anyway in attempts to feel something, but i did not … failed experiment.
• she asked me if i felt an unhealthy attachment to my strong emotions and mood swings … and maybe i wasn’t numb now, maybe this was just ‘normal’ … tapering off …
• how would i know what was an unhealthy attachment …? the moods are a norm for me … how can i be attached to something that’s just what it is …?
• i’ve had normal days … but nothing like this … this frozen feeling … for 3 days … this wasn’t quite like anything i’ve had before.
• she wants me to look into extra help … and ask about financial assistance for it …
• she feels inadequate? …
• i felt hopeless …
• that made my anxiety rise up … along with another emotion that i just call “weird” … cause i don’t know what it is.
• 2.5 hours later now … i don’t know what it is.
• i’m not isolating in a destructive way… but i just feel better away from everyone i think for the moment.
• like, maybe if i don’t see anyone for a while … i will appreciate their presence and miss them and feel again.
• maybe all this weirdness will go away and i’ll feel functional again soon.
• …
• ..
• .
• ❤

Confusing impulses and emotions.

I think I want to cut. The thought really isn’t defined in my head why. I’m not sure if I do want to cut or if I want something else?

Today, I woke up groggy … most likely due to lack of sleep nights prior and taking melatonin before I went to bed. I was laying there half-comatose with my eyes open. Not completely aware of what was happening … I woke up and automatically cutting wormed its way into my thoughts. I laid there feeling somewhat paralyzed with exhaustion and my mind going but I didn’t have the energy to snap myself out of it.

“Good morning sunshine! Work today right?” The text message alert interrupted my thoughts. I didn’t even realize what I was thinking until my attention was grabbed by something else. Envisioning my skin splitting apart with neat little incisions … and blood dripping … carefully sopped up with toilet paper to keep it from hitting the carpet. And rolls of gauze which I didn’t actually buy at the store yesterday …

Hmm … but I went to church to study homework. I focus best when I’m not at home … my church is peaceful and comforting to go to. Based on what I woke up thinking about, I decided I’d take the blade I relapsed with a couple nights ago to church and give it away. It was okay … it felt comfortable. I’ll get rid of the others again eventually, but it’s a process. I am still getting used to the idea of having them and I’m not ready to let them go right away. But I got rid of the one I used … I get attached to the ones I use after I know they work efficiently. It makes it hard to let them go. On to homework …

When I needed an hour long break from my 15 minutes of doing homework … I hung out with the son of a friend of mine and acted silly – played games on the Ipad, took videos in the dark about creepers and minecraft spiders, jumped out at Robin from behind her office door … that was great fun. I think she really appreciated that. Bahaha! If anything she probably appreciated the fact that I got a thrill out of it and was distracted … at least that’s what I like to think! 🙂

After a bit of goofing off, I decided to go back and work on some notecards again. About 12:30 or so, I had this strong temptation to leave and not say anything. I kept seeing myself throwing all my crap into my bags and literally running out the door – running like I’d just robbed a bank and had this rush that I was getting away with something. Not surprisingly, right as I was almost done packing up, Jenni comes strolling out … plan foiled. Now she saw me. I’d have to wait around till she came back and give a proper goodbye. This isn’t a bad thing … I love her like crazy and miss her when I don’t get to see her for a day. Why would I want to run away? But we had our hug and I left and I didn’t not enjoy it.

On my way to my next destination … it’s a good feeling when you don’t get to go visit someone as often as you used to, yet their house still feels like home and you can lay on the couch with your legs dangling off the end, butt halfway elevated … yea, comfy. It was a good visit. I ate actual meals and sat down at the table and hung out and played legos … typical family stuff. I’m part of her family … it’s good stuff. I left late, after my recovery group had started and ended up back at church.

I went in to my meeting, gave a brief bullet point presentation about where I was at, and the meeting was done. I’m short and sweet … usually the last to share. This is mainly because thoughts get so jumbled in my head that I sit there trying to make sense of them, all the while having trouble paying attention to those speaking. By the time everyone is looking at me to speak, I’ve forgotten everything because I didn’t realize everyone else had finished. Sometimes I wonder why I go … not sure I gain anything from it most days. I know I would miss it if I didn’t though.

Meeting over – went out to sit in the lobby and my buddy who I tried to bolt on earlier that day came out. While she was busy trying to figure out retreat stuff, my brain went a different direction very quickly. Pizza cutter. I wanted a pizza cutter. What kind of damage would a stupid pizza cutter do? I didn’t know but I wanted to find out. It was just very bizarre, but not surprising. Intrusive thoughts after giving up one of my precious blades … yea, that’s not new.

I went out to eat afterwards with the group but I didn’t order anything … just picked off peoples plates when it was offered to me. That’s how we roll. Near the end, I started feeling weird … that feeling that you can’t place … a somewhat nostalgic feeling, bittersweet and slightly anxious. Wanting to leave but not wanting to let go of those around you. This feeling accompanied me on the van ride home.

I got inside the house, shielded from the nasty cold outside. I felt like cutting. I wasn’t triggered. The day was nice … filled with love and comfort. Yet, I didn’t know what I felt now. I came downstairs and my brain was like … hey, this feeling is weird and you don’t like it because you’re not sure exactly what it is. Why not cut? Than you know what you’ll feel … likely a bit of excitement, then shame and a little regret but you’ll get over it. Cut so you can reset your brain and process emotions properly. This is what you need to do.

I realized this … which I suppose is why I’m writing. I’m supposed to go to a bible study in the morning than have counseling almost immediately after that. I might skip the study … but I’m not sure. It’s late and I don’t know how well I’ll sleep tonight. I haven’t done my homework for counseling either … sigh.

