I really don’t know what to title my posts anymore.

I gave up the 4 blades I was stockpiling the last month. As usual, I feel that tiny sense of loss and numbness … but not as bad as previous times. Meh. Feelings … silly thoughts and mixed up feelings and mixed up thoughts and silly feelings. Inconvenient. Numbness too. 

There is a cat in my lap. His name is Gandolph. He gives me lots of feels. Good feels. Everyone should have a Gandolph.

I have to give Ark an answer by Friday … it is possible it just a gateway opportunity and maybe I should treat it as such. I was reminded no position will be perfect … or permanent for that matter. The environment would be a great pace … a good beginner tech job … I’m sure I’ll love it for what it is. If I had nothing else on the line, I’d take it without hesitation at this point. Ark knows where I stand … I was clear I’m sure. They know my concerns. It’s not ideal but if I give notice and quit for a better position soon after being hired, it shouldn’t leave a bad taste in anyone’s mouth. It is my reality … nothing is permanent. 

Wow, that is something I really need to realize for many aspects of my life … nothing is permanent. Nothing has to be …

I think I’ve so easily resigned to the thought that my decisions are final. This leaves me with a great big HMMMM

Opportunity

Ark called and left a voicemail. They want to offer me the position I applied for after my working interview last week. I am not in the frame of mind to call them back just yet. Some concerns are floating in my mind and I want to communicate them not directly after a funeral and in the midst of increasingly uncomfortable physical grossness.
I will tomorrow.

I did however reschedule tomorrow’s interview for Banfield for next week same day. Also I found out the clinic I externed at is hiring a tech again. Go figure …

The events of today have exhausted me further. I am in bed. All I really want is Hot and Sour soup from one of my fave local places. (Or Hot and Cold soup as a certain friend likes to call it … love her.) That would bring some comfort. However, I don’t feel safe to drive … and this headache is a clue to rest … which I’ve been ignoring. Soup can wait.

I got to see a whole slew of people today that I haven’t in a long time. Hugs long overdue. Sincerely.

Every part of me just wants to stop … still.

Communication will go a LONG way … if you actually SAY what you MEAN. I’m not a mind reader. You only have yourself to blame for not getting the results you wanted!! I am fully capable of following instruction and doing well. 

Man, am I feeling tested and tempted. Irate … inner boiling anger ready to burn.

It does not help that I am sick. Gag-on-my-own-mucus sick. But that’s not allowed. That makes it all worse.

I just want to sleep. I want to sleep for days.

I don’t want to go to my friend’s funeral. I do not want to go to this interview. I do not want to have dinner with a friend on Wednesday. I do not want to hear the noise. 

Is silence and stillness too much to ask for? 

Dating.

Maybe I’ve never put myself out there… maybe I have the calling for adoption for a reason other than I really really want to. Maybe its my only option … because maybe I am called to be single. I am 30. Age is a number sure, but I’ve never had a boyfriend that I can physically touch. Why is that? I am not getting younger. I am a 30 year old single female with 2 cats and a hermit crab. My protective semi-disabled dad lives with me … in a house I own but don’t want because I feel resentful and trapped. That’s attractive right?

I just wonder why. Why am I me in this place and time? Will this ever change?

Please pray for my future mate. I am ready for a change in this monotony. He must love animals and kids that he can cherish and accept as his own … assuming one day I will get to be blessed enough to adopt. And of course, I hope someone with a heart of that quality will love Jesus as well.

I am not perfect … but I just want to hope that there is more for me … ya know?

Watched the show “It Takes a Church.” It inspired this posting. All this stuff has been on my mind … for a very long time. I’ve never asked for prayer about it. I am asking now.

Do unto others

Every day I don’t cut is a reason to be thankful. I may not feel this way tomorrow … or the next … or hell, even an hour from now. I mean look at my track record right?

Walmart is not even on my top ten list of fave places. It triggers, it irritates, it’s crowded, the parking lot makes me want to engage in a brutal game of bumper cars … etc. Tonight, I had to go. While I had a good and more or less peaceful day today … I was still tired and wanted to get out of the store quickly.

Cutting is in the back of my mind constantly. It is often hard to shift the focus onto other tasks or people some times, even on decent days. Tonight, while exiting the store, it crossed my mind … there are people all around you, you don’t have to be stuck in your own head … everyone has issues. Be the blessing.

