I’m okay, k?

It has come to my attention that I’ve been “quiet.” I suppose I have in all aspects of my life, including but not limited to writing on here. I am okay. Some days are downright shitty moodwise. Today was a struggle, but that’s all I really need to say.

Thanks to those who have noticed my absence and cared enough to say so. You all rock.

I’m sure I could update on all the stuff going on … but sometimes it’s just better to leave it alone. I’m okay.

<3

Stuff

I would like to lose approximately 20 pounds. No I’m not kidding.

I have my exam in 2 days.

I am tired. I want to indulge in many behaviors.

Thankfully, my reckless impulsiveness has somewhat gone away. The thrill went away when I nearly got myself and many others into an accident a few days ago. I scared myself intensely.

Still self-injury clean.

And bored. Busy … but simply bored.

Sleep

Yesterday night, sleep was fitful and erratic … even after taking melatonin. I guess the days events did not help.

Work felt long today, but not bad. I have to leave for the volunteer banquet in 20 minutes. It goes from 7 until 9 pm. This kind of stresses me out, because I take melatonin at 8:30 or so … I have to bring it with me and take it there before I leave … and possibly leave early if I get too drowsy quickly.

I don’t allow myself to do many things after a certain time, especially when I have to work the next day. Melatonin allows me to fall asleep (usually). I can’t take it past a certain time or I am too groggy the next morning.

I wish I could count on the peace of God to make me fall asleep. I don’t want to take a drug. Rare is the night that I can turn in without feeling the need for a drug to force me. I tell myself, at least it’s natural … at least it’s not a prescription. It’s 3 mg of melatonin. But I am dependent on it. I’m scared without it. Sometimes I wonder what it will happen if I take 2 of those 3 mg tablets, or 3 or 4 …

That would be an experiment I guess for another night when I don’t have to be anywhere the next morning. The thought bothers me.

If I went to this function tonight and stayed till 9 or later, and didn’t take my supplement … I would be a mess tomorrow. At least that’s what I tell myself … maybe it’s not true, but prior experience tells me otherwise. Hell, whether I take it or not I feel exhausted at some point during the day anyway!

Sleep is overrated. I guess I’m gonna bring it with and see how the night goes …

For Those

For those are suspicious, no I have not relapsed. It has probably been 6 months if not more. In fact, the other day I managed to throw out the old razor and replace it with a fresh one. I did not dismantle the old one prior to discarding. Stayed strong, but still tempted. I am also very tempted to resume isolating. But tomorrow, I plan to go to a volunteer appreciation banquet. Though I am anxious, I still will try. Thanks for praying. You can put your worries to rest.

Love is …

Love is chit chatting over a favorite restaurant meal.

Love is agonizing over which scrabble word to play … when you have all vowels … and your partner waits patiently because it’s time well spent.

Love is sharing a bowl of jelly belly beans and picking the most awesome flavors (In my opinion, juicy pear and tutti fruiti.)

Love is trusting another person well enough to know they’ll be honest with you … even if it’s something you don’t want to hear. Love is also respecting the person in return to ask how they are processing that information.

Love is being quiet. Love is time.

Love is taking time to watch a movie.

Love is changing your mind to instead sit on the couch next to your friend and elbow them during the funny parts of said movie.

Love isn’t about gift giving, but the thought behind the gift … like a giant bottle of fish oil capsules given to coat the neurotransmitters in the brain in hopes that maybe I won’t feel as sad and can concentrate a little easier.

Love isn’t about giving a hoodie … but man, do I like when I get one. (Let’s be honest.) It’s like a hug all the time because it smells familiar.

I have been in a state of isolation the last week, aside from my time at work. It has pained me and scared me because the longer I go without a hug or a smile or a chat from a friend, I grow uncomfortably comfortable. The thoughts brew. I believe lies. I stare at my broken razor. I sleep. I sit in the dark. I eat junk food out of boredom and depression. I don’t eat. I don’t go out of the house. Life becomes a waste.

… It broke today. I made myself do errands. I spent time with a friend … much needed time, as documented above.

Tomorrow, I have a dentist appointment to get a cavity fixed. It will get me out of the house. Maybe I will end up at church after. Maybe I will go home with intent to isolate … or maybe just to rest or study. Maybe …

Maybe I can’t worry about every day and what failures or victories it may bring. Maybe that’s the most destructive behavior of them all, and the one I am most excellent at.

Can I just be?

I am home now. I am home now writing this … not hiding, but sharing … and letting myself be loved today.