This last week was very draining though … I don’t want to process any more. I want to just be.

Life doesn’t have time for that, so I’m just going to have to do my best to keep up.

Day 5 …Thought processes

My brain is on so many different wave lengths … so I’ll try not to confuse anybody.

I kept myself busy today … cleaned kennels this morning, picked up my meds, visited my best friend while she’s in town … checked on a coworkers foster kitty twice and checked on a house from another close friend who is out of town. The whole day feels like a blur … I’m glad I was busy. Keeping busy helps with temptations … until you get home and you realize the thought of cutting is creeping in the corners of your mind waiting to attack. I suppose this isn’t surprising … I’m only on day 5. Considering the few years I was free of it, it did cross my mind as a fleeting thought at least a couple hundred times … as quick as they came it went away. Perhaps, I’ll find some freedom to the point it won’t even cross my mind at all … but that’s far in the future and I’m not going to worry about it right now.

This afternoon I went to check on things at a friend’s house while she’s gone … water the tree, check the thermostat, get the mail … etc. Really, they are things that aren’t dire … but she allowed me an “out” in case things get too stressful at home … to give me a safe place to be. I truly appreciate my safe places. So I got there and walked in … the atmosphere gives you a sense of peace. It’s a busy household, well loved, with encouraging notes everywhere … pictures from the kids and photos of the family … the chair where she knits out of love for her friends and family … a daily to-do list for her kids … I smiled pretty big when I noticed it. I will admit, I wandered around for a little bit admiring … just the love that’s poured into the environment. I don’t get that at my home … it’s dark and depressing and filled with a lot of resentment and temptations to cope with it by self harming. I didn’t want to cut in her house today (not that I would, but I think ya all know what I mean.) … I don’t even know if I thought about it. For a good long while before I had to head to church, I sat in the middle of her living room floor … trying to be still … and be thankful … and try to put a dent in and weaken my mental walls. I listened to “You are for me” (see video on previous post) more than once … I sang it out loud. I couldn’t cry … but I wanted to. I wanted to pour my heart out and I wanted God to break me again. I could picture myself sitting there, everyday, feeling like I could become close to Him again. I think I’ve started surrendering every day … I’m trying not to believe the lies … the lies that I’ve actually distinguished as lies … every day is a struggle though … sometimes it’s the same lie over and over again and I forget that it’s wrong …

I took my time meandering my way to the door to leave. If I had the love growing up that I see there … I wouldn’t be “me” … who would I be? The experiences I had were not healthy and downright abusive, but I’ve learned to appreciate and really truly value my time with others now … more than I ever have. He sets the lonely in families …

I attended the Christmas Eve candlelight service at church … it was kinda weird … being back in the sanctuary … I really desperately need to get back. I need to start making Wednesday night service a priority, since I can’t get there on Sundays. Anyway, so I got to sit between two good friends … made it more difficult to escape. It felt good and safe to be between the both of them … especially during worship time … it’s hard for me to sing anymore in that setting, but I’m sure I’ll reach that point to where it will be okay again … where my arms won’t be twisted behind my back in rebellion … where I’ll be able to breathe … where my body won’t tense than all of a sudden want to bolt and hide … where my mind will not think of completely inappropriate things … the whole experience can be quite painful actually. Tonight, it wasn’t so severe … I’m glad …

I remember at some point of the service, there was talk of darkness and light … and darkness cannot overwhelm the light. This was very triggering and frustrating for me. I kept thinking … what if you were me? Feeling like two seperate entities … split down the middle. Darkness. Light. I can’t have both … but I am both. I can’t understand. There are times that I’ve cut myself while singing along to worship music … I haven’t done this recently … this was years ago. How can an ordinary person do something like that? I’m just different … not right. There’s darkness. There’s light. There’s me trying to fight them both off yet embrace them … I don’t understand it … I want them to just get along and quit fighting…

After service, I got the hug I denied myself yesterday … I saw O before the service and chatted with her, but now that I think about it … I remember holding my coat in such a way that maybe I was guarding myself. It was weird being there for a service with people everywhere … hugging and being joyful in the season, so I must have gotten a little too uncomfortable for that. I did see her after the service though … and I mentioned that I didn’t think we had properly hugged yet … I’m glad I said something, so then I ended up with two in a row. 🙂 … I love being hugged when I allow it. Have I mentioned that? Heh …

I drove home … thinking about all the different changes that have happened in the past couple months … stopping classes, therapy, medications, ‘my anger phase’, etc. I’ve been trying to be more conscious of how I treat others … specifically my father and brother … because of my own resentments toward them (which I need to work through) I end up being really a not very nice person … mostly in passive aggressive terms. I’ve become cold and insensitive to the two of them. I play a part in this household to … and I can’t blame them for feeling the way I do …

I entered the house, praying for no conflicts … it was good … dad was busy putting ads together for the local paper that we deliver to try and make ends meet. I saw my mail laying on the top of my stairs … 1 doctor visit bill, 1 statement from health insurance, and a thick envelope containing my class schedule and loan info from school … ironic that all of it came at once … I have to make it all fit in my life again. Classes and homework … both work schedules … therapy … bible study … I have to make it all work together … cause I can’t live without any of it … if I quit one thing, another will suffer … I need to especially make my support system a priority. If I don’t have them, I can’t do any of this other stuff … I’m finally starting to make a little progress … I need them now more than ever … no exceptions.

I had more stuff … but I suppose I’ve rambled on long enough … and I’m not gonna bother checking for errors … because I’m so just done and I’m already lacking sleep!

5 days free.

Goodnight and Merry Christmas. ❤