So maybe it didn’t exactly sound like that in the moment, but rather my interpretation looking back on it. There was an elderly lady who had 4 bags of groceries. She was preparing to load them into the car just in front of the door while her husband sat in the driver seat. I offered to help … she graciously accepted. I walked to my car.

I loaded my own things up, and I couldn’t help but notice a lady. She was parked across from me. I mustered up some courage and walked over offering help. She had a very full cart with probably 15 bags. She looked like the type that just needed someone to be mad at. I expected a rude or hostile response. Instead I was met with shock, smiles, and a friendly chat.

Why are you so nice?! You just don’t know how much I appreciate this. I love your toenails. I’m gonna make my husband unload them when I get home!

It was a sweet experience. Every day I want to cut or lash out in some way, I will try to remember that it’s not just me fighting to survive every day life. One small thing done for somebody else can be the difference. “Why are you so nice?!” Seriously … why not? We just expect people to be rude, uncaring, self centered … and the list goes on. Why not prove people wrong? It might not be a life changing event for anyone … but it’s a start to bless their day … and it’s a good reminder to reach out beyond yourself if you need to change perspective.

Maybe if I do something kind every day for someone else, I’ll better learn to appreciate what I have …

It’s a thought anyway. I guess I’ll see what tomorrow offers me.

words

not surprising … 3 days of stress. unavoidable, over the top, causing my brain to go blank and literally faultering my steps. it affects me mentally, emotionally, and very much physically. i haven’t had a string of days like this in a while. it is not surprising that because i have 4 blades at my disposal ( … yes, i caved.) sitting in my bathroom cabinet in a cheap travel size bottle, i will have very bad days to follow. seems this has happened exactly this way before … like breaking open the razor has cursed me … and the cuts would be inevitable. countless triggers today. some were to be expected … others caught me by surprise … uncomfortable surprise … like uncomfortable having to wait it out because you can’t say anything or acknowledge it surprise. naturally, i am fully aware … that i have blades. i don’t remember the last time i had any. and i am fighting just as hard to not let them go like last time. i am okay that they are in my cabinet. i am okay that they are in an unsuspecting travel bottle. i am okay … so is writing about it okay? my mind is way tired … i was excited … thrilled even to be able to come home and open my new bottle of melatonin. but it’s now just past 10 pm … i need a shower. i feel gross. thinking about the blades and the melatonin and the fact it is 10 pm … and i decided to turn on my computer and write this all down. maybe i can sleep tonight if i just close my eyes … and stop this inner turmoil of things i can’t control.

It came down to a choice.

Trigger Warning 

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And I only have two. Drink or cut? Overdose … that was once a choice. However, I am not suicidal … and I learned the hard and extremely painful way, that unless you mean to kill yourself, don’t pop the pills. It is not worth the excruciating agony.

Since I wasn’t willing on the way home to purchase cheap alcohol and attempt to smuggle it in the house, I really only have one choice. Cut.

Due to not feeling physically well the past couple days I opted to not meet my friend for coffee today. I cancelled this morning. Now this reason was legitimately true. Anxiety? A little bit … but not enough to make me not go. I love my friend … and I’m glad that we were able to reconnect. We will try again next week. I feel a little bad.

To deal with this, I decided to take my art supplies to church and pay my staff friends a long overdue visit. Really, it was just one friend I talked to. I feel awkward every time I go. I went to try and practice healthy coping mechs. To see people I love and practice art therapy … maybe get a hug or two. One friend was there, but apparently snuck out before I got a chance to see her. The other … well, I should just talk to the other about how I feel instead of bluntly stating it here.

For reasons not because of the environment there, I arrived and left so not wanting to practice healthy. I arrived wanting a hug, yet wanting to put my fist down someone’s throat. I stayed for 2 hours, maybe less. I forced myself to color … though it was highly not enjoyable, I forced myself to do it.

I left at noon and drove myself home. I did not want to (due to words that were said prior to leaving home) but I had no where else to go. I could not think of anywhere else to go. The thoughts would still be there (and they are) … prolonging the return home would be pointless. I am not content. I am uncomfortable. I have one choice. Talking is not a choice. Communication makes me justify the one choice further.

So I have one choice. That is to dismantle a razor. That choice means to defile me. That choice leaves me wanting more. It leaves me broken. It leaves me defeated. I have one choice … I have no choice. I have no choice. Funny … I never realized they were the same.