Stuff

I would like to lose approximately 20 pounds. No I’m not kidding.

I have my exam in 2 days.

I am tired. I want to indulge in many behaviors.

Thankfully, my reckless impulsiveness has somewhat gone away. The thrill went away when I nearly got myself and many others into an accident a few days ago. I scared myself intensely.

Still self-injury clean.

And bored. Busy … but simply bored.

Sleep

Yesterday night, sleep was fitful and erratic … even after taking melatonin. I guess the days events did not help.

Work felt long today, but not bad. I have to leave for the volunteer banquet in 20 minutes. It goes from 7 until 9 pm. This kind of stresses me out, because I take melatonin at 8:30 or so … I have to bring it with me and take it there before I leave … and possibly leave early if I get too drowsy quickly.

I don’t allow myself to do many things after a certain time, especially when I have to work the next day. Melatonin allows me to fall asleep (usually). I can’t take it past a certain time or I am too groggy the next morning.

I wish I could count on the peace of God to make me fall asleep. I don’t want to take a drug. Rare is the night that I can turn in without feeling the need for a drug to force me. I tell myself, at least it’s natural … at least it’s not a prescription. It’s 3 mg of melatonin. But I am dependent on it. I’m scared without it. Sometimes I wonder what it will happen if I take 2 of those 3 mg tablets, or 3 or 4 …

That would be an experiment I guess for another night when I don’t have to be anywhere the next morning. The thought bothers me.

If I went to this function tonight and stayed till 9 or later, and didn’t take my supplement … I would be a mess tomorrow. At least that’s what I tell myself … maybe it’s not true, but prior experience tells me otherwise. Hell, whether I take it or not I feel exhausted at some point during the day anyway!

Sleep is overrated. I guess I’m gonna bring it with and see how the night goes …

For Those

For those are suspicious, no I have not relapsed. It has probably been 6 months if not more. In fact, the other day I managed to throw out the old razor and replace it with a fresh one. I did not dismantle the old one prior to discarding. Stayed strong, but still tempted. I am also very tempted to resume isolating. But tomorrow, I plan to go to a volunteer appreciation banquet. Though I am anxious, I still will try. Thanks for praying. You can put your worries to rest.

Love is …

Love is chit chatting over a favorite restaurant meal.

Love is agonizing over which scrabble word to play … when you have all vowels … and your partner waits patiently because it’s time well spent.

Love is sharing a bowl of jelly belly beans and picking the most awesome flavors (In my opinion, juicy pear and tutti fruiti.)

Love is trusting another person well enough to know they’ll be honest with you … even if it’s something you don’t want to hear. Love is also respecting the person in return to ask how they are processing that information.

Love is being quiet. Love is time.

Love is taking time to watch a movie.

Love is changing your mind to instead sit on the couch next to your friend and elbow them during the funny parts of said movie.

Love isn’t about gift giving, but the thought behind the gift … like a giant bottle of fish oil capsules given to coat the neurotransmitters in the brain in hopes that maybe I won’t feel as sad and can concentrate a little easier.

Love isn’t about giving a hoodie … but man, do I like when I get one. (Let’s be honest.) It’s like a hug all the time because it smells familiar.

I have been in a state of isolation the last week, aside from my time at work. It has pained me and scared me because the longer I go without a hug or a smile or a chat from a friend, I grow uncomfortably comfortable. The thoughts brew. I believe lies. I stare at my broken razor. I sleep. I sit in the dark. I eat junk food out of boredom and depression. I don’t eat. I don’t go out of the house. Life becomes a waste.

… It broke today. I made myself do errands. I spent time with a friend … much needed time, as documented above.

Tomorrow, I have a dentist appointment to get a cavity fixed. It will get me out of the house. Maybe I will end up at church after. Maybe I will go home with intent to isolate … or maybe just to rest or study. Maybe …

Maybe I can’t worry about every day and what failures or victories it may bring. Maybe that’s the most destructive behavior of them all, and the one I am most excellent at.

Can I just be?

I am home now. I am home now writing this … not hiding, but sharing … and letting myself be loved today.

The Drowning

I could feel my heart pulse in my ears as I went under. My hair submerged … flowing effortlessly …

It was effortless …

Relax into it. It’s the only thing not complicated.

What would it be like to see God? To see … to know …

Would I fight it? Would I have regrets in that moment? What if it was an accident? What if it was purposeful?

image

I had so many words … now I have none that would make sense enough.

I am floundering.

Feeling Transparent and Random

Will I ever get married?

Will I ever be in a real relationship with the possibility of getting married?

I am nearing 30 and have never had that. I wonder why. Is it because I’ve never been one to pursue anybody or flirt? Am I not attractive? Do I come off as … you name it, I’m wondering it.

I would like to have a future someday with a husband … maybe. At least I think I do. Maybe I’m more resigned to not having that. Maybe it’s easier to deal with that way.

Will the future kids (whoever they may be) that I hope to adopt … not get me as their mom because I don’t want to raise them alone?

Subject change:

I shaved my legs tonight. No accidental cuts. The scars are no longer hidden. I’m going to have to try and dispose of the razor soon … I hate doing it. Ha, I shaved my legs … I must be getting spring fever …

My VTNE is April 7th. If I pass, that’s great … if I don’t, well it’s because I slacked too much after graduating. Letting it stress me out really isn’t going to help the matter at all. It might help if I make a dry run to the test center just to make sure I know where I’m going the day of the test. I may not be entirely sure about my future in this career field but at least I’m still taking the test … I have to …

Looking forward to friend time next week. So many other things I should be doing though on my days off … balance please …

I am pretty tired … 

Neh.

Wanting (trigger)

I want to stay accountable. My body wants me to cut. My mind says I should not relapse. My heart is telling me that my people love me deep down but don’t want to see me fall. I am scared of thinking about this without action too much longer because I’m afraid that any relapse will be worse than it needs to be. You can deny it all you want but I know hearing this gets old. I don’t know what else to do. I feel distant from those I love and I don’t know how to regain healthy balance again.  I guess this is a last ditch effort. I don’t want to relapse but I want to cut. Apparently I am realizing there is a difference. I miss the physical sting and the warmth of the blood coming down my arm. I miss the healing of the cuts. I miss nursing them. I miss picking away the dead skin as they heal. I miss the feeling of euphoria mixed with pride and terror when I cut a little deeper then I intended to. I have not perfected my craft and apparently I am disappointed in myself for it. I gave up before I got it right.

If I can’t cut, then I need God to take this from me because I don’t think I can hold out much longer.