Don’t let relapse be an option. It is so easy to get disconnected … and fall so far away that you’re clawing upwards and falling backwards. I am really struggling with accepting this tonight.
I am running on three hours of sleep. Those who know me realize that I do not function well. My thoughts were looming over me last night for four hours before I eventually conked out. I had not taken melatonin because I needed to be up by 5:30 am.
I woke up at 6 am this morning … had to be out the door by 7. The day at the clinic was a little chaotic … I’ve gotten a good dose of the reality of my career. Not everything goes as planned. Even so, I will have a hard time winding down these next few weeks. At this point, I would consider working there as a tech, but admittedly, I am afraid to ask. A few of the reasons are a bit too much for my brain to process and explain right now. I will miss the people when I leave and even some of the clients that I’ve recognized as regulars in the past 8 weeks. Maybe I get too attached … well that’s a given with anyone that knows me. It is hard to leave … and hard to be left. Even though I stayed an extra 45 minutes tonight, I felt bad … we were still behind with possibly another urgent care appointment coming in … I hope everything has gone smoothly. I really needed to go …
Also, sometime between leaving for the clinic this morning and earlier this evening … I lost my hat and my gloves. The gloves I can do without. But the winter hat was a gift. I accepted it graciously from a dear friend of mine, even though I wasn’t too keen on the knitted ball on top … I have since grown to adore this hat and it causes me anxiety that it’s gone. It’s likely that it got misplaced at the clinic somewhere in all of the chaos today … but it could be in the parking lot, in the slush and run over by now … only to be buried by snow later if it isn’t found. I know it’s only “a thing.” But I let it get to me all the same … I want it back. Plus, it’s cold.
I hope I can relax tonight … I need release. I would like to regain balance so I don’t feel so disconnected to where self injury is all I have …
So as some of you may remember, I have a reasons not to relapse box. Tootsie is purring away in the box, reminding me that I have yet another reason not to self harm.
I just thought it was quite amusing and heart warming and necessary to share.
I revealed to a tech that works at my externship site, the very basic extent of my struggle with this. It is mainly because I work alot with her and venipuncture still stresses me out. I needed her to know that it wasn’t because I can’t, don’t want to, or am being defiant. I don’t want her to worry or act differently — cause she’s been pretty awesome without even really knowing the extent of her awesomeness.
Tonight, I nearly relapsed. It was totally planned … well up until an hour before anyway. I didn’t go through with it.
This has been an amazing song to me lately … helps me get through. It helps me remember to reach out when I feel out of control. I am not perfect, but I’m still worthy of affection and love, because I am human and I make mistakes. And sometimes I just need someone to lift me up again and show me how valuable I am, until I can remember it again for myself.
I miss my addiction. I miss my friends. But it’s getting to the point where I am thinking more about slicing my arms up then I am missing my people. It’s backwards and I know it is. A friend came to see me today for a short period while I was working. I can’t really put into words how good that felt. I am feeling down and it’s getting harder to pull myself up. I really really miss you all.
So despite my crazy schedules … I’ve decided that I can’t live without this little girl. So far Gandolph is just tolerating her. I wasn’t going to let them interact face to face just yet but I got impatient. The results have been quite amusing.
It is currently 4:30 in the morning and I’m only up because I had to pee. But decided that I needed to update so here you go.
This contaminated skin is just a trap to keep the evil inside contained. A need builds within me to scratch it off. I need to let the monster out. These grotesque gargoyles and snakes within me. The monster of my thoughts. Its forever haunting and hissing voices in my head.
I cannot bear the evil hate and toxicity it holds for me, within myself, infecting me as I try to move on.
First, I love how these words are expressed so eloquently and deliberately. Second, this is an example of the inner war that some of us feel every day ... shedding light on the lies ... bullshit lies. Pray for my friend here, pray for me, and pray for those that have no idea of their bondage ... let truth win.
I feel so small some days … and lost. If I could cling to God and feel Him like I have hugged Snowdrop … I wonder how my heart would be different … I wonder if my heart could withstand the weight of my emotion …
I am listening to some crazy energy. The pent up whatever emotions need to get out.
So, I did not pass my exam last night. I didn’t honestly expect to, but usually when I think that I usually rock it. So, I was angered and surprised. I will hopefully get to do my 2nd attempt next Wednesday before class … not ideal, but it’s my only option right now.
I took a bath earlier to try and relax. Listening to Proverbs from my bible app was very awkward when I used to listen to music and cut. After a half hour, I had enough. I wonder if I will ever forget.
I need candy. I also need for this incredible soreness in the left side of my body to leave … I’ve been dealing with it for a week.
I’m taking things as they come. Of course, I want to cut. That’s just always in my head. But whatever. It is what it is. No one is forcing my hand.
In all honesty, I just needed something else to do, because apparently I’m not getting anymore studying in tonight. So yay for another rambling from the confines of my brain.