Ugh.
Temptations … I want to give in, but I know I can’t. I want it to be okay but I know it’s not.
I’m not okay … I just want to sleep and isolate. But that isn’t realistic.
I had counseling today. I almost skipped out. But I guess the hour was productive …
I have 3 homework assignments …
1. I have to talk to at least 2 women in my network about something … something that I don’t want to be honest about because I don’t want to think of myself in this way … makes me feel icky inside. Yea, that’s vague, but I haven’t decided who I’m going to talk to yet …
2. I have to put all my notes, letters, verses etc into a binder … so I have them all in one place and accessible …
3. Read the book of Philippians.
This is dumb. Not the assignments … just life in general. Choices –> consequences –> heartache –> endless cycle of shit.
Why does it have to be an endless cycle though? Why does a stupid blade or ritual have to be creeping under every wave of brain activity? Will it ever not be a coping reflex? I haven’t cut in a while. Yea, that’s vague too … I’m not counting. I won’t even venture a guess to how many days … weeks … or whatever. I remember the last place I cut. I remember how it felt before, after, and during. I know how I feel about it now … but that doesn’t take away the craving.
I worked last Sunday cleaning kennels. This particular young cat is very scared so you have to be very aware of her body language and go slow and keep calm. When I was putting her back in her kennel, I thought I was in the all clear … but she got me at the last minute. 2 nasty gouges in my palm and 3 in my forearm. It happened quickly and stung and bled. Once I got over the initial shock and cursing … I was pleased how it made me feel. I got to feel the sting of a cut … or two … or three and see the blood … and I didn’t have to feel guilty about making a choice. I guess it was a mental relapse – relief without the guilt …
I am tired of having to continuously consciously make a choice to not cut. I need to start provoking more cats.
Pfft.
One moment at a time. 