I can get through this …

I am having an extremely difficult time practicing grace and kindness currently. It is sending my anger straight up through the roof. I really need to talk to someone. Tired of being made to feel “lesser than” in every single aspect of my life and expected to go along with it. God, I really need your help here. I need to cry and can’t. Anger. This is an unsafe emotion for me … I am vulnerable. I want to cut!

… But I strongly do not want to.

A song to share

The song I’m sharing below is in my heart tonight. It has helped me to calm me down in the midst of intense feelings. It has renewed hope when I’ve given up. It has lulled me to sleep. It has broken me to surrender … again and again. Not much else to say … just wanted to share. Maybe it can minister to someone else out there …

(Email friends, you will have to click through to my wordpress site to see/listen to the song.)

Toxic thoughts rollin’ in

I can only assume it’s a toxic thought, but maybe everyone struggles with this at some point …

Is there anything so bad I could do to make you stop loving me?

Where did that come from? Am I putting up a wall? I don’t know why the question popped into my head, but I really want an answer.

Mom’s been leaving messages over the past couple days. Is it because of that? Am I afraid of people leaving? Well of course, that’s always been an issue … is it stronger now for some reason?

I’ve also been thinking about of the people close to me, older than me … what it will be like when they leave, in all likelihood dying before me due to age … and me having to cope with them gone. I’d rather be the one to go first … selfish. I think about my grandma (mom’s mom) who is in a nursing home only a few miles away … and I have no relationship with her. It eats at my heart.

Long day, endless accompanying thoughts.

It Just Is

Relapse is relapse; It doesn’t matter how big or how small … the depth is immeasurable. The moment is just as significant. All the resulting emotions of relief, guilt, shame, numbness come back full circle just the same. I tried to convince myself otherwise. To say I’ve been struggling is an understatement.

That’s really all there is to say … I have no inspired messages of hope to offer. Believe me, I wish I did. But I’m not there currently. I hope to find my way back soon.

Until then … xoxoxo.

Upstairs, downstairs

“Hey, will you look in your room and tell me if there is pack of razorblades in there? They’re new and the container is black.”

” … Yea, I know … the pack of 100 … “

“I can’t find them anywhere!”

“No, they aren’t down here … and if they were I wouldn’t keep them down here …”

“Why?”

“Cause they’re triggering …”

Why would you wanna do that? You’re 30 years old.”

……

“Don’t tell me that. I have enough to worry about.”

Hmm, last I heard, addiction doesn’t give a shit how old you are. Guess that about sums up that conversation. I don’t even know how to process what just happened. It wasn’t planned. I feel small.

And I wish the blades were in my room.