So, I had an exceptionally bad night last night … but made it through. 24 hours ago, I was jonesin’ to cut myself. I couldn’t think clearly. It was consuming my thoughts. With the house fixing we’ve been doing, there are alot of tools around. There are blades and utility knives in my space, ones that I didn’t choose to be there. I kind of feel outnumbered. To try and get away from it all, I decided to go help dad in the garage and that’s when I noticed a brand new, unopened box of 100 … yes, 100 … utility knife blades in a handy little dispenser. This was more than I could bear, and had they not been unopened, I would have stolen a few. Dad doesn’t have a clue about how much of a struggle this is for me still, and with my brother to worry about, I don’t want to add to his anxiety. I also don’t want accountability in that form.
I am somewhat relieved to say that the thoughts today are not as out of control. I was able to stay on the phone with my sweet friend until 11:00 or so last night … I think it was maybe an hour and a half of me feeling comfortable enough to just spew whatever thought overloaded my brain.
Today, I ran errands, which included visiting that same friend and helping her out a bit. She thinks I’m crazy, but even with the tasks I was doing, I said, “This may sound crazy, but there is really no other place I’d rather be.” She confirmed my crazy … and we laughed. I am truly happy in those times. There is something about the give and take of a relationship, the hard phone calls in vulnerable moments … and the moment you get to see the person after and they know that you made it through. I am thankful when people know that I’m okay … and have enough faith in me to know I will get past an obstacle, but also know when to intervene if I’m waivering.
So despite the hell I’ve gone through in the last 24 hours, I made it. And that is the here and now. And despite the gut-gnawing pain I’ve had the past few days, I have hope it will pass. I’ve chalked it up to anxiety … and I’m tired of it.
God, thank you for my chosen family, my people. They reveal your presence when I cannot see you.