Mania is wonderfully productive for getting things done … as long as you’re actually stuck on the things that need doing. Mania is not awesome when one knows they need to go to sleep and can’t because of restless legs and incoherent thoughts. It is not awesome when logically you know you’re tired but can’t wind down. Beating against invisible bars closing in on me. I can’t reset this. Feeling loss, reliving childhood. Childhood has leaked into my adult present and I am so needing to regress in search of comfort. In search of soothe. A soothing I did not have as a child but crave as an adult. Soothe does not come from a blade. Not this kind. The blade hurts and maims and kills. The only thing I feel may help me relax at this moment does not exist. I can’t create it. It can be real but I’m scared to ask for it. I need to feel it tightly wound around me. There is no one to hold me, to squeeze me, to calm the unpredictable raging underneath.

My infamous bullet point update …

* I used communication and broke through a barrier last night … even though it totally sucked.
* I slept without melatonin last night. I’m gonna try again tonight …
* I attended Thanksgiving service tonight with dad … it was difficult and awkward and I’m not okay with that … but glad I went.
* I sought out my people and hugged them. One person sought me out.
* It was a relief to hug one person in particular … it’s been long overdue. I look forward to seeing her again on Friday.
* I thought of cutting prior to church to take the edge off … I asked for prayer instead.
* I sit on my bed now … lots of thoughts swimming around … not bad ones, not great ones … just thoughtful thoughts. Conflicting thoughts … spiritual thoughts.
* I have a stomach ache and a headache … my food consumption has been messed up the past few days … I’m not sure how that happened.
* I finished an art piece I’ve been working on the past year or more … I’m glad it’s done so I can move on … if you look closely, there is a phrase written. This is what the thoughts and emotions feel like on a daily basis … scrambled, twisty, and all over the place. Sometimes, it would be nice to have relief from the chaos …

image

For me.

Something went wrong … something went sour … something convinced me to hide. Something convinced me that “fake it till you make it” is no longer working. Something is right. Something snapped. Not cutting for everyone else but me is no longer working. It is not working.

And until further notice, it is also pointless to write in here until I figure out who I’m doing recovery for … if I go for it at all. I am miserable. And if I’m going to venture out of my comfort zone or seek recovery, it damn well is gonna be for me. Trust me, if I could be content any other way I would take it …

When I’m ready to stop, I’ll throw away the blades myself. And that will be a great accomplishment. Until then … I’ll just have to accept this for what it is.